What is the purpose of dating for you?
I believe most women are up for going out on dates because they know that in order to get married one must date someone. And most women truly want to skip the whole dating part in general. Can I just meet someone, go through a series of exercises together and determine if we are compatible and then let’s just get married. I don’t need all the drama of dating and all the issues that I will have to deal with as we go through this process. Because it is a process for sure.
The dating to marriage process is actually one that has a few parts so I thought it would be fun to work it backwards.
You are walking down the aisle to the man that you have decided you want to give your love to for the rest of your life and he wants to do the same thing. You know that he doesn’t make you feel happy, complete, loved, or any other emotion. You choose to feel these things when you are with him because of how you think when you are with him. And vise versa, he feels his emotions because of the way he thinks about you. And even with knowing that you are each creating your own experience, you want to sign up for marriage with him. You know it will be a complete 50/50 filled with both positive and negative emotions. You have spent your childhood and some of your adult life dreaming of what marriage will be like and in reality you have done the work to manage your mind and put yourself out there and go through this whole process for this. It is so worth it and you are so glad you took all of the action that it took to get to here. You can’t wait to see what lies ahead and you are SUPER grateful to be kicking the single life behind. You now can see God’s hand in all of the sadness, disappointment, failed relationships, lessons learned, and waiting. You feel so grateful, amazing, and maybe a tad bit nervous… but man you did it!
So right before the wedding is all of the planning, which has amazing opportunities for growth, failure, frustration, and some sweet time for you and your fiancé. But before that you had to decide yes or no when he asked you to marry him. Now because we skipped to the end and know that you say yes, somehow you were able to make that decision. This part right here can be such a process. You may have made this decision upon meeting him or maybe it took you the whole 6 months or 3 years that you dated, but ultimately you were able to say I want to love him. I want to sign up for the good and bad. I want the 50/50 of him. I am able to overlook all of the flaws and things that sometimes bug me and fully commit to loving the human that he is. People ask me, how do you know? But you don’t know… you decide. You might decide No, I don’t want to choose to love him, you break up and then you decide wait, I do want to choose him. Sometimes you choose him when he hasn’t decided if he is going to choose you or not. You keep choosing him even when he doesn’t choose you, and that is okay. It is amazing to love someone and allow them to not love you or give them space to decide if they want to choose you. But the process has two people doing the work. The guy and the girl have to both decide. I have said this before but you have only 4 options when you are dating someone.
1. It works out and you both choose to love each other.
2. It doesn’t work out because you both don’t choose to love each other.
3. You are all in and he is not.
4. He is all in and you are not.
Now you made it to this point. Where you both decide… I don’t know how many of those other options you have experienced, but I know that you got to the place where you are both all in. Congrats! You went in on the yes and you are not looking back on the other option. You say yes and then you make it the best decision by choosing it over and over. Making decisions is something that I teach all about and for some women this can be the hardest thing. You wish there was a way to know if your choice was right or wrong. But there are no right or wrong decisions. There are just decisions. You make them right or wrong by how you go all in on them or not.
So before he got down on one knee, or you all were just talking about it, you guys dated. This is the part that has no timeline, no criteria, is so fuzzy, and can be hard. It is different for every relationship. People wish there was a handbook on dating and the rules or ins and outs were laid out for all to see. But there is not one. This is a trial by fire situation. Your relationship is made in these moments.
The time spent together. The conversations had. The memories made. This is the dating process.
And how do we do this well? How do you carry yourself and act when you don’t know the outcome? When you look back from the wedding aisle what happened in this part of the story?
Well in this story we know that this relationship works out. So this whole part of the story looks like getting to know each other. Having conversations that help discover who each other is. You learn about their past. What they want in their future. What they value and whom they value. You see what they do with their time. You become aware of their habits or patterns. You see how they interact with their family and friends and even your family and friends. You are constantly learning about each other. You are seeing if you like what you see and if you want to keep seeing and being apart of this. You spend time together at church and serving together. You get to see his heart and who God has made him to be. You also are allowing him to experience you. You are being open and maybe even vulnerable as you share about you. You are learning so much about yourself. About what you like and don’t like. Where you are selfish and where you are selfless. You understand who God made you to be and what partnering with this amazing man could create for God. You might be learning a lot about your desires and his desires and how to steward those well during this time. But in this whole process you are open to experiencing all of the emotions that come up. If you have negative emotions, because you will, you don’t think anything has gone wrong; you use those emotions to help you understand yourself more. When he has negative emotions, you don’t make it mean something is wrong with you, but that he is figuring things out. You learn how to communicate, to make decisions together, how to have a good time, how to create community, and how you each want to be treated. This whole process has lots of twists and turns. But in the end it should ultimately bring you closer to God and each other.
Now before all of this experience can happen the two of you have to meet.
This whole part can be interesting. There are tons of different ways you two can meet. It could be random like the Hallmark movies and this guy just happens to move into town and start working for your uncle. You could be set-up by friends or co-workers. You could have been at a wedding and you both were in the wedding party and love to dance to the Cupid Shuffle. You could have met on the church’s softball league, volunteering at a friend’s church for their VBS, or when you jumped at the chance to go to a baseball game when your best friend invited you to go with new friends she just met. It could be on-line, through a dating app, or some fun FB group where people meet each other, but regardless it is the point where you two intersect and actually find out that each exists. That has to happen for all of the rest of the story to unfold. So is this the most important part? I don’t know but I know this is the part that often doesn’t happen for so many women because they aren’t even open to believing that an amazing guy even exists. Men… I am fighting hard for you with these women. I keep telling them there are AMAZING single Christian men, who love Jesus and want an amazing woman. They have a hard time believing this. They don’t have much evidence of said amazing men. They also don’t know if they will get married. They aren’t sure if the aisle really exists for them and because of that, they are scared and hold back.
So ladies, what happens before the two of you meet?
You start believing things you have no evidence for.
You start knowing there are amazing men out there. You start believing you can meet them. You know that you are a catch. You are certain that you have a ton to offer someone. You believe you can trust yourself in this process. You know you have your own back. You know you might meet a guy and it not work out and that is okay. You are open to it all. You know that all of this is worth it. You know it might be hard and that’s okay because you can do hard. You are ready. You are okay with taking action to meet guys. You aren’t above the how and you know you are not entitled to some perfect LOVE STORY that they will make a movie about. It might be messy, it probably will be. But that is okay because in the mess there is so much God will teach you about Him, about you, and about the life He has for you. But you are totally open to fighting for your dream to be married someday. And whatever it takes to meet him will be worth it, and probably a great story to tell your kids one day.
Some of you are thinking like this right now. Some of you might want to steal some of these thoughts or start becoming someone that believes this way. Some of you are in the dating process and you have met the guy, and you are trying to decide. Some of you just ended it with a guy and want to open yourself back up to meeting another guy. Wherever you are, remember that this journey is what you make it. Look at your story backwards. Write it from that angle and see what you can learn that might help you think differently today. And be bold, be crazy, take action, but most importantly decide for you and from your thinking. God gave you an amazing mind. Use it for you and not against you. Don’t let your lower brain thoughts keep you stuck over here on the sidelines not taking any action, but really not even being open to what could be around the corner.
Cheering you on,
Angie
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