When I ask you, why are you single, how do you answer that?
The way you answer this question is actually great insight into what your brain is doing.
Here are some typical answers and what might be really holding you back.
I am single because have you seen the guys out there lately? (picky)
So maybe every guy you are encountering seems old, fat, or sloppy. You have determined that ALL guys are the same and that once you have seen a few you have seen them all. You are forgetting that yes some guys may live at home with their parents and play video games, but there are some amazing men creating the life that they love and are looking for an amazing woman to partner with. They do probably have some habits that you don’t love, but so do you. It is easier for your brain to lump them all together because then you don’t have to do the work of looking for and finding guys that you are attracted to or are living the lifestyle that you want. So you have to start believing that there are plenty of guys out there that you would be attracted to. That you would find appealing. Your brain will want to reject that belief because then you may actually have to dress up and go out and meet people. You might find someone attractive and they may not reciprocate and that is okay. But lumping all guys together as there is no one I am attracted to, is only going to keep you single.
I am single because I am too busy with my business and work, I don’t have time for that. (routine)
Your life is full, you have created an amazing life that you love but you still do want to share it with a guy. You want to get married and have kids but at your pace in life you have made little room for him to come in. You keep your schedule full and when you do have time you are relaxing and resting from all the work you have done. While this routine seems like one that you have made work it may not be something you want to keep doing. I know Covid has allowed many single women to step back and see actually how “busy” they were keeping themselves. So knowing that this kind of lifestyle is more comfortable for your brain you are going to have to train it to see that creating space and time in your life to meet someone and spend time with them is something that is worth it in the long run. It may seem unnecessary right now to free up more time for dating, but you won’t do it on your own unless you realize this is holding you back.
I am single because the last guy I dated broke my heart. (defensive)
You are afraid of heartbreak. You think you can’t handle the pain of that again. You don’t think you could ever love someone like you did and your brain is finding it hard to believe that you can be safe with a guy. You are going to have to be willing to let your brain in on the fact that you can handle any emotion. You are able to feel the negative ones just like you can feel the positive ones. It is your ability to handle the negative that make the positive even sweeter. Going through sickness makes feeling healthy even more amazing. So, though your brain think this would be the stupidest thing to do, try out another relationship, this is the work you get to do of feeling your feelings amidst a relationship not working out.
I am single because I always date narcissistic guys that treat me horrible. (unhealthy attractions)
Maybe you don’t really trust yourself and your choices in men. You seem to choose the ones that need a little help and you think are a project you want to take on to better the world. You think that you will always choose the bad guys and you don’t think you have good judgment there. This affects the relationship you have with yourself because you feel like you created this pain out of poor choices. But understand that dating those guys doesn’t have to be a failure but could be a learning experience. Dig in and ask yourself why you did choose him? Was it how he came onto you? Was it the way you felt when you were with him? What made you want to be with him? Asking yourself these questions and taking time to answer them can be insight into what you are really looking for in a guy. Seeing what made you not stop thinking amazing thoughts about him will also tell you where it went wrong. Believing you are good at picking guys to date will be hard for you to believe but something you will want to work on believing.
I am single because I’m fat and no one wants me. (low self-esteem)
Believing that you are unattractive and no one will want you will keep you playing small and not getting out into the dating scene at all. It is a great tactic your brain uses to keep you safe and comfortable and not feeling rejected. You want to avoid that at all costs and it is costing you not dating anyone at all. I write so much more on this topic in the blog post, The one thought that is sabotaging your dating life.
Understanding that each one of these reasons are just thoughts is key.
And they may not even be true. They are just a sentence that your brain is offering you.
Notice that your brain is offering you these thoughts to keep you comfortable, not experiencing any negative emotion and so that you don’t have to expend much energy in this area. But when you believe that the sentence is true you are accepting it is a fact that can’t be changed and you have to live at the affects of it. You all of the sudden
see that each one of these thoughts keeps you not taking any action towards dating, meeting guys, or moving in the direction of marriage, which is ultimately where you do want to go.
Just be on to that fact. Sit with that this week. Decide what the reasons are that you are still single and tell someone. Also tell them that these excuses are just thoughts and they may not actually be true.
Call or text another single friend and ask her that question: why are you single and see what she says.
The reason you are single is because of the way you are thinking about guys, dating, sex, heartbreak, rejection, marriage, it all. But seeing what your brain offers you when you say why am I still single is a great window into your brains tactic at keeping you single. Because listen, as long as you believe that sentence (the one your brain is offering you) to be true, then you will stay single. Your lower brain wins and we all just get to blame something else for our unhappiness or why we are not really where we want to be in our life.
Hoping this info is helpful to you,
Angie
