A lot of life happens unintentionally. You just go through the motions and you can become unaware of why you are doing what you are doing. You start thinking I should…… a lot. That feels awful, but you don’t really know how to change it. Well, I give you some practical ways to shift your thinking and go from obligation and judgment to hope and opportunity. Check it out!
It is so important for you to decide how you want to think about your singleness. If you don’t decide for yourself, it is very easy to let what other people think sway what you think. So, I encourage you to look at your singleness from God’s viewpoint. He is at work in your life. He is working it all out for your good. You might have a hard time believing that. Let’s look at some scripture and see how we can apply it to your circumstances today.
Get good at allowing yourself to feel lonely.
Drop the belief that you shouldn’t have to be alone.
Don’t make being alone mean anything else about you.
Decide who you want to be when you are alone.
You are alone right now, and that this doesn’t mean it will be forever.
Check out the blog for more details.
The Holidays can be hard for single women.
It is a time of reflecting and celebrating, and both of those can be challenging for single women.
You might struggle to reflect because you can only see where things in your life haven’t changed.
You might struggle to celebrate because you are continually thinking that it would be so much more fun celebrating with someone.
I want to encourage you to allow for the 50/50 of this Holiday season and share some tips on how to reflect and celebrate even as a single woman.
Often times my clients come to me and as we peel back the layers they realize that they don’t love themselves, or maybe even really like themselves. One of the subtle consequences of that, is that they don’t take good care of themself.
They hope that a husband will come along and do the job of taking care of them, and so until then….
I want to share with you how to stop this cycle and pose some questions for what it would take to really take care of yourself. Hint: It might start with changing the way you think about you!
I have amazing clients and I sat down to write one of the the other day to remind her of some things she was forgetting and I realized that all of my current, past, and even future clients could benefit from reading this.
So here are my encouragements, reminders, and even a few kick in the pants comments.
I often get questions about how to have a successful dating experience, what to look for during the dating process, or even how to figure out if he is the one. So I thought it might be helpful to work backwards from marriage to meeting and see what we can learn about each step of the way. You will want to read this because I offer you some great thoughts to think or even some great things to think about. I remind you the four possible outcomes in dating and some ways you might meet new guys.
A lot of single women experience moving and making friends at a time in their life that they were hoping to be done with that. We would love to have this base of friendships that sustain throughout our life, but that isn’t the case. We are continually making new friends in each new season that we are in. As a single woman your friendships are important to you because that is where you are experiencing most of your community and connection.
Our brains are wired to want to be a part of something. We desire connection with others. We want to be in a community and to be wanted. We have an innate desire to fit in somewhere. We feel safer when we are a part of a tribe. Single women can feel like they don’t have a community, that they don’t belong. This desire for connection and community doesn’t go away when you are married. As a married woman you will want friendships individually and as a couple. Your desire for community and connection will be with you during every season, so during your singleness you might as well get good at creating lots of connection and community.
So let’s look at the basics of connection and community and learn how to create them.
Connection is a feeling that you create. You might think it comes from being with someone for a period of time, or after a real heartfelt conversation with a friend you are now connected, but it is always the way you choose to think about an experience that makes you feel connected. I feel connected when I believe that another person understands me or knows me. I feel connected when I think that we have something in common, or I get what they are going through. Connection is huge because we want it often. We don’t like feeling disconnected because that can spiral into feelings of despair, loneliness, unwanted, and unimportant. And single women can easily fall into that spiral and that keeps you alone and your lower brain does not like that at all.
Continually feeling connected to others is something we are looking for. So if you are telling me that we create connection in our mind by the way we think, then why do we need to get together with people? Can’t we just feel connected on our own. Yes and no. Yes, I have been working at feeling a connection with others when I can’t physically be with them, but typically when we feel connected that drives us to stay connected and keep creating those shared experiences or being together. So connection creates more connection and ultimately when I feel connected I take efforts to spend time with them or do something for them. That in turn connects us again and again and you get the picture. It is hard to feel connected and not take action to be with or talk, etc.
