The lower brain and coronavirus

Our lower brain is designed to look for danger. God gave us the lower brain to keep us safe and it takes its job very seriously. So during this time which is very unknown, a lot of things are being brought to your attention as danger. And your brain is trying to get you to safety. Here is how it gets you to safety:
1. Avoids pain:

Right now there are things that are happening that will easily be interpreted into negative emotion. And your brain doesn’t like to feel negative emotion.

There is a lot of uncertainty which may allow for you to feel anxious or worried. Plans that were made are now changing and that may allow for disappointment and frustration. You are by yourself more and so you may feel alone or even worse isolated. You may have lost your job and so feeling nervous or confused about your future.

Again your lower brain doesn’t like this.
The reality is our life is filled with 50% negative emotion and 50% positive emotion. So during this stay at home experience we are going to have a 50-50 experience. We need to get used to encouraging our lower brain to just feel the negative emotions that are there.

The problem is if there is not enough danger around you your brain may try and create or make-up danger. So if you’re by yourself a lot which your lower brain interprets as being more vulnerable to attack, you may notice that your brain will heighten things that are normally not so negative so that you will try and be around other people and not be left in such a vulnerable situation. But what your lower brain doesn’t know is that the safest place for you to be right now is by yourself.
So take this example, you’re by yourself and you send a text and the person you sent it to doesn’t respond to you right away. Your brain will turn that into a story about how there’s something wrong with you or that the person doesn’t love you, or create an entire story about a text being sent and not responded to right away. Be onto yourself. See all the ways your brain is showing you dangerous things that are NOT really dangerous.

2.Looks for pleasure

OK so this is where your lower brain is really good at getting a dopamine hit. And your brain especially wants to feel good when it is feeling negative emotion. And if we’re honest, being at home alone and not doing our normal things we may not be getting some normal dopamine hits that we are used to having.

Be onto yourself here because we can get caught up in instant gratification. This is when I find myself playing a game on my phone just so that I can win. Maybe online shopping does it for you, or social media, or maybe overeating. Some may struggle with masturbation, or sex, or binging. Understanding how your brain will do whatever it takes to get its hit is so important for you to understand. This is not your fault, your brain is wired this way.
You don’t have to give into the quick hits.

We have to train it for delayed gratification. The way you do that is plan for a healthy dopamine hit and let your brain know it is coming. I like to tell my brain we will get a hit tomorrow when we go to Andy’s and get frozen custard. Other dopamine hits for me are serving others, working out, texting or calling a friend, getting a treat, creating something or baking something.
It would be so good for you to have a list of healthy dopamine hits for you and practice them regularly.

3.Be efficient with your thinking

You have a lot of thoughts that you have thought so often they are unconscious. You are not even aware that you think them. It is those thoughts that run on auto-pilot. Those thoughts create certain feelings and from those feelings you take certain actions.

I like to call those well-worn bike paths. You have a lot of those in your brain.

If you think those thoughts regularly it is hard to go in and think something new. So if you are someone who normally thinks things are hard then it would be very efficient for your brain to think that now about having to stay at home. If you are someone that thinks about the worst case scenario then it would be easy for you to think that way now. Often I work with clients and when I ask them why they think that they normally respond with, “I always have thought this way.”

During this time of staying home be onto the ways that you normally think and what that efficient thinking is really creating for you. You may not like some of your unconscious thoughts. When you become aware of them, you may decide you want to start trying to lay some new bike paths. Your brain doesn’t like new bike paths but that is the way to work on taking more actions towards the life you truly want, and not living on autopilot.

Also because your brain likes to be efficient it doesn’t want to do anything that seems like it would take brain effort. So trying something new right now would be another thing your brain would be totally against because it doesn’t want to expend energy thinking new things.

Being aware of how your lower brain works and how it is wired for our survival may help you right now as you’re navigating this new season of coronavirus and staying home and an unknown future.

