How believing you are behind only makes you more behind

So you think you should be married by now? Or maybe you aren’t bothered by that yet, but it is more feeling like you should be further in your career or weight loss journey, or even your living arrangement. You have so much around you telling you that you aren’t there yet, and honestly you kind of think you will never get there.

You see your friends moving ahead of you in life and you are beginning to feel like you are behind. Like really behind in the “game of life”. Friends are moving on and going where you thought you would be and it just isn’t working out that way for you. This leaves you feeling hopeless and afraid of what is in your future. You wonder if you can handle it on your own and have decided you need to get good at this alone thing. So you settle into what is comfortable and are working on getting by with life.

You actually take yourself out of the game. You take your piece off of the “gameboard” so to speak and you have decided it isn’t worth it.

But what do you do with all the sadness that brings, because you do still want it?

You actually do desire marriage, a family, a home, a future filled with what everyone else has.

So your brain goes to work solving the problem why am I behind? Which only brings you more evidence that there must be something wrong with you. Because if you were just prettier, smarter, trendier back in your 20s, or thinner, you wouldn’t be here. You know, alone. While everyone else is where you should be. You spend your hours thinking how you did it wrong, and regretting the past which is just a time waster. All of that leads you to feeling awful and not liking who you are for sure. So you decide you need to feel better or at least numb out from this current life that feels “too hard”. You turn to overeating, drinking, watching Netflix, or maybe purchasing that perfect thing you saw for sale the other day. You think that will do the trick, but after that is all over, you are still left with you. The version of you with the current state of life and the feelings of being behind. Which in the end just feel super hopeless if you are honest.

And how do we manage hopelessness? We just give up our dreams and hopes. We throw in the towel on our truest desires and stay stuck. Right here, not advancing, not moving forward, just actually getting more behind. Because if we are in this same place next year, are friends are moving ahead. They are on their 2nd baby now and maybe even their 2nd home. You, your still single, in the apartment, with the same job.

See what we create? See how we do this to ourselves?

Not any of my “further along friends” deemed me behind. They actually envied the single, carefree life I had. While they were managing their marriage, pregnancies, mother-in-laws, and weight loss journey, I was over here thinking I was behind. They were over there thinking I was lucky. They wished for 24 hours by themselves. I was dying for a companion. Someone to help me make decisions and make life easier than it was. Here they were thinking my life was easier. But I couldn’t see it. I was too busy focused on how I was behind and not measuring up and not enough. How I was missing my opportunity for the life I really wanted, the one they had. It was getting “too late” for me to find love, have kids, get the dream home. They were there and a lot of them didn’t feel “further along”, they were just feeling different emotions.

I can see that now. I couldn’t see that then. Neither can you.

Listen, I need you to hear this, “You are NOT BEHIND.”

There is no game board, there is no finish line. Married people are NOT ahead of you. Women who have babies are not further along.

You my friend, are right where you are supposed to be. You are exactly in the place in life that God wants you. But, if you don’t open up and accept where you are you will miss all that is in front of you. The good that makes up this season of singleness for as long as it lasts. You will create a giving up, a stuck, and hopeless feeling about today and tomorrow. You have the story line that will tell of how you never quite made it.

LET’S END THAT STORY TODAY!

Give those thoughts up. You are done believing you are behind. You my friend are moving forward. You are taking all the necessary steps to stay in the game. That may mean you are literally rolling the dice, moving your spaces, showing up, sharing the game with others, and taking it one “turn” at a time. Don’t remove yourself from the board, don’t take yourself out of the game.

Stay in it! Believe you are right where you are supposed to be and bloom right here, knowing you will be here for as long as God wants you to be, and moving forward with each step you take towards the direction you want your life and future to go. Keep trying for that relationship. Keep looking for new opportunities for growth. Keep moving forward to where you really want to go.

But you will have to believe you can do it. You will have to choose hope when there may be no evidence of any available to you. You might have to believe there is a husband, kiddos, house in the future when that seems bleak. Because if you can believe that when it is bleak, you can really believe that when you meet that amazing man you will marry. Or if you can believe that after heart break and getting dumped or cheated on, you can totally believe that when a guy is showing up and pursuing you.

If you think you are behind, you will be behind, and stay behind, and never move forward.

But if you can believe you are here not by mistake but for a purpose, you bloom. You are right where you are supposed to be!

God has this for you, not to harm you, but to prosper you.

Believing for you,

Angie

Self-love has such a bad reputation

I had self-love all wrong. I thought it was taking time for me. It was going and getting ice cream because I loved myself so much. It was taking the time to get a pedicure and read a magazine and veg out. It was planning to spend an hour in Target walking aimlessly. 

So I would go, go, go, and then hit this place of major burnout. I would then think, "I know what the problem is, I am not loving myself well." Then I would do one of the above and shockingly feel good in the moment but never really take care of the underlying problem. 

