Do you think you are called to singleness?

A belief that I had when I was single that sort of haunted me was the thought, maybe God doesn’t have marriage for me. I am sure I picked that up in youth group or a book that I read somewhere. But for some reason that seemed like a valid thought and one that I should pay attention to. It was almost like there were 2 categories. God had certain people in the world that marriage was for and then me, well maybe not. Maybe I was called to singleness.

Which was hard for me because I wanted to be married, and I wanted to have a family. I wanted to raise kiddos with a husband. That all was contingent on getting married. Now you could say that I didn’t have to get married and I could adopt and raise kiddos, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I truly wanted a family. So as each year of my 20s rolled by my belief that maybe God didn’t have marriage for me just seemed more and more true. Because somewhere in my belief system I thought marriage must happen in your 20s… not in your 30s and definitely not in your 40s. Where I picked that up, I don’t know.

But now I understand that believing that thought, “God doesn’t have marriage for me” actually kept me feeling defeated and stuck and taking no action towards meeting guys, or going on dates.

The truth is, I don’t know if God had marriage for me or not, but it was much easier for my brain to believe I wasn’t getting married.  That thought was much more comfortable for me and less scary. That thought was more believable to my brain because I had so much evidence for that. All of my friends where getting married and having kids, and not me.

I also had a ton of evidence that I wasn’t pretty enough, overweight, and I was too loud. I even thought I am just too intimidating and independent. So, my belief that singleness was my calling almost felt more purposeful and believable than, I have this longing for marriage, but have no understanding of how that is actually going to happen.

I was living in a small town of about 40,000 people and I was doing youth ministry. I had met all of the guys my age, or at least I believed that I had met them all. I hung out with middle school and high school kids all the time. I honestly took on this stance of I didn’t “need” marriage. Almost like I was better than it. I see now that was just a defense mechanism for me.  I really wanted it and had a hard time holding space in my life for wanting something but not knowing the how or when of getting it.

The thought He may have marriage for me, which could be just as true, felt scarier for some reason. And that thought was much harder to believe because I had little to no evidence for that belief.

Also, If I could believe he didn’t have marriage for me, I could write it off, close the door, move on. I didn’t have to hold that desire at all. I could spend little thoughts on what I was going to do towards that happening in my life. I could blame work, my busy lifestyle, my ministry responsibilities and the size of the town as all reasons it wouldn’t happen.

But I didn’t want to move on. I didn’t want singleness, I wanted marriage.

You may be here too. You may have rolled these thoughts over in your mind. You may even be wrestling with which belief system you want to believe.

Being aware of which thought you are believing is huge. Understanding what having that belief creates for you is also big. Because what you think will determine how you feel, and how you feel determines how you act.

Both of those thoughts are available to you. God could have marriage for you. God could have singleness for you. But whichever one you choose to believe will be what leads you to take the actions you do in this area of your life. Some women I work with realize now that they have closed themselves off to anything to do with guys, or getting married because they are believing the thought marriage isn’t for them.

Just be aware that both of those thoughts could be true. We don’t know. They are both just thoughts. Just sentences that your brain is choosing to think. They don’t have to be true. We don’t know the will of God. We just see the desires we have and we try and steward them well. Often, we put God in a box and try and say it just isn’t in God’s will for me but that only protects us from having to step out and do things that are SUPER uncomfortable to us.

I was working with a client a year ago and she just kept wrestling with this belief. She longed for marriage. She had a hard time believing that she could meet a guy. She gave me every reason in the book that it was impossible. She decided to switch her thinking. She thought well I have believed for so long that God doesn’t want me married, but what if I worked on the thought God has marriage for me.

She started working on believing that, and sure enough her actions followed. She just kept an openness to it and walked through the doors of meeting guys, letting friends know she was looking to get married someday, and even started online dating. As she walked through each step the doors did not close. They just kept opening. She met a guy. They have been dating over 6 months. She just keeps believing that if God doesn’t want her to be married, he will make that super clear to her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t keep making effort in that area. She is still doing the work. She is still showing up. She is still figuring this relationship out. But she has let go of the belief God has called me to singleness.

