How I plan for the New Year

As the days get closer to Christmas I start to dream about next year.

I get very excited about new goals and the possibility of what is ahead. I get very optimistic and like to dream big. I picture the new year as a big blank slate full of potential. I wanted to share some of my steps with you. I have merged some things from Jennie Allen’s Dream Guide, Michael Hyatt’s LifeScore Assessment, and The One Thing by Jay Papasan

1. One thing I love to do first is to look back at all that has happened this past year.

   I grab my last year’s guide and it helps me think through everything that went on from a goal perspective. I then usually grab my planner and look through the months to see what events happened. Then I look through my journal at all that was going on with me. I then like to put a year in review with bullet points of all that God has done in me and through me and around me. WOW… so much happens in a year.

   I want you to be aware that your lower brain may try and focus on all that you DID NOT accomplish that you set out to do. It may heighten the thinking about failing, or not doing enough. Be quick to remember that it is not in achieving the goal that makes you a better person. It is who you become as you work towards your goals. You have to become someone different to create something in your life that you have never done before.

   Another great thing to do is to really investigate why some of your goals didn’t happen and others did. Take an inventory of why it didn’t happen so you can use that information for this upcoming year, and learn from it. Did you not revisit your goals, so you forgot you wanted to read 10 books. If so maybe make it a habit to look over them every quarter or month. Did you set out to save a certain amount of money this year and you had some car issues that blew through savings. Really take the time to learn all that you can from the “fails”. These can actually be great teachers for you.

2. I then like to look at four areas of my life: Spiritual/Relational/Personal/Vocational & Money.

   I have specific questions for each category to get me thinking about where I want to be and what it would take to get there. I also pull out my 5 outcomes (for those of you that did the 5 Day Challenge) to make sure I am in line with what I really want my life to be about.

   This next step is very new to me. This is the part that life coaching has really helped with. Next to each goal I write out how I would feel if I accomplished the goal. Because the reason I want to do anything is because of how it will make me feel. So if my goal is to call my mentor every week, I know that if I accomplish that I will feel connected to her. Knowing that I want to feel connected to her can really help in the actual doing of the tasks to accomplish the goal. So, when I see “call mentor” on my planner, I think, “I want to be connected to her.” And most of the times that feeling will drive me to calling her which will keep me connected to her.

   Take some time with your goals and see why you want to accomplish them and how you will feel when you do. Those feelings will be very important to use in your favor as you spend 12 months moving towards a new version of you.

3. In each area I like to decide who I will have to become to accomplish those goals. If one of my goals is to have a 5am start to the day, then I would have to become someone who goes to sleep by 10pm every night. Who would I have to become to really do that? I would need to be intentional during the hour of 9pm-10pm. I would need to be able to say goodbye or goodnight when I needed to, so disciplined. I would need to not worry what other people thought about me going to bed, so confident . I would need to have a reason to get up at 5am, so planned. I would need to know what I was doing when my alarm went off, so focused. I would need to be someone who doesn’t push the snooze button, so committed. I would need to be excited about my personal time for me in the morning, to get me continuously waking up. You get the gist. I would have to become someone that I am not currently, and that my friends is the work we get to do.

   This is where it gets hard. You are used to doing what you have always done. Your lower brain wants you to be efficient so it likes to run the old programming that you have always run. So if you always snooze, your brain will do that. You have to put in new beliefs, ones that you have never believed before and then you have to practice them. So if you always snooze, you get to start with the thought, “I am becoming someone who doesn’t push the snooze button.” Or “There are people out there that don’t push the snooze button and I could be one of those people.” “A person who doesn’t push snooze has learned how to deal with the discomfort and desire for sleep, and get up anyways.” You will have to find the thoughts that work for you but you know you believe the thoughts when you start seeing the action you really want. So, if you want to be someone who gets up right away you need to believe you can do that, and then practice different thoughts until you get that result.

