So often when someone around us gets exactly what we want we have a hard time processing our emotions. We can feel jealous, envious, covetous, and at the same time we want to be happy and excited. Often you can beat yourself up that in a joyous time you are struggling. But, it is hard to understand what is going on and why you’re feeling that full range of emotions. So I want to shed some light on what could be going on in your mind.
Your younger sister is going to get married. You get to think about that however you want, but this might be how you are thinking.
1.She is younger than you, she shouldn’t be getting married before you.
But that thought only makes you struggle with where you are. The word “should” gets you feeling critical and believing you know how it should go and anything different than that is wrong. Therefore if this is all wrong you are fighting against what actually is. Your energy is focusing on the lack and only sees what is wrong with the situation. It is that subtle fight that takes a ton of your power.
2. If she is getting married before you, then there must be something wrong with you.
You are trying to figure out why she is getting married before you, and your brain already thinks this is wrong, so you go to work solving the why. Why is she getting married, and not me? Oh, there must be something wrong with me. Then your mind goes to work figuring out what is wrong with you.If we offer our brain a question it will solve it. It can go to your past to try and figure out what is wrong with you, or it looks around at everyone else and starts comparing. And that never ends well. You’re thinking about others in a way that puts you up against them. You never are on a level playing field and you don’t have an actual measurement to go by. It is just your brain trying to figure out what is wrong with you and what needs to be fixed. It is easy to look externally and compare your body, your style, the way you act, etc. You can spend a lot of time here just spinning out on how you should be better or different. Again that takes away your power and you feel like you have to spend energy here figuring out how to get better and not feel this way again.
3. You wish you were getting married.
You might start to envy that she is getting what you want. You struggle with this desire and don’t exactly know how to steward it. You want the engagement party, the wedding showers and the future life planning that she is getting to do. You might feel jealous of her and the life she is getting to have because you really want it too. You might be discontent with where you are and this makes you feel even more discontent because on top of not wanting singleness you don’t want to be left behind by her.
4. This is going to change the family dynamics.
Your mind is starting to look for all the dangers that this presents for you. Holidays will never be the same. Your friendship isn’t going to be as close. You won’t be able to relate to her. You might not like him. You don’t know what adding him to the family will create. That can get you feeling nervous or anxious about what is to come. Feeling hesitant to stay connected can push you to being distant with her.
5. You want to be happy for her, but you are feeling all these negative emotions.
You start to feel bad that you are having negative emotions. You are feeling critical, judgmental about yourself, envious and jealous of her, fearful and anxious and you feel like you “SHOULD” be happy for her. So now on top of your negative emotion you are criticizing yourself for feeling this way. You believe you shouldn’t feel this way and you should be happy for her. But again that is fighting the reality. You are struggling and you do also want to be happy for her.
So what do you do with all of this?
1.Stop fighting reality.
There is not a rule out there in “the rule book of life” that says younger sisters DO NOT get married before older sisters. But believing that rule exists only creates suffering for you. There are MANY younger sisters that get married before their older sister. It happens. It is happening to you. It is okay. You can accept it, allow it, and embrace all that it will bring to you and your life. You can drop the fight and start gaining some of your power back to choose how you want to feel about the situation. There is not a right way for you to do this. There is just an awareness of how you are feeling about it. Seeing where your mind is going is so good for you. Deciding where you want your mind to go is even more powerful, and you actually have more say in how you feel about it than you know.
Luke 6:45 For the mouth speaks of what the heart is full of
If you are full of fighting and resisting this actual reality then you will find your mouth will speak just that. You will fight that it is happening instead of allowing it and knowing that it is okay. You are going to be fine. This will not be the end of you. You are not destined for singleness the rest of your life. Your sister is getting married. Remove yourself from it and just think about that. How do you want to feel about that? Decide from there.
2. There is NOTHING wrong with you.
You are 100% lovable just the way you are. You don’t need to change, look better, be different, or figure out what is wrong with you. This has nothing to do with you and why you are not married. But your mind wants to make it that way. It wants to think that there are reasons why you are not getting married. But what if there are not any reasons that you aren’t married. What if it just is. What if that is the current circumstance. I am not dating. Then you get to remove that and decide how you want to feel about that having nothing to do with where your sister is. How do you want to feel about not dating anyone or not being married yet. If you want to change that then you might have to take actions to getting a different result there. But you will have a really hard time taking actions towards meeting guys and going on dates if you think there is something wrong with you. I repeat there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are wonderful, beautiful, desirable just the way you are. If you have a hard time believing that then you need to check out these posts.
Who decides your worth, value, and lovability
3. It is totally great to wish you were getting married.
God has given you that desire and when others are getting that it is wonderful to think about it in a way that allows you to rejoice with them and not make it mean anything about where you are, and where you are headed. Her getting married can remind you of your desire for it and that is totally fine. You can handle being reminded of your desires. Desire is good. Desire can grow and from that desire you will take action to meet guys, see what is out there and maybe go on some awkward or amazing dates. Being reminded of our desire does not have to take us off track. It can lead us to actually take more action. Let this be a catalyst for you to create a life you really want instead of an obstacle or a set back. Too often we want to squash our desires when we see they aren’t happening. I think that is actually a great time to reevaluate and ask yourself, “What do I need to do to move the needle further towards this goal?”
4. This is going to change the family dynamic, but it could make it better.
I love believing that her relationship with him is going to enhance her life and their relationship is going to enhance my life. I love to believe that more is good. I don’t have to look at everything that will change and only see the bad. Yes you might have to put in a bit more effort to connect or she may have less time, but that doesn’t have to mean it will all be bad. Focus on how this could be good. Yes, it will be different but everything has good and bad. Your mind wants to focus on the bad. I encourage you to focus just as much on how great this could be. He might have friends, or relatives that you could date. He might become a great friend of yours too. He could add a fun dynamic to your family. Just be on to yourself when you only want to see everything from that lack perspective. Don’t give your future brother-in-law so much power to rob you of the relationship you want to have with her, or with him.
5. If you want to be happy for her than consciously choose thoughts that make you feel happy for her.
You might think you can’t have all this negative emotion and be happy. But I beg to differ. I think you can allow the negative to be there and also purposefully think thoughts that make you feel happy. If I were you I would think those kind of thoughts and choose to take action towards her from those emotions. I know that if you did that you would be proud of how you are choosing to show up and not just living by the default thoughts your brain is offering you. Half of your life is going to be feeling your negative emotions. But you don’t have to react from those negative emotions. You can just work on allowing them and redirecting your mind to focus on what you want it to focus on. Don’t make it mean something is wrong with you. Just realize this is an area you want to work on.
Final Thoughts:
Ultimately this situation is bringing up fear and doubt for you. When this happens to her you are in a way asking when will this happen for me, or will this happen for me? And all of that feels confusing, hard, and scary.
There is another way. You can see this and lean into God. You can remind yourself that He is on the throne of your life. He is completely in control. He sees you. He knows your desires. He gives you desires. He wants to fulfill those desires. He also knows what is best for you. He has a plan. He wants your complete obedience to Him. He does not make your sister getting married mean anything about your life and where you are headed. You have not missed God’s best for you. He is at work.
But, in order to not feel worried, scared, and fearful of your future you will need to believe that God has got you. He has your very best in mind. He is good to YOU. His timing for you is perfect. He has not forgotten you. He is not punishing you. He is in control. He loves you.
So remember to allow this, don’t fight it. Don’t make it mean anything about you. Change is okay, it might just be good. You can be happy in the midst of this. God is in control, and you can trust Him!
Cheering you on friend,
Angie