What about you. Maybe it is time for you to believe that you can take action in this area. You can make efforts towards the goal of meeting guys, going on dates, and showing up as you. There is NOT happiness at the end of the marriage rainbow and sadness at the end of the singleness rainbow. Both have a 50% positive experience and 50% negative experience. Knowing that helps us see that marriage isn’t the end all be all to finally make you happy. It is just a different circumstance. It might be a circumstance that you want. It might be in your future. God will make it evident. If He doesn’t want you married, you won’t. Being willing to question your beliefs here can be helpful to you because it may create awareness of why you are acting the way you are in the area of dating.

Chew on this. See what happens to your brain when you start to question your beliefs. Try on a new belief.

Can’t wait to see what that does for you,

Angie

Are you willing to be wrong?

This concept of being wrong has been new for me. I actually like being right. I am guessing you like to be right too.

But being wrong has been good for me.

I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life.

And news flash: I bet you have too.

Even understanding that if I am wrong about something that maybe the opposite is actually true.

I was wrong about losing weight.

I thought I couldn’t do it. But one day I actually decided I was wrong about it. Or I was at least willing to question that belief.

What if I am wrong about losing weight? What if it is actually easy and fun to lose weight? What if I can? What if losing weight is for me? What if I am making it harder than it needs to be?

And get this, now I know and believe it is easy. That I can do it.  Which has always been the case I just didn’t know any better. I was wrong about it.

Being wrong can be great. Being willing to question things can be great. Just the concept of questioning your continual thought patterns is a great exercise for your brain. You can learn so much.

Think about it.

Maybe I am wrong about her… maybe she is easy to get along with.

Maybe I am wrong about money… maybe it is easy to make.

Maybe I am wrong about going back to teach school in the Fall… maybe I won’t get sick.

Maybe I am wrong about always being this much weight… maybe I will be thinner.

Maybe I am wrong about the fact that I am never going to get married… maybe I will.

Maybe I am wrong about meeting guys… maybe there are a ton of amazing guys living right here in my city.

Maybe God doesn’t want me to be single for my whole life… maybe He actually has marriage for me.

Maybe I am wrong…. maybe I am beautiful.

Maybe just maybe dating could be easy?

Maybe I have been wrong about him… maybe he is great for me.

Question it all. Question every belief you have ever have about dating, guys, singleness, marriage, sex, engagement, etc.

See what you are willing to be wrong about.

I have so many women tell me, Angie… all guys want, is sex.

But what if you were wrong about that?  What if that isn’t what they want?

What if they really want a relationship with a girl based on loving and serving.

Pause and ask yourself.

What else am I wrong about?

What else am I willing to question?

Because maybe you being wrong is the best thing!

Maybe being willing to question your belief will open you up to what it would take to believe the opposite. Your brain would have to go to work looking for the evidence that the opposite is true.

I have been wrong so often, and now I am actually grateful for it. I am so glad I have been wrong and that I will be wrong. Now I actually look forward to being wrong.

Here are a few things that I have been wrong about:

My husband not loving me, he always has.

My life being too hard, I could always handle it.

Not being able to start my own business, when it was really possible.

I can’t possibly go live, no one will show up, and then they did.

I can’t figure out ads on Facebook, that is for an expert. Yet somehow I figured it out.

I won’t ever lose these last 10 pounds. I did and then some more.

I don’t think I can sign that many new clients this month. Again did and then even more.

There is no way she would ever like me. But she did like me.

I could never wear that. And then I actually liked it.

 Take whatever phrases your brain is offering you and ask, but what if I am wrong?

 God has been showing me this concept throughout scripture as well.

I have been reading through Daniel and I am amazed at just how often Daniel was willing to question things. 

What if we didn’t eat the food forced upon us by the king?

What if the guards could test us and we prove him wrong?

What if there is someone who could know the dream that Nebuchadnezzar had?

Maybe I can still pray 3 times a day.

Maybe I can be in a den with lions and NOT be eaten. 

I love that he questioned things. He was so good at believing God and His Word to be true even when those around him didn’t. He was willing to question it all.

God is okay with our questioning. He wants us to wrestle with it. He knows it is good for us to question things and our beliefs. Questioning things helps us understand ourselves more.