Goal setting and thinking intentionally on who you want to be is really an amazing experience. Give yourself the gift of sitting down and thinking over this past year. Take the time to celebrate all that has happened and learn from what didn’t work. Then get out a blank sheet of paper and dream all about next year and who you really want to become and what goals will push you to becoming that person.

I can’t wait for what is ahead!

Angie

You dating anyone?

So, the Holidays are coming quickly and the parties, programs, and gatherings have started. In a few weeks we will spend more time with loved ones and honestly people that we don’t see all of the time. My extended family gathers about once or twice a year. My college friends would all get together. It was during those times that singleness and being alone felt heavy. Everyone was getting together and in my mind everyone had someone to be with. Me, I just had me.

So the question that I was dreading was this: You dating anyone? Because that question was going to happen.

Oh, that felt so complicated. The easy answer, “NO.” The very complex answer was the saga of dating or not that had happened the past year. See, I made that question mean so much.

I turned that question into, “What is wrong with you, why aren’t you married yet?” “Oh, and by the way did you know that the rest of the world is married and you are not?” “Did you know you are almost 30 and very single?”

I turned that question into so much more, and very painful. While I was single I didn’t know about the role of the lower brain but now I do. See my lower brain was looking for danger and was bringing that to my attention, thinking it was helping me. Because the brain wants me to be a part of a tribe. It wants me to be communal. It thinks being alone is more vulnerable and wants to say, “RED ALERT, THIS IS A PROBLEM.” It thinks that I don’t know that I am alone and that is dangerous.

So, I wish I would have known this when I was single. Then I would have known why my lower brain was making such a big deal of this. Maybe I wouldn’t have made a simple question mean so much about me, all my flaws, and that I would ALWAYS be single.

So, I want to prepare you my friend. Your lower brain will bring this to your attention. And the question you dating anyone may be a red alert for your brain. It is ok. I like to tell my brain, “Hey, I know, and we are okay!”

You have been feeling alone and noticing that everyone has someone. It will be easy to compare yourself with others and find all that you are not during this time. It will be easy to think it will forever be this way. It will be easy to take innocent questions personal. Your brain has heightened awareness to all of this.

So, here’s the plan.

1. Know it is coming. The question will be asked. No one is out to get you. No one wants to make you feel bad, or less, or inadequate. They are just trying to find a way to connect with you and see what is new or not new in your life. (They may not know any other question to ask, so you might help them in this area.)

2. Decide ahead of time how you want to respond. What will your answer be? Do you want to say no and change the subject. More importantly how do you want to feel when someone asks that question. If you feel confident in who you are, then answer from that place. If you feel insecure you will answer that question with your insecurities surfacing. So just be aware that how you feel is how you will respond when that question is asked.

3. Don’t add extra suffering. Know that people ask that question and it really doesn’t have to mean all the extra stuff. The reality was I was going to see this person like one time that year and they were just trying to be nice and chat and yet somehow I made it so painful. I just added on more negative thoughts that spiraled to more negative thoughts which created so much pain for really nothing.

This question is a part of the single experience. When you are married the next question you will get is, you guessed it. “You thinking about having kids?”

You get to show up however you want this year. We sometimes let external things affect us internally in so many ways. So thinking through this ahead of time allows you to access your prefrontal cortex and create an experience ahead of time that you want to have when it does happen.

I hope this helps as you tackle getting together and now you don’t have to dread this question at all.

Have a great day!

Angie

Family traditions and the single woman

Let’s talk Holiday traditions. So you don’t have your own family, you think you can’t have any. But believe it or not you are allowed to do fun and special things every Holiday season. You’re thinking, “I do singleness every year at the Holidays.” Hahaha

But what if you created your own traditions for yourself?

I give you permission to do that. I know that seems strange.

I hear, oh I want to send out Christmas cards but I can’t because I’m single. Or, all my friends have a fun dinner every year and I can’t because I am single. Or, I want to do something special for advent but I can’t because I don’t have kiddos. Well, let’s change that.

Create your own traditions. I want you to think through all the things. Decorating for Christmas, going through Advent, any special events or things you want to create and put on, how you want to do Christmas Eve, how you want to do Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve.

