Holidays = sadness

If you think, I want the Holidays to be fun and filled with joy but a lot of times at the end of the day I just feel a lot of sadness, then I want to help you with this.

I shared last week that for every season of your life (Married, single, babies, widowed) there will be some hard involved. Actually about half of it will be hard in some way or another. As a single woman, if sadness is what you struggle with during the Holidays that is okay. That is where you are at.
It isn’t the Holidays or all the events, shopping, get togethers, and things that make you sad. It is one thought that is getting you there.
It could be the thought, “I wish this was different.” Or, “I wish I was married” or “I thought he would be here by now.” Or “I don’t really have anyone to share this with.”

But whatever it is, that one thought is bringing on the feeling of sadness.

But that is good news my friends.
Once you know which thought it is, you can then do something about it if you want to. You can take that thought and think it and feel sadness all throughout your body. Give yourself over to the sadness and just know, when I think that thought it makes me sad.

Then watch this... you decide if you want to keep that thought or not. That thought, __________________ makes me feel sad. Do I want to feel sad? For some of you, you may think, “Yes, I do want to feel sad.” For others you might think, “No, I don’t want to feel sad.”
If you do, then keep thinking that thought and just own your sadness. If you don’t then decide to change that thought a little to something different but still believable.
For instance, I wish this was different, turns into it won’t always be like this. Or, I wish I was married, turns into I’m not married yet, and that’s okay.
I thought he would be here by now, turns into God must be doing something for me during this time of waiting. And I don’t really have anyone to share this with changes to, how much fun can I have with myself during these Holiday celebrations?

Knowing this one way to flip a thought is so helpful to really take ownership of your feelings.

Listen, there are going to be times that you want to be sad. It is okay. Be sad. Own it. Recognize that is where you are at. It is okay. Don’t add more pain thinking you shouldn’t be sad. Sadness can be a part of singleness. But there may also be times that you don’t want to be sad about it. If so, you can identify that thought, and flip it to feel a little different.

Holidays do not have to = sadness. They can equal joy, excitement, and a ton of other positive thoughts. You just might have to do some intentional thinking to get there.

Here’s to the Holidays, and all that comes with it.
Angie

Holidays can get a bad rap

The Holidays, AKA the greatest time of the year, can make you feel more alone, frustrated, missing out, sad, and/or discontent. Over the weeks of Thanksgiving and leading up to Christmas I am going to touch on some key thoughts that tend to create some suffering for single women, during the Holidays.

So let’s dive in. When you think about the Holidays you may have certain expectations or the way you think things should go. You may think that it is a magical time of year but in reality when you think about what it has turned into; it is a time of year filled with celebrations, spending money, and family getting together. Each one of those can bring up it’s own stuff for you. Add into it more on your schedule, more decisions to be made, more traveling, etc.

We truly want the Holidays to be magical but it still will have 50% of it that is hard, FOR EVERYONE! Let that sink in. Me, the married women with kiddos, will have probably the same amount of hard as you. It will just look different than yours. When I was single I felt all of those things above, but now I feel different negative emotions.

For any season of life that you are in, there will be hard stuff and negative emotions to be felt. Whether you are single, married, widowed, divorced, teenager, or toddler there will be hard for this season. This should bring you an understanding of this: we can’t run from the hard. Your brain will offer you that marriage could solve the hard, but don’t buy that. It will always be around, but we can learn new ways and strategies to understand it and handle it, no matter what season of our life we are in.

For single women, the consensus seems to be that Holidays can remind you that you are alone, don’t belong to your own person or family unit yet, and kind of don’t fit anywhere (kids table or adult table). While you see everyone enjoying him or herself, or at least you think they are, you are over here feeling sad that once again you feel less.

I want to offer you something to help ease the pain. I want to give you the opportunity to own your pain. Don’t blame the Holidays; know you are feeling a certain way because of the way you are choosing to think about it.

Let me give you an example. Instead of, the Holidays make me feel alone; the way I am thinking about the Holidays is making me feel _________. Just this little switch in thoughts can help you own that thought.

Listen, the Holidays CANNOT make you feel anything. They are not that powerful, but when we blame them for the way we feel we do not own our part in it. It is easy to slip into victim mentality. You actually can think the Holidays are out to get you. So instead of blaming away all your feelings, let’s just own them.

Start with acknowledging how you feel. I feel _____________. Instead of just blaming them on something, stop, pause and figure out what thought is making you feel that way. 

Here’s how I practice this.

Yesterday we went through some of my boxes in the garage filled with memorabilia, craft stuff, and maybe some things I never needed to keep. I kept feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed and basically awful. I wanted to say, “Cleaning out the garage makes me feel awful!” I may have even said that a few times, don’t judge. But I stopped in the midst of all that and said, “The reason I feel awful is because of the way I am thinking about this.”

I stopped and paused and acknowledged these things.