Remember by default we look for the hard, the negative, and the it will never work way.

We must learn to override that and questioning things is a great place to start.

 So I ask you, are you willing to be wrong?

Getting good at being wrong,

Angie

Loneliness and the Single Woman

When I ask single women what is the hardest thing about being single? 9 out of 10 times it is I am lonely.

Did you know that being single and lonely do not have to go hand in hand?

As I looked up the definition of lonely in the Merriam-Webster dictionary I found it very interesting. The definition of alone is: not being in the company of others.

Synonyms include: alone, lone, lonesome, single, solitary, solo, unaccompanied.

Words related to lonely include: unattended, unchaperoned, friendless, disassociated, insulated, isolated, secluded, withdrawn, quarantined, segregated, separated, unconnected, unlinked, detached, abandoned, deserted, forgotten, neglected.

The opposite of lonely is attended, chaperoned, escorted, communicating, attached, connected, linked, and I love this one, accompanied.

Now I would love to tell you the way I want all single women to feel is accompanied. Christian woman, as a believer in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, He is accompanying you always. You are NEVER alone. That is the truth but you have a hard time believing that and living like it.

But some of you say, well Angie why do I feel so alone? I want to help you understand that is just the way you are thinking about it. The default programming is to look at it through the negative lens. But we can change that.

Yes, you are physically alone. But if you can think that God is with you right now, then you will feel with someone. But that doesn’t come automatically and will take training.

The point of this blog is to help you see that loneliness doesn’t have to be how you feel. Yes, it could be, but let me offer you some new improved thoughts so you could feel differently about the circumstance.

Your brain by default is going to see that you are alone and it will be easier for you to think you are secluded, deserted, forgotten, and even detached. That is just the programming that is easiest for your brain and let’s be honest you have a lot of proof that people forget about you, desert you, detach from you and that you are secluded.

Side note quarantined, like actually being quarantined which I never thought I would experience is only heightening these other feelings for you. Isn’t it funny we can be quarantined and quickly feel abandoned, deserted, or neglected? Just notice that this is easy for your brain to believe and find evidence for. But let’s not take the easy route my friends. Let’s start looking at all of this the way we want to look at it.

Let’s start deciding on purpose that yes, we may be alone, like physically alone, but we don’t have to go to all of those feelings if we don’t want to. And I don’t know about you but I don’t like feeling all of those that were mentioned with the definition. So, here is how we do that.

We are physically alone but we start thinking thoughts that make us feel: attended, chaperoned, escorted, communicating, attached, connected, linked, and accompanied.

Now feeling this way with God being the one accompanying, attending you, chaperoning you, escorting you, communicating with you, attached to you, connected to you and linked to you is the ultimate place that we want to be.

But, the best place to start is by thinking this about you.

If you can start believing and thinking I am attending to me, chaperoning me, escorting me, communicating with me, attached to me, connected, linked, and accompanying me, you will feel totally different, and in turn act totally different.

When I think I know what I need and take care of it I feel attended to. When I think I get to be with me for this event I feel chaperoned by me. When I think I am taking myself on a date, I feel like I am escorting me. When I know exactly what I am thinking and I am communicating with me, it makes me feel seen, known, and connected with myself. Feeling connected with me helps me feel attached to me, linked to me and accompanied by me in all that I am doing. I am more present with myself and I get to know myself more and appreciate who God made me to be even more. I am with me and I enjoy being with me. Yes, I am alone but I don’t feel lonely.

I didn’t understand or know the importance of that as a single woman. I didn’t know that by default I was thinking all of the negative things about being alone and I didn’t know I could be alone and think about it totally different.

Now that I know I can look at being with me however I want, it has totally changed my relationship with me and then my relationship with God.

As I have been able to practice this with myself my brain has evidence that I can do that and then it is easier to then create those same new beliefs with God.

I am believing I am with me and then it is easier to believe God is with me.

Before I couldn’t think either thought I just thought… I am alone, therefore I am lonely.

You too can believe new thoughts to make you feel with you even in the midst of being alone.