Hang in there friends,

Angie

Coronavirus: the part you play

I recently played the game Pandemic and so many things stuck out to me about how to "beat the virus".

1. Everyone had to work together, so you leaned on each others strengths a ton.

If you didn’t utilize each characters strengths the people became purposeless and you weren’t able to beat it because it was moving faster then you could. Everyone had different ideas of how to beat it and so you had to work together with the information that you had on hand. Sometimes we made a decision and then new information came to light and we had to make new decisions. Each turn was critical and we had to try and make the best decisions in the moment.

2. There were the right people to beat the virus, like a researcher, medic, dispatcher, etc.

I recently watched a Netflix show about a woman, who for her whole life all she wanted to be was someone who researched and prepared hospitals for pandemics. And that is what she studied and now does. That blows my mind. God has called and equipped so many people with passions and dreams to do this. He has created them to show up and do this work in the world.

Which has me thinking about the times we are in right now and how this affects you.

1. God wants you to use your strengths right now and give your gifts to others for His purposes. I know this looks different for everyone of you. Some of you are on the front lines serving away and loving on people. Others of you are at home and life looks so different. Your job may be on hold. Your students may be at their homes and not with you. So let’s be creative in how God has wired you to serve right now.

   I am loving watching Annie F. Downs (amazing single lady) share her gifts with all her friends kiddos, which she calls #miniBFFs. She gets on and reads a book to them live on Instagram every night or so. I am loving watching a preschool teacher record herself reading books to each of her students and sending them to the parents of her preschool kiddos. Musicians are recording and sharing things, authors are reading books, dancers are dancing, workout instructors are going live, etc.

   So what does that mean for you?

   Well if you know your gifts and how you can offer them right now, then go for it. Come up with some amazing ways to share what you have with the world.

   If you don’t know your gifts start getting creative. Can you write letters, bake, cook, FaceTime, call, text, check in, etc. Maybe you are great at doing exercises could you gather friends and start an accountability group. Do you know how to cook? Maybe you share recipes and videos of you cooking with your people. No matter what it is offer it back to the Lord. He is loving watching each of us share who He made us to be with the world and we need that now more than ever.

2. God has created and gifted people for these exact passions and jobs for a time like this.

I am so amazed at God’s amazing provision for our lives. He puts desires into people’s hearts like becoming a researcher or a doctor, or nurse, or anything really. But each of those people had to hear that beating in their heart. See God laid on my heart to love and serve single women but you know what I had to do to know that God was laying it on my heart? I had to dream. So many of you have stopped dreaming. You think that your dreams aren’t going to happen I mean where is Mr. Right? So you have put your self on hold. There may be some seeds God has planted in your heart and you have to open yourself up to dreaming about what God has created you for. If you knew you couldn’t fail what would you do?

I hear so many women say things like I want to write a Bible Study, I want to create, craft, open up my own jewelry shop, teach a photography class.

God has a dream deep inside of you and it is worth following. Believe me when I say it can be the scariest yes to say to God, but the greatest as you have to lean on Him to go for it.

I am beyond grateful for the doctors, researchers, nurses, that followed the dream in their heart and are serving us in huge ways right now.

Maybe one of you needed to hear this. God wants you to follow your dreams. It is in your dreams that He serves and takes care of His people. My dream of being a life coach and saying yes to that has opened up the door to help so many single women. Hearing things like you have been the biggest answer to my prayers, reminds me that they were waiting for me to start living out the dream God planted in my heart.

Who is waiting for you? Who has been praying for something you are going to create and offer the world?

I encourage you to play your part in this Pandemic. I know that using my gifts is giving me a purpose right now and it is ultimately to allow Him to use me for what He is accomplishing. I want you to feel the same. Also follow your dreams, you never know how God wants to use you in His greater story.

Have a great week!

Angie

3rd step: Decide what you want

Okay now that we have:

accepted what we have been given, and

become aware of how we really feel about it,

Let’s decide what we really want.

