A belief that I had when I was single that sort of haunted me was the thought, maybe God doesn’t have marriage for me. I am sure I picked that up in youth group or a book that I read somewhere. But for some reason that seemed like a valid thought and one that I should pay attention to. It was almost like there were 2 categories. God had certain people in the world that marriage was for and then me, well maybe not. Maybe I was called to singleness.
Which was hard for me because I wanted to be married, and I wanted to have a family. I wanted to raise kiddos with a husband. That all was contingent on getting married. Now you could say that I didn’t have to get married and I could adopt and raise kiddos, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I truly wanted a family. So as each year of my 20s rolled by my belief that maybe God didn’t have marriage for me just seemed more and more true. Because somewhere in my belief system I thought marriage must happen in your 20s… not in your 30s and definitely not in your 40s. Where I picked that up, I don’t know.
But now I understand that believing that thought, “God doesn’t have marriage for me” actually kept me feeling defeated and stuck and taking no action towards meeting guys, or going on dates.
The truth is, I don’t know if God had marriage for me or not, but it was much easier for my brain to believe I wasn’t getting married. That thought was much more comfortable for me and less scary. That thought was more believable to my brain because I had so much evidence for that. All of my friends where getting married and having kids, and not me.
I also had a ton of evidence that I wasn’t pretty enough, overweight, and I was too loud. I even thought I am just too intimidating and independent. So, my belief that singleness was my calling almost felt more purposeful and believable than, I have this longing for marriage, but have no understanding of how that is actually going to happen.
I was living in a small town of about 40,000 people and I was doing youth ministry. I had met all of the guys my age, or at least I believed that I had met them all. I hung out with middle school and high school kids all the time. I honestly took on this stance of I didn’t “need” marriage. Almost like I was better than it. I see now that was just a defense mechanism for me. I really wanted it and had a hard time holding space in my life for wanting something but not knowing the how or when of getting it.
The thought He may have marriage for me, which could be just as true, felt scarier for some reason. And that thought was much harder to believe because I had little to no evidence for that belief.
Also, If I could believe he didn’t have marriage for me, I could write it off, close the door, move on. I didn’t have to hold that desire at all. I could spend little thoughts on what I was going to do towards that happening in my life. I could blame work, my busy lifestyle, my ministry responsibilities and the size of the town as all reasons it wouldn’t happen.
But I didn’t want to move on. I didn’t want singleness, I wanted marriage.
You may be here too. You may have rolled these thoughts over in your mind. You may even be wrestling with which belief system you want to believe.
Being aware of which thought you are believing is huge. Understanding what having that belief creates for you is also big. Because what you think will determine how you feel, and how you feel determines how you act.
Both of those thoughts are available to you. God could have marriage for you. God could have singleness for you. But whichever one you choose to believe will be what leads you to take the actions you do in this area of your life. Some women I work with realize now that they have closed themselves off to anything to do with guys, or getting married because they are believing the thought marriage isn’t for them.
Just be aware that both of those thoughts could be true. We don’t know. They are both just thoughts. Just sentences that your brain is choosing to think. They don’t have to be true. We don’t know the will of God. We just see the desires we have and we try and steward them well. Often, we put God in a box and try and say it just isn’t in God’s will for me but that only protects us from having to step out and do things that are SUPER uncomfortable to us.
I was working with a client a year ago and she just kept wrestling with this belief. She longed for marriage. She had a hard time believing that she could meet a guy. She gave me every reason in the book that it was impossible. She decided to switch her thinking. She thought well I have believed for so long that God doesn’t want me married, but what if I worked on the thought God has marriage for me.
She started working on believing that, and sure enough her actions followed. She just kept an openness to it and walked through the doors of meeting guys, letting friends know she was looking to get married someday, and even started online dating. As she walked through each step the doors did not close. They just kept opening. She met a guy. They have been dating over 6 months. She just keeps believing that if God doesn’t want her to be married, he will make that super clear to her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t keep making effort in that area. She is still doing the work. She is still showing up. She is still figuring this relationship out. But she has let go of the belief God has called me to singleness.
What about you. Maybe it is time for you to believe that you can take action in this area. You can make efforts towards the goal of meeting guys, going on dates, and showing up as you. There is NOT happiness at the end of the marriage rainbow and sadness at the end of the singleness rainbow. Both have a 50% positive experience and 50% negative experience. Knowing that helps us see that marriage isn’t the end all be all to finally make you happy. It is just a different circumstance. It might be a circumstance that you want. It might be in your future. God will make it evident. If He doesn’t want you married, you won’t. Being willing to question your beliefs here can be helpful to you because it may create awareness of why you are acting the way you are in the area of dating.
Chew on this. See what happens to your brain when you start to question your beliefs. Try on a new belief.
Can’t wait to see what that does for you,
Angie