Here’s to choosing powerful, helpful thoughts,

Angie

P.S. if you struggle with feeling lonely, I am pumped to tell you I am going to do a FREE webinar all about Loneliness and the Single Women (details coming soon)

Why are you single?

When I ask you, why are you single, how do you answer that?

The way you answer this question is actually great insight into what your brain is doing.

Here are some typical answers and what might be really holding you back.

I am single because have you seen the guys out there lately? (picky)

So maybe every guy you are encountering seems old, fat, or sloppy. You have determined that ALL guys are the same and that once you have seen a few you have seen them all. You are forgetting that yes some guys may live at home with their parents and play video games, but there are some amazing men creating the life that they love and are looking for an amazing woman to partner with. They do probably have some habits that you don’t love, but so do you. It is easier for your brain to lump them all together because then you don’t have to do the work of looking for and finding guys that you are attracted to or are living the lifestyle that you want. So you have to start believing that there are plenty of guys out there that you would be attracted to. That you would find appealing. Your brain will want to reject that belief because then you may actually have to dress up and go out and meet people. You might find someone attractive and they may not reciprocate and that is okay. But lumping all guys together as there is no one I am attracted to, is only going to keep you single.

I am single because I am too busy with my business and work, I don’t have time for that. (routine)

Your life is full, you have created an amazing life that you love but you still do want to share it with a guy. You want to get married and have kids but at your pace in life you have made little room for him to come in. You keep your schedule full and when you do have time you are relaxing and resting from all the work you have done. While this routine seems like one that you have made work it may not be something you want to keep doing. I know Covid has allowed many single women to step back and see actually how “busy” they were keeping themselves. So knowing that this kind of lifestyle is more comfortable for your brain you are going to have to train it to see that creating space and time in your life to meet someone and spend time with them is something that is worth it in the long run. It may seem unnecessary right now to free up more time for dating, but you won’t do it on your own unless you realize this is holding you back.

I am single because the last guy I dated broke my heart. (defensive)

You are afraid of heartbreak. You think you can’t handle the pain of that again. You don’t think you could ever love someone like you did and your brain is finding it hard to believe that you can be safe with a guy. You are going to have to be willing to let your brain in on the fact that you can handle any emotion. You are able to feel the negative ones just like you can feel the positive ones. It is your ability to handle the negative that make the positive even sweeter. Going through sickness makes feeling healthy even more amazing. So, though your brain think this would be the stupidest thing to do, try out another relationship, this is the work you get to do of feeling your feelings amidst a relationship not working out.

I am single because I always date narcissistic guys that treat me horrible. (unhealthy attractions)

Maybe you don’t really trust yourself and your choices in men. You seem to choose the ones that need a little help and you think are a project you want to take on to better the world. You think that you will always choose the bad guys and you don’t think you have good judgment there. This affects the relationship you have with yourself because you feel like you created this pain out of poor choices. But understand that dating those guys doesn’t have to be a failure but could be a learning experience. Dig in and ask yourself why you did choose him? Was it how he came onto you?  Was it the way you felt when you were with him? What made you want to be with him? Asking yourself these questions and taking time to answer them can be insight into what you are really looking for in a guy. Seeing what made you not stop thinking amazing thoughts about him will also tell you where it went wrong. Believing you are good at picking guys to date will be hard for you to believe but something you will want to work on believing.

I am single because I’m fat and no one wants me. (low self-esteem)

Believing that you are unattractive and no one will want you will keep you playing small and not getting out into the dating scene at all. It is a great tactic your brain uses to keep you safe and comfortable and not feeling rejected. You want to avoid that at all costs and it is costing you not dating anyone at all. I write so much more on this topic in the blog post, The one thought that is sabotaging your dating life.

Understanding that each one of these reasons are just thoughts is key.

And they may not even be true. They are just a sentence that your brain is offering you.

Notice that your brain is offering you these thoughts to keep you comfortable, not experiencing any negative emotion and so that you don’t have to expend much energy in this area. But when you believe that the sentence is true you are accepting it is a fact that can’t be changed and you have to live at the affects of it. You all of the sudden

 see that each one of these thoughts keeps you not taking any action towards dating, meeting guys, or moving in the direction of marriage, which is ultimately where you do want to go.