But if you continually think in a way that makes you feel disconnected that spiral plays out as well. You let that emotion drive the bus and disconnection takes little to no effort to reach out and connect. So if you want connection it starts by believing you are connected.
Sidenote: if you feel very disconnected from people, start with yourself. Typically for me when I think no one gets me or wants me or cares about me, I feel disconnected. I start with thinking about how I want me, how I care about me, and how I want to understand me. From that place I feel connected to me and then once that is firm I don’t NEED so desperately to connect with others. I still choose to think in a way that gets me connected to others because that is my ultimate goal; more connection, but it comes from a lot less graspy and needy disposition.
Okay, so you want connection and the best way to start connecting is to think in ways that get you more connected. Then from feeling connected I want you to think about what you most want in your friendships. I want you to make a friendship want list. Do you want someone to have deep talks with? Do you want someone who always knows where you are? Do you want someone that you can shop with or watch movies with? What are you most wanting in these relationships because that will help you see what you want to create with your life in community with others.
Personally I love having someone to just catch up with what is going on in life. What has been happening, and going on? But I really love hearing what they have been learning. What God has been teaching them? Where are they struggling? Where are they thriving? What are they mulling over and processing right now? I love to listen and hear where they are and I love sharing what is going on with me, so I love a friend that is a good listener and that cares.
Some of my friendship wants are:
Friend who is also raising kids, Single friends, Friend who is a life coach to talk about that with, friend who is a business owner, friend to work out or run with, friend to get fashion advice from, friend to talk about the Bible with, friend who has older kids, friend who is a mentor, friend who I mentee, friend to take trips with, friend who likes to swap healthy recipes, etc.
If you are having a hard time making a list, go back to your past and sift through relationships when you were younger or in school and see what those friendships were about.
Also I can have a friend that matches a few of these. I can have a friend that is single and likes to travel and workout with me. I can have a friend that is raising kids and is a business owner. I can have a friend who talks deep about the Bible and is a mentor. It is okay if your current friendships don’t create connection and want matches. Your friendships can change and sometimes some friendships are completed. All that to say that it is important to check in with yourself and see what you are most wanting. What of your friendships want lists do you have in your current relationships, and what are you looking for in future friendships. You can make intentional effort to find the kind of friendship connection that you are looking for. Understand that it takes time and trial and error, but don’t give up on the process. You create more connection and then in turn creates more community.
Community is a feeling of fellowship with people that live in a certain place or have something in common. You may be invited into a community or you may be wanting to create a community, but either way you will have it when you feel a fellowship with others. You create that feeling of fellowship when you have a friendly association with people who share your interests or the things you have in common.
So, I might think the group of teachers I teach with are an amazing community when I feel fellowship with them. I am the one creating that fellowship by thinking about them in a friendly way. I can think I have no community with my group of teachers because of the way I am thinking about them when I choose thoughts that make me feel unfriendly towards them.
It all boils down to how we think about people. If you want friends than you need to think about people in a way that makes you feel friendly. People don’t make you friendly, you make yourself friendly. That is the key. If you want more friends, be a friend. Really think about people around you in an amazing way. It really is fun to think about people this way. You can have as many friends, connections, and communities as you want by believing key things about yourself and others and then going out and creating it.
Communities spark up around the most amazing things. Board games, spike ball, sports, church, foods, ultimate Frisbee, movies, work, rock climbing, bands, you name it there is probably a community of people that are doing it and you would have lots in common with them. Now you might have to do a little bit of work to get initially connected or create this group but it would be worth it.
I wanted to create a community for single women because I know so often singles desire community and it can be hard to find or create, so I made a Private Facebook group just for it. I love the connection that happens in that space. Just by showing up and sharing so many women connect. Women connect around a question someone poses or when someone shares what is going on with them and asks for feedback, but ultimately when someone shares they want to connect and belong. I want you to think about your communities and how you are showing up in them. Are you connecting with others? Are you thinking amazing thoughts about the other people? Are you being the type of friend that you want in your community? All of this is great to ask because then you can see how you are showing up and creating the environment that you are in. If you want it to be different work to make it that way.