When I was single I just did what my family did. I was still apart of all of that, but I felt robbed of creating my own stuff until I was married. Don’t make that mistake. Live it up. Do what you feel like you are being called to do this year, as a single woman.

So, I encourage you to pause and think through the ways that you want to celebrate. Decide right now what you want the rest of December to look like. With intentionality, plan out what you really want. Don’t wait for it to happen, because it may not. Create it.

Creating the fun I want to have has been so refreshing for me. If I want to have women over for tea and coffee then I can do that. I can plan it, invite them, and run the whole thing. If I want to do something every year for myself during Advent, then I do it. If I really want to serve the homeless, then I seek it out and create the traditions I want to have.

As I have taken women through the Single Ladies Holiday Thrive Guide, I have loved hearing how they want to show up for this season. Most of them say, I want to celebrate and serve others. What typically ends up happening is a lot of self-pity parties, without much celebration. And a lot of thinking about what isn’t happening in your life right now and just making it through, which ends up being self-focused and not others serving.

So how do we fix that?

Start off with a plan for how you will celebrate and serve and then show up and be present. Which is the greatest gift of all. Being present with those God is putting you around. Showing up and being present in the current life that you are in. Being present with the circumstances surrounding you this Holiday season. Being present in the midst of the good and the bad.

You know what present looks like?

It looks like asking others how they are. It looks like putting your phone down and engaging. It looks like being there without all the distractions of what has to be done, or you wish you were doing. It looks like having an awareness of yourself so you can be others-focused. It looks like making the most of each moment that makes up this Holiday season.

The Holidays will pass quickly and I would love for you to walk away grateful for all that you learned about yourself, others, and God. Grateful for of memories filled with celebrating and serving. Creating the Holiday traditions that you want to have for years to come, single, married, kiddos, or widowed.

Here’s to creating those traditions, I dare you!

Angie

P.S. if you want to have me walk you through the Holiday Thrive Guide please click this link and grab it and click this link and schedule a time with me. I would be thrilled to love on you in that way this Holiday season.

3 Tips for your Thanksgiving Family Time

I want time with my family to be the best. But you know what, I can’t control everyone or make everyone have a good time. So, I have learned to make sure I am controlling me, and responsible for me. Which is a hard job in itself.

As I am typing this my family is all coming to my house and I wanted to pause and think through how I want to show up for our time together. If you are traveling or having people to you pause for 1 minute and think through how you want to show up today.

Here are 3 tips that I am taking with me to Thursday.

1. Stay curious.

   Often with family I tend to get defensive and feel misunderstood. I can get lost in the conversation and next thing you know I am in a corner and feeling pinned. It may be because I have 2 brothers, or a family that can get in some deep conversations but really it is because I start defending my stance. I stop being open to other opinions. I start to go inward and pull away. I do this because of how I am feeling. I may blame it on their tone or their words but really it is me. So, today I am working on staying curious. And that comes from the thought I wonder why they feel that way or think that. I often am so focused on my thoughts or feelings that I forget to think about them and why they are saying or acting the way they are. But being curious doesn’t just mean with my family members it also means with myself. I pause often and say, “Hey, why are you feeling this way?” or, “Hey Angie, why are you acting this way?” It helps me be curious and not condemning. It helps me stay present with myself so I don’t act without really knowing why. Because believe it or not you will make mistakes today. That is okay, you are human. Humans make mistakes. Stay curious as to what is really going on with you and it will help you stay curious with others as well.

2. Drop the judgment

   Boy do I have room to improve here. We know that our lower brain is scanning the environment looking for the negative to bring it to our attention. It thinks it is helping you by throwing it at you in a way that is negative. Know this. Be aware of it and see it for what it is. So, your sister-in-law looks at you a little differently and your brain goes to work making up a story about how she doesn’t like you. No, stop the madness. She looks at you differently and remember number 1. Everyone is human, everyone is going through stuff, and stay curious. Ask her how she is doing. Lean into it, don’t avoid it. Be the person in the room that stops the judgment with you. I love walking into the room and knowing everyone in there loves me and is for me. I practice this thought and it keeps me in a space that helps me to show up as my best self. I also choose the thought I love everyone in the room and I have so much to learn from each of them.