Here you are looking at the brain dump on your paper and fully aware of how you are feeling and what thoughts are making you feel that way. Right there you have tons of knowledge and a much better understanding of yourself. And from that place you get to see if you want to feel these feelings.

Often when I see where I am I have 3 choices:

1. Feel these negative emotions and just feel them. Which is a skill I teach all of my clients.

2. React to the situation with all of these emotions which may be negative.

3. Change the way I am thinking about the situation to feel different emotions.

Let’s dive into the last two.

I want you to ask yourself what will happen if I react to these emotions. Think all the way through the situation. If I am mad and react in anger I typically raise my voice or say things that are hurtful. If I am feeling rejected I tend to act in a way that shuts the person out and rejects them. It is amazing how we tend to mirror others actions when we are reacting. If I feel attacked, I typically defend which is actually me attacking back. The list goes on and on. You look at your page filled with how you feel and spend the time going through each emotion and how you tend to react when in that emotion.

Ask yourself, “Do I want to act this way?”

You might be shocked when you respond to yourself with a yes. But own it. I want to act this way and I know it is because of the way I am thinking and has nothing to do with the situation at hand. I am creating this by staying here reacting to my emotions. Because once you see that you are creating this, you own the results of it. So if you raise your voice, yell, defend, and say things you didn’t want to, you just know that you chose to do it and that someone or something didn’t make you act that way. THIS IS HUGE!

Own the way you act. Know that your actions come from your feelings and decide how you truly want to feel.

Listen, when I choose to feel my feelings and let it run its course, I typically don’t go to reacting. I just feel and let it go. I am more easily then able to choose how I want to act.

But, when I don’t take the time to feel my feelings and just react to them, I typically end up blaming someone for the way I acted, or how something went down.

“Well if she wouldn’t have said that, then I wouldn’t have acted that way.”

“If he wouldn’t have led me on, then I wouldn’t be in this place.’

“If….., then I wouldn’t have…..” See how many times you catch yourself doing this.

So, what if you answer no to not wanting to react but you want to change.

Then here is what you have to do.

1. Find the thought that makes you feel a certain feeling.

2. Look at the thought and see if you can tweak it a little and feel differently.

   My favorite phrase to start with is “And that’s okay.” So your thought might be, he didn’t pick me and that’s okay. He is acting weird, and that’s okay.

   My other favorite thing to see is my thoughts that say he/she should or shouldn’t do something. See if you can change it to, this is how they acted and I can think about it however I want to.

   Play around with different thoughts and see how they feel.

3. Once you find one that you truly believe walk through how that thought makes you feel and how you act when you feel that way.

4. Decide if that is how you want to act and then replace the old thinking with the new thinking.

It is from this place that you have changed the way you acted and created for you what you truly wanted.

You just taught yourself how to behave differently than you would have on autopilot.

This is the work of coaching.

This is going in and deliberately finding the thoughts that are creating the unwanted behavior and believing new thoughts that help you behave the way you want to.

All of this is available to you if you just put in the actual work. When I take the time to sit down and put pen to paper and think through all my thoughts and look for where I am struggling and decide to feel or change them or react to them, I am living much more intentionally.

If this at all is interesting to you but you think you might need some help, this is what I do.

I coach people through all of this and help them get started in coaching themselves.

Book your free 30 minute Before & After session today. I can’t wait to see what you want to create with your life and how thinking differently can get you there.

The 2nd step: How to become aware

How do we become aware of our thinking?

We ask ourselves and then wait for what comes out.

What we learned last week was that the first thing we have to do is accept that it is. Read last week’s blog for more info.

Whatever the circumstance we receive it and we don’t push it away.

The 2nd step is to become aware of what we think about it.

So the guy you have been super close with Brian, has started taking Susie, one of your friends, on dates. You have accepted that God has allowed that in your life. Next, become aware of how you really think about it.