Remember you have the ability to create as much connection and community as you want. There are a ton of excuses for it, but really it all boils down to your thinking. Start believing it is possible to create it and really look at what you are wanting to create and then go for it.
Creating community right along with ya,
Angie
When I was single I hated being bored, I actually was afraid of it. So I did what is very culturally acceptable and I just stayed busy. Because if I was busy then I would never be bored, and therefore would never have to be with just me. Being alone with me was well, complicated.
Being bored can allow you to either escape being in your mind or allow you to access your mind.
I was great at escaping. I didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I didn’t have very good thoughts about myself, or my life. I didn’t know that at the time. I just thought I didn’t like being lonely. But really I didn’t have a good relationship with myself and I was avoiding me. It’s like that relationship that just didn’t work out and whenever you see them you kind of turn and go the other way. That is what I was doing to myself, avoidance. So when I was bored it was like I could see that friend turning down the corner and my immediate response is go the other way. Get out. And that is what I did to myself. I ran away and latched onto others, my schedule, my to-do list, volunteering, you name it I was doing it. But being bored, I was not.
Now I see boredom totally differently. I see being bored as an opportunity to get to reconnect with myself. I can actually use it to go inside and access what is really going on internally. See a lot of the reason I didn’t go into my mind was there was a lot of negative there. I had some thoughts that were painful and I didn’t know how to clean them up, but now I know I don’t have to clean them up at all. I can use the time that I do sit with myself and I can just become aware. It’s like when you have been noticing that something is a little off with a friend and then they tell you something and it immediately clicks, oh, that’s what is going on. Awareness. You can do that for you. You can have aha moment about yourself. Taking time to really see yourself will create that awareness. But you might have to be bored to get there.
Once you have awareness about what is really going on with you, you might actually want to change some things about you or your life and that is great. It is when we are bored that our mind really reveals itself to us. And whatever it reveals you can handle. When we actually see what is revealed then you can decide if you like it or not. Then you can choose to do something about it. But when you see what is revealed and you don’t like it and you choose to escape, it will never get better. You will stay in the same place and putting effort into avoiding the true you. But if you can stay in that place and see it all and not be afraid of any of it and just embrace it, then you have the power to do something about it.
When you access you and connect with you when you are bored, you can begin to see what you are capable of, what you most want in your life, and what it would take to get there. But when you don’t access you and you escape, you just get better at the escape activity, whatever that is. So you might get better at overeating, overspending, watching porn, masturbating, drinking, gaming, etc.
So for some of you that are lonely and the way you deal with that is binge-watching Netflix to escape, you are missing that opportunity to spend really digging into what you most want in a mate and what you could be doing right now to meet guys. You get so good at the escape tactic that it keeps you from accessing your brain to be super creative about getting what you most want in life.
But being bored and lonely and not escaping would require you to feel and be okay with feeling those feelings. You don’t have to escape something if you are okay with it. You would get to start dreaming and believing you could reach those dreams. You would start dreaming with commitment and telling yourself that you not only can dream but you can steward those dreams and make them happen.
In reality Netflix would be much easier. Staying in that place where you allowed for all the negative emotions and all your dreams seems almost impossible. You kind of don’t believe you can do that, so just Netflix it up my friends, because that is more realistic, right.
But it doesn’t have to be. I know exactly what it is like to feel all the negative and hold out and believe that my dreams are worth fighting for, worth chasing, worth doing all the thought work to create them coming true. Because I hate to break it to you, but that is your job. It is not your parents job to make your dreams come true. It is not your spouses job to do that when you get married. It is not someone else’s battle worth fighting for your dreams to come true. It’s yours.
But boredom is the place we can access what is really going on with us internally. If you keep not checking in and seeing what is going on, your other option is life by default. Just keep doing the same because this works. But does it. When you are alone and just with you does it work?