Here is what I didn't know before. There is no amount of ice cream, pedicures, and dollar spot Target shopping that will make me feel loved. Those were just feel goods. Those helped me get that hit of good but not a whole lot more. I would go back to the grind and then after a few weeks, do it all again. Loving myself was not external. 

That is an inside job. A job that I had neglected and really didn't know how to do well. I think among Christians self-love looks bad. It is highly connected to conceit, selfishness, and even vanity. I think most Christians stay away from it out of fear of becoming too proud, and what other people would think of them if they really loved themselves well. We haven't really learned how to do it or teach others around us. So I am on a mission to change that. I want each and every one of you to learn what self-love really is and how to implement it into your everyday life.

Let's start with the definition of self-love.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, self-love is an appreciation of one's own worth or value, and proper regard and attention to one's own well-being.

My biggest shift came when I learned how to appreciate my worth and value. It started when I really understood that worth and value comes from God. I actively appreciate who God made me when I celebrate and love the person He created. There is NO ONE like me. He created me so uniquely and He wants me here on this Earth. He delights in me. He looks upon me (His creation) and He says, "It is good." But for some reason I could only focus on the bad parts of me. I couldn't delight in the me He created, I could only pick at and criticize His creation. I kind of thought that was my job. I got into this habit of believing I would be easier to love when.... I lost the weight, I did things perfectly, I had someone else that loved me. But truly grasping that God loves me for me.... just because He made me was monumental. There is nothing I could do that would make it easier for Him to love me. He wasn't waiting to love me once I got better. He was enjoying me right now as is. I finally got it and started thinking, "Man it would be so fun to enjoy me for me... and not constantly be waiting for that." 

So I gave in and fully started seeing the good in me that I had so quickly overlooked to focus on the bad. I started appreciating the ways God made me. I owned my personality, and the things that make me me. I started liking that I could carry on a conversation with a complete stranger and enjoy it. I love my discipline and hard work ethic. I appreciated my abilities to try new things and not fear failure. I started looking at my hair, body, skin tone, figure, and purposefully thinking amazing thoughts. I started believing I am amazing, flaws and all. 

And here is what keeps me from conceit.

I know you are amazing too. And it is not because of what you do, it is solely because I know who created you. I know the same intricate ways that He delights in me and you, we can delight in each other. It doesn't have to be I am not and you are. It can be we both are. That is what keeps me humble. I am nothing more than anyone else. I am like everyone else in that I can choose to see myself the way God does or I can be my biggest critic and constantly striving for improving, or getting better.

Here is the thing, I love improving and getting better, but it is so much more fun when it is fueled by absolute love and appreciation for what is. I know that I love myself exactly the way I am and I can't love myself more when I finally improve. 

I offer the same to you. Stop waiting. Enjoy yourself now and really take this self-love thing to the next level. Purposefully think about who you are… who God created you to be. How he wired and made you.

Because when you start by thinking amazing thoughts about you... the you God made, it is amazing what starts to happen. I love me. I don't need or expect others to love me. I KNOW God loves me and now I love me and anyone else is just icing on the cake. But I have the cake... I am not looking around for it, or trying to recreate it by shopping, eating, or pampering me. 

Now I am not against any of those I just want you to know why you are doing those and understand that doing those things don't make you feel loved. Doing those things might just make you feel better temporarily, in the moment.

I want to teach you how to love you for the long haul. From now until you go home. I want you to deeply love you the way God already, and has been doing, since you were born. Then, once you love you, you will start to take care of yourself even more. That is the other part of the definition. The proper regard and attention to one's own well-being.  You will begin actively loving yourself by paying attention to yourself more and knowing what you need. Then you won't expect others to do that for you, but you will take the necessary steps to rest, eat healthy, exercise, breathe deep, and take care of you. You will focus on your mental health and start understanding your feelings. You will start putting boundaries into place to really protect your longevity. You will have less burn out. Less blow ups, and less break-downs.

This is available to you and if you need any help with this, look no further. This is what I do.

I help women find what is blocking them from truly loving themselves. Schedule a 30 minute call to discuss if working with me is your next step.

Here’s to self-love, let’s do it,

Angie

FAQ's on Dating

I have been getting some good questions about dating and wanted to address some of them here.

What should I be looking for when dating or getting to know guys?

You are looking for someone that you are compatible with. A person that it is easy for you to love.
Marriage is committing to unconditionally loving someone. It is signing up to look past the things in his life that you may think makes it harder for you to love.  And if you are a believer you are saying, I will do this for this guy as long as we both shall live...

So the purpose of dating is to explore what is out there. See the types of guys that you like being with and like being with you.

