I know that when I have a goal and I am overly committed, I will do whatever it takes to get me to the other side. Some may say I am competitive or determined, but really I think I have figured out how to find feelings that work for me. I have found feelings that ultimately lead me to taking action. The only way you quit is if you stop taking action toward your desired outcome.
But for some of you, you haven’t figured out the feelings to keep you in the game. Let’s examine some of the feelings that are causing you to quit.
Many women I work with want to get married. They often start with feeling confused because they don’t know how to get married. They don’t know how to meet eligible guys. They don’t know how to get asked out on dates. They don’t know how to go on a second date. They don’t even know where to start. So because they are confused they think something must be wrong and don’t even start taking any action at all. They fail ahead of time, which is basically quitting before you start. So confusion can ultimately get you to quit.
Often women may start taking some action like on-line dating or letting their friends know that they are looking to date, but nothing seems to be happening. They might try it out for a month or so and it doesn’t seem to promising. No one is messaging them and no friends are setting them up. They feel defeated and so what is the point of trying. Feeling defeated will get you to quit.
Other women start dating. They might enjoy online dating and go out on some in person dates. They might go on date after date and realize that it is taking time, energy, and effort to do it all. They are not meeting the type of guy that is interested in them or that they are interested in. They question if this plan will work. They might think online dating isn’t for them and feel hopeless that there aren’t really any other options for meeting people. Feeling hopeless can lead you to quitting.
Then there are the women that have dated and had a great relationship and then, heartbreak. They question what they did wrong. They have a ton of pain surrounding how it ended and what should have happened differently. This feeling post break up is pretty miserable and unbearable. They don’t want to go through this again. There is no way that they would subject themselves to this again. They fear being able to handle another heartbreak and swear off doing this to themselves again. Fear can lead you to quitting.
And there are the women that dated and experienced a substantial relationship and decided to end it. They ultimately knew that this is not what they wanted. They feel so bad that they hurt someone else and can’t imagine doing that to someone again. Hurting someone else is an awful thing to do and there must be something wrong with them. They wonder if they can love and if they have what it takes to allow someone in their life. They are doubtful and want to protect others from them. Doubt can also lead you to quitting.
So here we are able to see what so easily creeps in. These women have no evidence that what they are doing will work. They can’t see it working. They question if it will. And without evidence our brain wants to stop. It doesn’t want to be stupid. It doesn’t have the certainty that the actions will cause the result. The actions are hard. They are uncomfortable. They feel negative. And so the brain wants relief from the negative emotion. It wants to quit so we can just get on with the reality of our life and settle back into our normal. So we where never going to get married, moving on.
But the reality is we won’t have evidence. With this kind of thing there is no certain path. If you do this, plus this, plus this, you will get marriage. Your only shot is taking action. And in the dating world it seems like it will always be uncomfortable, hard, scary, and not worth it. But that is the work you will have to do. You will have to create some emotions that do work for you when you have ZERO evidence.
So let’s look at feelings that may keep you taking action.
The thought, “This is going to happen.” That makes you feel certain. I know we have no certainty if it will happen, but just believing this, will help you to keep taking action towards it. In the end regardless of the outcome I know that so many single women want to know that they tried. They put themselves out there. They showed up. They believed when they didn’t have anything to believe in. When I think like this, it keep me in the game. I will do whatever it takes. I am willing to try that thing that I didn’t think I would ever do. I can’t tell you how many women I talk to that say I said I would never do online dating, and I found my husband there. I would never go on a blind date…. and meets their husband. What would you be willing to try if you knew that someday you would be married and all of the things you did to meet your husband would be laughable. You will look back and tell great stories from this season of dating. When you are married, you will not meet guys and go on dates. You will date your husband only. Enjoy the dating season, and make it fun and what you want it to be. The feeling of certainty will keep you from quitting.
The thought, “I have so much to learn,” allows you to be teachable. Often single women don’t know what they want. They don’t know what they don’t want. They don’t know how to date. They don’t want to get good at dating. But if you looked at this whole process to marriage as an opportunity for growth and learning then you come at it with a whole different attitude. I know so many women that are learning so much about themselves in all of this. I have witnessed women changing their minds about what they thought they wanted. I am seeing women transform their relationship with themselves as they begin to understand themself more when they date or meet new guys. If you were able to learn from on-line dating, from going on first dates and second dates, from talking via social media, texting, zoom, and in person, it would expand your brain in so many ways. You would have so much understanding and experience in many different things. Who knows how the Lord will use that, but being open to learning allows you to show up and gain so much from your circumstances, whether you want them or not. The feeling of teachable might keep you taking action.
If you believe that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there, you will feel committed. Each twist and turn, failure, and flop will not mean anything except for you to pivot and try something else. When someone doesn’t want to continue dating you, you will take what you can learn from it, and go on the next date. You will not make the circumstances mean anything about you. You will continually think about what actions you can take this month, this week, and today to get you one step closer. You are not desperate at all, because you are not in a hurry. You have all the time in the world to get you to where you are going. You know that everything that you try will get you one step closer to where you want to go. You will fall down and get up and move forward. You will get clearer in what you want along the way. You will learn some amazing skills along the way. You will have to have your own back regardless of what happens. Commitment will keep you taking action.
When you know that being married doesn’t change your worth or value, it doesn’t make you a better person, it isn’t just for an elite group of people, it is just something that you want, then you can go all in. We are not promised all our wants. I believe we are given desires, and the process of stewarding those desires ultimately makes us more of who He wants us to be and brings us closer to God. He loves our wants. He can handle our wants. We can too. We can take action towards getting them and if we never get them, we can love the person we become in the process. The only thing on the other side of a want unfulfilled is disappointment. I can handle disappointment. I can’t handle not trying. I can’t handle quitting. I can’t know that deep down inside I really want this and I just played small and gave up before it got harder. I want to be someone who fights for my dreams and desires to become a reality. I have to become someone that I am not yet to make those happen. It is this process of showing up and taking action, believing when I don’t see it, and not quitting, that will get you to where you want to be.
Picking our feelings wisely,
Angie
