So, the Holidays are coming quickly and the parties, programs, and gatherings have started. In a few weeks we will spend more time with loved ones and honestly people that we don’t see all of the time. My extended family gathers about once or twice a year. My college friends would all get together. It was during those times that singleness and being alone felt heavy. Everyone was getting together and in my mind everyone had someone to be with. Me, I just had me.
So the question that I was dreading was this: You dating anyone? Because that question was going to happen.
Oh, that felt so complicated. The easy answer, “NO.” The very complex answer was the saga of dating or not that had happened the past year. See, I made that question mean so much.
I turned that question into, “What is wrong with you, why aren’t you married yet?” “Oh, and by the way did you know that the rest of the world is married and you are not?” “Did you know you are almost 30 and very single?”
I turned that question into so much more, and very painful. While I was single I didn’t know about the role of the lower brain but now I do. See my lower brain was looking for danger and was bringing that to my attention, thinking it was helping me. Because the brain wants me to be a part of a tribe. It wants me to be communal. It thinks being alone is more vulnerable and wants to say, “RED ALERT, THIS IS A PROBLEM.” It thinks that I don’t know that I am alone and that is dangerous.
So, I wish I would have known this when I was single. Then I would have known why my lower brain was making such a big deal of this. Maybe I wouldn’t have made a simple question mean so much about me, all my flaws, and that I would ALWAYS be single.
So, I want to prepare you my friend. Your lower brain will bring this to your attention. And the question you dating anyone may be a red alert for your brain. It is ok. I like to tell my brain, “Hey, I know, and we are okay!”
You have been feeling alone and noticing that everyone has someone. It will be easy to compare yourself with others and find all that you are not during this time. It will be easy to think it will forever be this way. It will be easy to take innocent questions personal. Your brain has heightened awareness to all of this.
So, here’s the plan.
Know it is coming. The question will be asked. No one is out to get you. No one wants to make you feel bad, or less, or inadequate. They are just trying to find a way to connect with you and see what is new or not new in your life. (They may not know any other question to ask, so you might help them in this area.)
Decide ahead of time how you want to respond. What will your answer be? Do you want to say no and change the subject. More importantly how do you want to feel when someone asks that question. If you feel confident in who you are, then answer from that place. If you feel insecure you will answer that question with your insecurities surfacing. So just be aware that how you feel is how you will respond when that question is asked.
Don’t add extra suffering. Know that people ask that question and it really doesn’t have to mean all the extra stuff. The reality was I was going to see this person like one time that year and they were just trying to be nice and chat and yet somehow I made it so painful. I just added on more negative thoughts that spiraled to more negative thoughts which created so much pain for really nothing.
This question is a part of the single experience. When you are married the next question you will get is, you guessed it. “You thinking about having kids?”
You get to show up however you want this year. We sometimes let external things affect us internally in so many ways. So thinking through this ahead of time allows you to access your prefrontal cortex and create an experience ahead of time that you want to have when it does happen.
I hope this helps as you tackle getting together and now you don’t have to dread this question at all.
Have a great day!
Angie