You want to put yourself around someone to see if he is someone you want to commit to giving your love to. And to do that you want to spend time with the person and see how you feel when you’re around them. Often times you want to contribute that you feel good, excited, happy, or pretty because of the guy. But really the only reason you feel good, excited, happy or pretty is because of the way you’re thinking when you’re with him.

You can take credit for why you feel that way.
But being aware of what you’re thinking when you’re around a guy is really helpful. For some reason you think those thoughts easier when you are around him.

What is dating not for?

1.    You are not looking for proof that you are lovable, worthy of love, pretty or enough.

That my friend, has already been decided by God who created you. We don’t need to date to figure that out. Remove that from the equation. Spend your time figuring out if this guy wants to pour his love onto you and you onto him. Don’t complicate it by bringing your worth into it. He either wants to love you, or he doesn’t want to love you. Don’t make it mean anything other than you are not his cup of tea.

2.    You are not looking for the perfect person.

There are no perfect people. There is not one guy out there that you are looking for. There are humans that are 50-50. You’re trying to decide if you like the 50-50 that this human presents. Maybe guy one loves video games is not highly motivated and doesn’t dress the nicest, but is incredibly loving, treats you very well, and is a great chef... compared to guy 2 who doesn’t manage money the best, has an interesting family, and burps more than you would like, but is very servant hearted, a great listener and has killer style.

Both are equally 100% lovable, the question is how easy is it for you to love them...that is where you get to decide.

3.    You are not looking for someone that only makes you feel positive emotions.

A lot of times if women experience negative emotions when they’re dating someone and they think that is wrong or that is a sign that it’s not going to work out. Being able to have experiences in the relationship where you have negative emotions is actually really good. All of life is filled with 50% negative emotions and 50% positive emotions. If you don’t experience the negative ones while you are dating, you may be ignoring some things or not true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to have the human experience while you are dating. Being able to experience a full range of emotions while the two of you are together sets you up to deal with that in the future.

What should I focus my attention on while I am dating?

Often times dating is a great opportunity for you to get to know yourself more. You can find out what you truly want. It’s a unique experience for you to see what’s really going on with you when you’re with a guy. It can be a great opportunity to find out how you want to feel when you are in a relationship with someone. Pay a lot of attention to what you are making his actions or reactions to you mean. This can be a great opportunity to see where you can grow in order to come to a relationship ready to give instead of ready to take.

What should I be looking for?

Am I just looking for someone that will make me happy?  I actually think the opposite is true. I think you’re looking for someone that you can be YOU around no matter how you’re feeling. Being true to you and authentic and real is so important. If you feel like you are constantly trying to change for someone else or having to deny who you really are, then you probably don’t want to stay in a relationship like that.

Are there any signs that this is the guy for me?

 Well if he continues to stay present and in the relationship then that is a good sign. If he is checking out or you feel like you are doing all of the heavy lifting of the relationship then you may know that he doesn’t really want to give his love to you.

 A relationship is so fun when you don’t expect them to make you feel anything. You just want them to be present to receive the love you give them.

Kind of like the example Christ shows for us. He just wants us to be present and receive His love. And that is a fun relationship to be a part of.

How should I feel while dating?

If you can be curious and open during the whole dating experience, you can bring about a ton of growth.

When you are curious you tend to want to learn and find out things. While dating someone you can learn a ton about him, about you, about God, about life. There is so much to learn from the whole process if you stay open to it no matter what the end brings.

When you are open to the whole process you position yourself to not run away or hide from the hard. You keep yourself available to whatever comes up. When things feel off you investigate instead of closing off more. You keep fighting off the thoughts to get back in the cave where life is easier (and alone). When you stay open to it you stay more open to yourself and to a fuller experience of who you really want to be in relationship with others.

I don’t want to get my heart broken, what should I do?

If you expect it to be hard, confusing at times, vulnerable, eye-opening, disappointing and maybe end in failure you don’t lose it when that comes up.

It is when we paint this picture that it is supposed to be easy, laid out, so smooth, no bumps, and basically a Hallmark movie we set ourselves up for major heartache if it fails.

I hope these are helpful for you to think about in a new way.

I love answering questions about this and if you have any, just shoot me a quick email and I can answer it for you.

Have a great week,

Angie

The first time I got coached

I didn’t know I was being coached, but the gentleman was asking me some of the best questions I had been asked in a long time. I just thought I was hosting someone the school had here to train the faculty and staff members for dinner.

God on the other hand was up to something else.

Really I had a divine encounter that God clearly wanted for me. As I sat down to vent about all that was wrong he started asking me questions. Really good ones.

I had to actually think for a bit to really understand and answer for me.

It was the greatest gift.

He said things to me that I needed to hear and no one was going to say to me.

But he didn’t say them to me, he lead me to them.

The questions he asked revealed these things to myself.