I want you to start using boredom as a super power. Whenever you feel bored I want you to think about how you can use it for you to access and tap into you. I want you to start getting super comfortable with just you and your thoughts. I want you to stop avoiding them and start getting friendly with them. I want you to not be surprised at what amazing ideas and thoughts you have. I want you to allow yourself to bring up anything and don’t shoot it down. I want so much awareness for you that you experience connection with yourself like never before. I want you to fully understand yourself and tap into your own creativity that comes from your thinking.
I started practicing this when I would go on walks by myself. In the beginning there was this tension of I want someone to entertain me, teach me or something to consume. So, I would purposefully not have a podcast or music or anything to consume and I would just access me. When I started doing this I honestly couldn’t believe how much was there. I was filled with ideas and dreams and things that I wanted to make happen. Now I can allow my thoughts to be there and I will just delight in those thoughts and what is going on in my brain. I now have incredible awareness and have started asking myself some really powerful questions and my brain answers with some amazing wisdom. This is when I can really hear from God or lean into what the Holy Spirit might be prompting in me. I only get there after I have allowed for the tension and/or awkwardness of the silence, and see my many thoughts and then there is me.
It’s funny that on the other side of boredom is an immense amount of wisdom. On the other side of boredom could be all the answers to finding and meeting the man you will marry. On the other side of boredom is you. And you my friend are pretty freaking smart. You have a ton of amazing ideas. Your thoughts are so fun. So stop avoiding you. Stop giving you to everyone you know and start giving yourself to you.
So many of you have been avoiding all the creativity, ideas, and brilliant solutions, by escaping into something known and comfortable to your brain. That can all change now. That comfort is costing you. It doesn’t have to anymore. Boredom could be something you seek out. You could plan to be bored this weekend. Because now you know boredom could be so good for you.
Being bored too,
Angie
Choosing to believe that you are not enough is very easy for single women. You have so much proof around you that there MUST be something wrong with you, because a guy hasn’t chosen you yet. It makes sense that the reason is that you aren’t enough. But what if you were wrong? What if you were enough and a guy just hasn’t chosen you yet because you haven’t met the right guy?
When we can’t make sense of why something is happening it is easy to look around and solve for the reason you’re in the situation you’re in. Your mind doesn’t give you the positive spin on it, oh no, it gives you the problems, there must be something wrong with you talk. You fill your mind with comparison to try and see what is different about you from all the women that you know that are married. You have similarities to these women too, but that is too hard for you to see. You can only see what you’re not.
You begin to try and solve for the differences, but it comes at an expense to who you really are. You start to water down who you are and keep trying to figure out how you should be acting, or eating, or doing. All with the belief that you aren’t enough until…. But the truth is you can always find ways that you aren’t enough.
So, I propose a new idea, what if you could just decide today, I am enough. I get to believe that I am enough, or I am not enough. If I believe I am not enough, my brain finds evidence of that all around me. I am continually reminded of what I am lacking, and that affects how I act. But, if I just decide I am enough, the me that God made by the way, is enough. He is enough in me. He is capable of making me in a way that is 100% enough. I don’t need to be any different than I am. No one does. We all get to show up as ourselves and believe we aren’t lacking. And when you start believing that, you will find evidence of this. You will begin to act in ways were you share who you are with others and not hold back. You will stop trying to be someone different than you are. You will embrace all of you, even the parts that you are working on improving. You are working on improving them because you desire to, not because “fixing them” will make you better, or more worthy.
When we step into believing that we are exactly who God says we are, we stop believing the lies that are surrounding us. The lies that we need to do more, be different, make everyone happy. False. None of that matters. You get to be who God made you to be, and step more fully into Christ in you every day.
But the first step is just getting straight on who you are. Not just knowing the facts, but believing it in your bones. Seeing it take root and start to blossom in the way you act and show up to the world around you. You will know that you really believe this when you start acting like someone who believes they are enough. God in you makes you more than enough. You are worthy of love, worthy of friendships, worthy of connection, worthy of contributing to this world. You my dear, are worth it all. Don’t ever believe that you need to be any different than you are. Embrace more fully who you are right now and that today you get to think differently than you ever have before. I give you permission.
Decide today, I am enough!
Thinking this way too,
Angie