3. Lead with gratitude

   Start your day off being grateful ahead of time for something in the future. Thank you for loving your family today. Thank you for resting today. Thank you for investing in your family today. Think of all the things that you can be grateful for today. Psalm 107:1 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. Gratitude is a way to get you into higher thinking. When we practice loving what we currently have and seeing all the good in it we start living from love and peace and abundance. We make some amazing decisions from those feelings. I want to take more actions from those feelings.

I hope these are helpful to you today. I hope you are filled with thoughts on purpose. I hope you know there will be hard moments or hard conversations or negative emotions to be felt and that is okay. That is apart of the day too. Everyone is a human, doing the best they can. That is including you!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

How to Enjoy Your Family at the Holidays

I truly think what makes the Holidays special, is time with family, and yet I think it is time with family that can be the hardest for us all.

We come into this season with a ton of expectations for how it should go and how much time we should be together and how wonderful it should be. I picture us all gathered around enjoying each others company. If I am honest I want everything to be perfect. Everyone agreeing with one another. Everyone believing the same things. Everyone understanding each other. Everyone thinking about the best interests of the other. Maybe everyone sitting around singing or playing cards. You know, what the movies offer us as the picture perfect Holiday.

I don’t picture the arguing about what kind of stuffing we will have or the voices raising as we don’t agree. I don’t picture the small squabbles or people being offended by someone else’s views. I don’t want to think about any of that stuff. I would like to stay in La-La-Land.

But reality check. We are supposed to not agree. We are supposed to not have the same opinions and beliefs on everything. We are not going to understand each other. We may not play games or sing songs. We might have hard discussions. There may be different views on what the Holidays should look like or feel like. But we don’t think about that. We just think I will hold onto how I think this should be.

You know what happens? Disappointment, anger, sadness, misunderstanding are all there when we hold out for the way it should be. Because when we think something should be a certain way and it isn’t we feel judgmental or critical.

I want to play this out for you in relationships.

When I think my mom should act a certain way and she doesn’t, I feel critical of her. When I am critical of her I often behave in ways that try and get her to change, to act the way I think she should. When she continues to not change I then work even harder to defend why I think she should change and then I behave in ways that I don’t want to act. See the cycle. I think she should or shouldn’t act a certain way and then I end up behaving in a way I shouldn’t (or don’t really want to).

But what if we did relationships a little different this Holiday. What if we let people act the way they do act. What if instead of picking out all the things they do or say, and show them how they are wrong, we just accepted them for them.

Unconditionally loving them is saying I choose to think about you in ways that makes me feel LOVE for you. So when my mom does something and I first want to register that as wrong, I stop and think. No she is not wrong, that is just my thinking, about her actions. I want to feel love for her and so a thought that makes me feel LOVE for her is, “I love my mom just the way she is, flaws and all.” And here is the bonus, I feel LOVE. In my body, I am the one feeling LOVE. I love to feel LOVE. The actions I choose towards my mom out of LOVE are some really great actions. I am less controlling, less judgy, less right, less defensive, less all the ways that I don’t really want to behave.

This is within your control too. You can let others be themselves and you don’t have to change them at all. You just have to change the way you think.

Notice how often when you are with your family you are thinking they should…. they shouldn’t…… It will blow your mind once you notice it.

So how can we enjoy our family this Holiday season. Let them be them, and choose to LOVE them with the way you think about them. Drop all the should’s and shouldn’t. Plan ahead of time about how you want to think about each family member (from the pre-frontal cortex my friends). Choose consciously to let them act however they do. Be you. Focus on how you want to be around them. Love unconditionally and act from that place.

If you feel more LOVE during these Holidays by trying this with family think about the possibilities.

Here’s to enjoying your people more than ever before,

Angie