I feel awful because of this thought; this is so hard and takes so much thinking.

I feel frustrated because of this thought; I should have done this sooner.

I feel overwhelmed because of this thought; there is SO much stuff.

I feel disappointed because of this thought; we have spent so much money to store this stuff and for nothing.

One thing that is very important to know is that all of these thoughts are OPTIONAL. I don’t have to feel those feelings while I am cleaning out the garage. I am choosing to feel that way, and I can stop if I own that my thinking is creating this for me. Then I get to decide if I want to keep feeling that way or if I want to change it. If I don’t own that I am the one creating these feelings then I won’t be able to change the way I think. I can get stuck thinking I HAVE to feel this way. And then that creates another layer of pain because I feel at the mercy of whatever I am blaming.

 So, let’s start the Holidays off on a different foot this year. I want you to spend some time thinking about all that you blame on the Holidays and then own it. Write out what you feel and what thought actually creates that for you.

This exercise can be the GAME CHANGER for you this year. Take some time now, before the hustle and bustle of the season to think on purpose.

Dropping that blame too,

Angie

Single and content, how do we get there?

Paul knew the secret of contentment. What what can we learn from him?

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Philippians 4:11-12

What is Paul’s secret here? He learned to look at his circumstance as neutral. He figured out how to take any and every circumstance and not attach a positive or negative feeling to it. He takes being in prison, being hungry, being without money, any and all of the things that Paul faced and He just looks at it for what it is.

You my friend are facing circumstances and you automatically attribute good or bad to it. You are single, just had a break up, grieving a loss, not loving your job, struggling with a friend, co-worker or family member, just moved, whatever your circumstances are they are yours. They are for you. I want to help you get to content no matter what. Paul’s life and words are an example to us.

Here are 3 things to do today to start to look at your circumstances the way Paul did.

1. Open up to the circumstance, don’t resist it.

   Paul accepted whatever was handed to him. Jail, great… no financial support, ok… hungry, yes I can be hungry. I tend to take my circumstance and have this thought. “It shouldn’t be this way.” I fight it. I push whatever is there away. I want it different. I want what they have (marriage, friends, house, $, health) or I want what I think this stage in life should bring. BUT newsflash: you don’t have that! So pushing against it only adds unnecessary suffering and it doesn’t just go away. It makes it worse. Opening up looks like this, “Ok, this is for me. This circumstance doesn’t have to be negative or positive, it just is.” “I can handle ___________.” When we begin to think like that we don’t put as much energy into fighting against reality. We accept the circumstance for what it is and then we decide how we want to act in the midst of it. So Paul being fully open to jail and all it brings accepted it as an opportunity. He stepped into all that it could be for him. He wasted no energy fighting it and threw himself into using it to God’s advantage. What in this is an opportunity to be Christ to a lost world. What in this circumstance is God doing for me?

2. Don’t try and change it.

   When we try and change something, we ultimately want to control it. We want it the way we want it and will do whatever it takes to get it that way. There is a belief here that is key to understand. You think life will be better when something, (marriage, dating, new job, less weight, $) happens. That is not true. Life is still 50% positive and 50% negative, it is just a different flavor. Paul knew life was no better someday in the future, than it is right now. He knew God works in every situation. Do you know that too? Do you cling to the fact that we don’t have to change anything for God to work in our circumstance? When we don’t try and change it we are ok with exactly what it is for as long as it is there.

3. Look for God’s goodness in the circumstance.

   When we focus on eternal things our current circumstance is so small but still a part of His great story. What in your current circumstance is all about God? What is He doing because of this circumstance and how can we put our energy and effort into that? Paul was totally focused on kingdom work. He looks at everything through that lens and that is why he over and over talks about rejoicing, living like Christ, having an attitude like Christ, focusing on the good and letting go of all else.

The next verse is key. This one we hear often. Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. That is the key that unlocks this secret. Only through Christ can we accept our current circumstance, not try and change it and look for God’s goodness in it. That begins by thinking on purpose some key thoughts.

This is my current circumstance. I can do it with Christ. I can handle this. He can help me handle this. This is for me. I can look at it however I want, but however I choose to spin this story will be how I experience it. Nothing has to change. There is something amazing in letting go of controlling this. I don’t have to control this circumstance. I don’t need anything to change for me to be content. Contentment comes in knowing this is ok. Contentment comes in not fighting this reality. Contentment is a choice. I won’t be fully content until I am with God in heaven but until then I will seek contentment by believing this is good.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Timothy 6:6

Here is to purposefully choosing contentment by practicing some of these thoughts. This is good. I don’t have to fight this. I don’t have to change this. This is a part of what God has for me. This is good.

Believing with you,

Angie

You want to be seen and known.

Because you are single, you at times feel disregarded, overlooked, paid no attention to, dismissed, unnoticed, or even hidden. Some of you may feel anonymous, forgotten, unacknowledged. maybe even a little invisible.

