A lot of single women experience moving and making friends at a time in their life that they were hoping to be done with that. We would love to have this base of friendships that sustain throughout our life, but that isn’t the case. We are continually making new friends in each new season that we are in. As a single woman your friendships are important to you because that is where you are experiencing most of your community and connection.
Our brains are wired to want to be a part of something. We desire connection with others. We want to be in a community and to be wanted. We have an innate desire to fit in somewhere. We feel safer when we are a part of a tribe. Single women can feel like they don’t have a community, that they don’t belong. This desire for connection and community doesn’t go away when you are married. As a married woman you will want friendships individually and as a couple. Your desire for community and connection will be with you during every season, so during your singleness you might as well get good at creating lots of connection and community.
So let’s look at the basics of connection and community and learn how to create them.
How to create connection
Connection is a feeling that you create. You might think it comes from being with someone for a period of time, or after a real heartfelt conversation with a friend you are now connected, but it is always the way you choose to think about an experience that makes you feel connected. I feel connected when I believe that another person understands me or knows me. I feel connected when I think that we have something in common, or I get what they are going through. Connection is huge because we want it often. We don’t like feeling disconnected because that can spiral into feelings of despair, loneliness, unwanted, and unimportant. And single women can easily fall into that spiral and that keeps you alone and your lower brain does not like that at all.
Continually feeling connected to others is something we are looking for. So if you are telling me that we create connection in our mind by the way we think, then why do we need to get together with people? Can’t we just feel connected on our own. Yes and no. Yes, I have been working at feeling a connection with others when I can’t physically be with them, but typically when we feel connected that drives us to stay connected and keep creating those shared experiences or being together. So connection creates more connection and ultimately when I feel connected I take efforts to spend time with them or do something for them. That in turn connects us again and again and you get the picture. It is hard to feel connected and not take action to be with or talk, etc.
But if you continually think in a way that makes you feel disconnected that spiral plays out as well. You let that emotion drive the bus and disconnection takes little to no effort to reach out and connect. So if you want connection it starts by believing you are connected.
Sidenote: if you feel very disconnected from people, start with yourself. Typically for me when I think no one gets me or wants me or cares about me, I feel disconnected. I start with thinking about how I want me, how I care about me, and how I want to understand me. From that place I feel connected to me and then once that is firm I don’t NEED so desperately to connect with others. I still choose to think in a way that gets me connected to others because that is my ultimate goal; more connection, but it comes from a lot less graspy and needy disposition.
Okay, so you want connection and the best way to start connecting is to think in ways that get you more connected. Then from feeling connected I want you to think about what you most want in your friendships. I want you to make a friendship want list. Do you want someone to have deep talks with? Do you want someone who always knows where you are? Do you want someone that you can shop with or watch movies with? What are you most wanting in these relationships because that will help you see what you want to create with your life in community with others.
Personally I love having someone to just catch up with what is going on in life. What has been happening, and going on? But I really love hearing what they have been learning. What God has been teaching them? Where are they struggling? Where are they thriving? What are they mulling over and processing right now? I love to listen and hear where they are and I love sharing what is going on with me, so I love a friend that is a good listener and that cares.
Some of my friendship wants are:
Friend who is also raising kids, Single friends, Friend who is a life coach to talk about that with, friend who is a business owner, friend to work out or run with, friend to get fashion advice from, friend to talk about the Bible with, friend who has older kids, friend who is a mentor, friend who I mentee, friend to take trips with, friend who likes to swap healthy recipes, etc.
If you are having a hard time making a list, go back to your past and sift through relationships when you were younger or in school and see what those friendships were about.
Also I can have a friend that matches a few of these. I can have a friend that is single and likes to travel and workout with me. I can have a friend that is raising kids and is a business owner. I can have a friend who talks deep about the Bible and is a mentor. It is okay if your current friendships don’t create connection and want matches. Your friendships can change and sometimes some friendships are completed. All that to say that it is important to check in with yourself and see what you are most wanting. What of your friendships want lists do you have in your current relationships, and what are you looking for in future friendships. You can make intentional effort to find the kind of friendship connection that you are looking for. Understand that it takes time and trial and error, but don’t give up on the process. You create more connection and then in turn creates more community.
How to create community
Community is a feeling of fellowship with people that live in a certain place or have something in common. You may be invited into a community or you may be wanting to create a community, but either way you will have it when you feel a fellowship with others. You create that feeling of fellowship when you have a friendly association with people who share your interests or the things you have in common.
So, I might think the group of teachers I teach with are an amazing community when I feel fellowship with them. I am the one creating that fellowship by thinking about them in a friendly way. I can think I have no community with my group of teachers because of the way I am thinking about them when I choose thoughts that make me feel unfriendly towards them.
It all boils down to how we think about people. If you want friends than you need to think about people in a way that makes you feel friendly. People don’t make you friendly, you make yourself friendly. That is the key. If you want more friends, be a friend. Really think about people around you in an amazing way. It really is fun to think about people this way. You can have as many friends, connections, and communities as you want by believing key things about yourself and others and then going out and creating it.
Communities spark up around the most amazing things. Board games, spike ball, sports, church, foods, ultimate Frisbee, movies, work, rock climbing, bands, you name it there is probably a community of people that are doing it and you would have lots in common with them. Now you might have to do a little bit of work to get initially connected or create this group but it would be worth it.
I wanted to create a community for single women because I know so often singles desire community and it can be hard to find or create, so I made a Private Facebook group just for it. I love the connection that happens in that space. Just by showing up and sharing so many women connect. Women connect around a question someone poses or when someone shares what is going on with them and asks for feedback, but ultimately when someone shares they want to connect and belong. I want you to think about your communities and how you are showing up in them. Are you connecting with others? Are you thinking amazing thoughts about the other people? Are you being the type of friend that you want in your community? All of this is great to ask because then you can see how you are showing up and creating the environment that you are in. If you want it to be different work to make it that way.
Remember you have the ability to create as much connection and community as you want. There are a ton of excuses for it, but really it all boils down to your thinking. Start believing it is possible to create it and really look at what you are wanting to create and then go for it.
Creating community right along with ya,
Angie