So you do a thought download. I share about that here. You would write Brian and Susie go on dates at the top of your page and then you write down everything that is in your brain. You don’t edit or try and sound pretty, you just get it out. Once you think you have written everything, write some more.

If your brain asks questions, answer them.

Example: Why did he pick Susie over me? He wanted to pick Susie, he didn’t want to pick me.

What does this mean now? It probably means the same as before

Why does it hurt so bad? Because I wanted him to want me.

Ask yourself why. Why do I want him to pick me? and answer that. Why do I want it to mean anything, and answer that.

The whole purpose of this exercise is to become aware of what we are thinking. So answer questions, ask yourself why, keep on digging.

There is so much for you to learn about YOU, right there on that paper.

Once you have it all out begin to look for similar themes or feelings. If you have a lot of thoughts that make you feel hurt then circle all of those. If you have a lot of thoughts around him not caring about you circle those. Use this time to begin to understand just where you are at.

Then you can see that I am hurt, sad and disappointed from thinking this way.

Now do me a favor, do not then add judgment to all of these thoughts. This is where you create unnecessary suffering. Don’t think you shouldn’t be thinking this way, or that you should think differently. Just see you right there. This is where I am at. I see you. I hear you. I love you right here.

Come back next week where I will teach you what to do next.

Hoping for lots of awareness,

Angie

Coaching: The first step in the process

Often the hardest part of any situation is accepting what is. We typically just want to fight with reality and believe it shouldn’t be this way at all.

Friends shouldn’t act like this.

I shouldn’t have put on the weight in the first place.

It should be easier to do this.

He shouldn’t have texted me that much and then started dating her.

She shouldn’t have treated me that way

They never should have said that.

The fight against reality is really draining. We put a ton of effort and thinking into believing this is bad, and that it shouldn’t be happening at all. My job is to help you get to a place where you look at the facts or the reality of the situation and you are open to accepting what is really going on.

Once you accept the reality of the circumstance instead of putting so much energy into pushing it away, you can actually start putting the effort into how you want to handle the situation.

It amazing what a shift you can have when you open yourself up to accepting what is and then deciding from there what you want it to be for you.

So many of my clients want peace about their circumstance. They just want to know it is going to be okay. it is going to work out. They are going to be able to handle it. They are going to be able to walk through this. They don’t have to hurt anymore.

I love watching the transformation they have even when they begin to take the first step in the whole process.

Take this verse Philippians 4:6-7 a very quoted verse.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And a peace that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.

This gives you the practical application of how to not be worried about something. The answer is to pray, petition, thank God and the result of that will be peace. But it is the verses before that which have been speaking the most to me.

Philippians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near.

Woah… I have been watching my clients shift when they go from pushing something away to accepting it and actually rejoicing in what God is doing in it.

“Lord, thank you for this situation. Thank you for what you are doing with it.”

“Lord, I am beyond grateful for you bringing this situation into my life. I wouldn’t have chosen it but I know it is my greatest teacher right now, thank you.”

“Lord, this situation is perfect. It is allowing me to learn so much about me and even about you.”

They move to gentleness when they realize the Lord is in it with them. The Lord is with them and the other person or people involved.

The Lord is good in it. The Lord is using it for good. The Lord longs for the hard to be good because He is doing something with it ALL.

So what is the first step in the process?

1. Accept what is.

   Look at the facts of the circumstance. Not your thoughts about those facts. Don’t go to worst case scenario. Believe the best in others involved and yourself. See how God is doing this for you. See the good in it. Rejoice always. Be reminded that God is there. Pray, petition, and thank the Lord for it. THEN-the peace comes.

Practice this week accepting your current situation whatever it may be and then thank God for it. Rejoice in it. I am sure you will see a shift in energy from pushing it away to being open to all the possibilities from it.

Here is to more energy, and less fighting reality!

Angie