I had to see them. They were right there in front of me.

And I saw them when I answered the questions.

He posed things in a way that I understood I was creating a lot of unnecessary suffering in my life circumstances.

He showed me how much I was blaming everyone else and “the world” for all that was wrong in me.

I cried for a long time. I was sad. But actually I was really hopeful.

Hopeful that God was in the midst of my circumstances and those things could change.

I could change.

I remember trying to share the experience with my husband. I couldn’t really get words out. But he could tell I was different. 

I went to bed that night a different person. It was like he gave me a whole new way to see my life.

I woke up lighter. I had some tough things to do that day and one of those was apologizing to someone that would require me to step up and be me. The me God made me to be. I was scared but very clear on what needed to happen.

I did it, and with grace and love for myself and the other person.

That was the beginning of me taking my power back. The power I had given others, circumstances, events, and anything really that I was blaming for my struggles. I had become the victim of SO much and it was eye opening.

Then I started daily just seeing my thoughts change. I could tell that new thoughts had been planted, ones that I didn’t know I could believe. I started to believe them even when I didn’t have evidence that they were true or ones that I should believe, but it was changing me.

That is the power of a one coaching session. I only encountered this coach for one dinner. I think it turned out like 2 hours that we sat there.

That “life-coaching” session, or really dinner, was the start of something even greater.

Months after that night, God would bring that experience back to me time and again. I knew that from that one time event I was living in a freedom I didn’t know I needed.

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. 

I want to help others see the freedom in Christ by examining the way they are thinking about something. That is what my coach did for me. He helped me see what I was thinking. He held the space of 2 hours, dinner, and the entire meal’s conversation for me to process through ALL I was thinking. He didn’t judge me, or tell me what to do. He simply prodded, waited, and let God go to work in my mind, heart, and soul.

That is what I do.

If this is what you need, then join me,

Angie

What pandemic & uncertainty is doing to your dating life

As I turned the calendar over yesterday to see August, my heart started beating, my chest was tight and my thoughts were all over the place.

What is going to happen? This is a mess. Everything is up in the air. Can I plan anything? Will we make it? Is anything going to be normal? Should I have zero expectations about anything?

I have actually never experienced that before with the turning of a calendar page. But August, you did it, you are the winner. You officially created a panic in my life. I went from everything is okay, to stop, everything has gone wrong. I thought I was doing okay, but nope… not so much. August…

You might be right there with me. You too might feel the pain of the calendar changing, the questions, the confusion, and ultimately the uncertainty of everything. Some of you are teachers, flooded with questions, doubts, and fears. Some of you are in ministry, just wanting to share Jesus with your people. Most of you regardless of your job are feeling limited, trapped, told, and very uncertain.

As I have coached clients it is clear what uncertainty creates. When you feel uncertain you don’t do anything towards your goals or where you really want to be in life. You don’t act confident, and you don’t put yourself out there. You don’t try new things and most importantly you STOP taking action. So uncertainty breeds more uncertainty, and creates you not moving forward.

So how does this affect your dating life? Well, any thought of taking action goes out the window. If you had a glimmer of hope, it has faded. And if you felt confident that this was your year to meet a man, that confidence is buried.

I want to encourage you to hold space in your life for uncertainty because of what is going on in the world, and work to feel certain about what we can.

For those of you wanting to get a result of meeting guys or going on dates, begin thinking about what you can do in this area. Remember your brain will want to offer you all that you can’t. This is where you flip the script for your brain and go to work believing something that you actually have no business believing.

I want to offer you a thought. In the month of August I will meet 3 new guys. Now, immediately your brain will give all the reasons you won’t, or that it is too hard, etc. But, just practicing this new belief and seeing what believing this creates in your life could be fun. I think we need some fun right now, don’t you?

If you did believe that you would meet 3 new guys, or go on 3 dates or whatever you are willing to try and think, you would have to start taking some action. This is the part I want you to focus on. Take action from a place of certainty. None of this I might meet 3 guys or I might go on 3 dates. My thought would be, “I am meeting 3 new guys, watch me…” See how creative your brain can be in solving how can I meet 3 new guys?

Creating certainty, which is actually coming from your thoughts of I can do this, I will do this, this is happening, is available for you to believe. You just may not know that you can think that way. But you can.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and that helps me feel certain about my ultimate future. But in these times of uncertainty I am practicing certainty in the little things. I am taking actions to make things certain. I don’t know what is going to happen this month but I know today the laundry is getting done. Or, I am not sure about that trip in a couple weeks, but I am certain I am getting cookies at Chick-Fil-a (have you tried those?… amazing). Creating certainty for yourself right now is a good thing. Try it, you might find you can create it in other less certain areas of your life.

Looking forward to who meets new guys in August,

Angie

If you know someone who needs to hear this, please share it.