Just be on to that fact. Sit with that this week. Decide what the reasons are that you are still single and tell someone. Also tell them that these excuses are just thoughts and they may not actually be true.

Call or text another single friend and ask her that question: why are you single and see what she says.

The reason you are single is because of the way you are thinking about guys, dating, sex, heartbreak, rejection, marriage, it all. But seeing what your brain offers you when you say why am I still single is a great window into your brains tactic at keeping you single. Because listen, as long as you believe that sentence (the one your brain is offering you) to be true, then you will stay single. Your lower brain wins and we all just get to blame something else for our unhappiness or why we are not really where we want to be in our life.

Hoping this info is helpful to you,

Angie

Do you have a lazy brain?

If you have recently been asked a question and your response was I don’t know then you might have a case of lazy brain. Your brain doesn’t really want to do the work to think about it. It would much rather just get by with I don’t know.  Remember your lower brain wants to expend little energy and if it isn’t something you have put much thought into then your brain truly doesn’t know. But, it could. If you gave yourself that push right after your brain offers I don’t know you are actually giving your brain a work out.

As a life coach, I am like a personal trainer for your brain. Just like a personal trainer I find the areas your brain needs some work in and then we go to work strengthening and improving those areas. One way I can see what needs work is when I get a lot of I don’t knows as answers.

So right now as we are in a space where some tougher questions are being asked this may be a great indicator for you of the work your brain actually needs to do. This may be an area that you need to do some training.

So how do we do that?

We sit with the response of I don’t know and then we press into it. I often then ask my clients, but what if you did know? What do you think you would say?

It is amazing just that rephrasing stretches the brain a little more. It is like it gives your brain the freedom to try and it is okay if you get it wrong, just try. Waiting until you get a response and sitting in the moments of silence are huge. Sometimes your brain will give a fight and dig in its heels that it really truly does not know.

Remember your brain is a processor. It wants to solve problems. Its job is to go to work answering, computing, solving. So asking it quality questions on a regular basis gets it in the habit of doing those things. You want to use your brain to grow and just like our bodies we can improve it by using it for what it was intended for.

Some of you may say I don’t know a lot. I know I was always accepting that answer from my brain and never questioning it again. I was often just okay with that and would move on. But now I know better. I know that I can stretch it a little more by taking that one extra step.

But once you get an answer don’t judge it. Just accept the response. That may be your brain doing its best to get something started.

I know in the last few weeks I have started asking myself some really good questions and ones that if I am honest I haven’t asked my brain before. So, with some of the questions my brain is taken off guard. And I am unsure if I want to have my own thoughts about them. It makes it easier for me if I think that doesn’t pertain to me or doesn’t affect me. I am the queen of being naïve in an area, now I know it may just be my brain wanting to be lazy. I don’t want to think about it because it may challenge some of my old beliefs or easier ways of thinking about a circumstance or situation.

As I have paused and gotten quiet it is easier to distract myself with other things than to ask myself these questions and start allowing myself the freedom to answer. Sometimes I am amazed at my response. Sometimes I am met with I don’t know and that is even better because it is an indicator where to spend some more purposeful think time. Seeing areas that you want to spend more time allowing your brain to sit with is great, but don’t fill that think time with distraction. Train your brain to think on the subject you give it. This gets easier when you have done thought downloads and are good at allowing your brain the freedom to just unload.

This is also the same practice I would use to work on having your own thoughts. Too often we just take on other people’s thoughts as our own because it is easier. If we don’t have to do the work than we can just be done with it. Too often we let them do the work and then just regurgitate without really believing what we think or without deciding if we want to think that way. This can be a bad habit to get into because you start to lose integrity with yourself.

You may be doing this to please other people or you may not like conflict and don’t want to oppose what other people think. You might not want to rock the boat or actually don’t know what you think and haven’t put any effort into what you do believe.

Being willing to question your thoughts and asking yourself why you believe what you do believe is so good for your brain. You are going to improve your brains ability to process and create when you take the time to find the areas that it is lazy in and do the work to challenge it.

I am doing this same work too,

Angie