You think marriage or dating will make you feel seen or known, or at least you are hoping for that at this point, anything to get rid of those other feelings.

But, I want to offer you a way to be seen and known without changing any of the circumstances in your life. You don't have to be dating or get married to feel these feelings.

I want to teach YOU how to see you and know you.

What? That is possible? That will do the trick? Angie, this one isn't going to work.

But, it does.

Here is the trick. You begin to notice you, regard you, pay attention to you. You begin to acknowledge and remember. You begin to highlight and bring to light to all that you are thinking, feeling, and doing. You begin to see and know you.

Here is how it works.

I see me. I see what I am thinking. I acknowledge it. I honor what my brain is offering me. I allow myself to be where I am and I take notice. I am okay with where I am at. I don't need to do anything to get noticed. I am just me. I show up for things or I don't and I take note of it, not in a I'm watching you and you better behave sort of way, but in a, "Hey what's going on? I see you didn't wake up to your alarm," sort of a way.

I know me. I take an inventory. I see what is going on. I check in with myself. I don't ignore what is really going on by not taking time with myself. I don't stay so busy that I have no idea how I am truly doing. I take intentional time to say, "Hey, Ang how are you really?" and I wait for it. I give myself the time and space that I know I really need to be seen and known.

I don't expect other people to do that for me. I don't think anyone else needs to "see" all that I am doing. I allow myself to be known to myself and to live into the reality that I am FULLY known by God. He sees me, all of me. He knows me. He continually wants me to check in with Him, not so that He can see all that I am "doing" but so that I can rest in SEEING HIM in me.

Being seen and known feels good and allows me to relax. It allows me to live my life from a place of fullness. There is a trickle effect here. The more I see myself and am known to myself the more I rest in being seen and known by God and then the more I can begin to see and know others. It is like I am filled there, and instead of going out to find being seen and known by others, I can drop that, and begin to look outward, to where I can see and know other people more.

To do this you will need to give yourself time and attention. You will need to spend some time with you. You will need to begin practicing asking yourself questions. You will need to give yourself space and time to get real with you. It may feel hard, or weird, or down right uncomfortable. I promise it is worth it. Once you begin this, I know you will love doing it on a regular basis.

I love it when I do this. I make it a priority to see me, to know me.

Will you?

Angie

Who decides your worth, value, and lovability?

Everyone wants to feel valued, worthy, and loved. A lot of my clients when I begin to work with them, tell me that they do not feel like they are enough. If they were enough, then they would have already been picked, or taken, or someone would like them. They feel like no one values who they are, or appreciates them for who they are. Because of this, a lot of them make singleness mean that they are not worthy of love, and therefore they do not feel loved, because they really don't deserve it.

So I want you to know that it has already been decided that you are 100% valuable, worthy and lovable. It has nothing to do with what you have, what you do, or what other people think about you. God did NOT create you and say, "Hey you are at about 50%, go ahead and earn the rest of your value & worth by doing stuff, or by what other people decide about you.”

But that is how we are living our lives. We think, “I don't know if I am valuable, worthy or lovable, let's see what the world says? I am not in a relationship, and I am not married, well, sums it up, not valuable.”

When you stop and look at it that way, it sounds ridiculous. But let me tell you, it feels so REAL.

So many of my clients say, "So Angie, you are telling me I just get to decide that I am 100% worthy, valuable, and lovable?" and every single time I say "YES!"

What is so fun, is that I don't think they have thought about it before. And to be totally real, I didn't know that either. When I was single, I did NOT know my value, worth or lovability had been decided. I really looked around at the world and was continually asking, "Am I lovable?" "Do I have value?" "Am I worthy?" I carried that over into marriage and continually looked to see if he loved me, or valued me. If he deemed it, then it was, if he didn't, then it wasn't.

It was majorly exhausting! And by the way a horrible burden to put on someone else.

I, Angie Woods am 100% valuable, worthy, and lovable not because of what I have, what I do, or what other people think of me.

Since owning and believing this statement, my life has changed. I show up as a different human. I am less needy, I am less desperate. I am less grasping for praise or people's opinions of me. I am less focused on getting my value, worth, or love from things, people, or praise. I am more self-confident. I am more walking in the Spirit. I am more open to God's opinion of me. I am more me, the one God created and I am accepting. I stop asking, "Do you love me?"

I start showing up as a human fully lovable, fully valuable, fully worthy, and that is not up for debate, or discussion.

What would it look like for you to believe this statement and how would your life be different?

What would you start doing? What would you stop doing?

You are enough, always have been, always will be.

God is the decider of all of that. Start stepping into that. I know He wants that for you. I know He wants you to have the questions about worth, value, and love decided. He wants you to know and believe it and feel it regularly.

Listen, some of you need to hear this on repeat.
You are worthy.

You are valuable.

You are lovable.

Done, decided. Step into it that for yourself. What is stopping you?

Lots of love,

Angie