I often encourage my clients to find some amazing beliefs they want to have.
Many of them want to believe they will get married someday, but that belief feels hard to hold onto.
My clients will question if they are allowed to believe it because they don’t know if it will come true or not. They often struggle because their lower brain really likes having beliefs that they have evidence for and this belief has no evidence. Sometimes they find evidence of the contrary especially if they just got out of a relationship, celebrated another birthday or holiday single, or are having no luck with dating apps, meeting guys, or getting set-up.
But here is the deal, we don’t know if you will get married or if you will not. If you will have kids or not. If you will live to 2025.
James 4:14-15 You do not even know what will happen tomorrow! What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord is willing, we will live and do this or that.”…
So it shares right here the basic premise of, if the Lord is willing, I would love to believe that I will be married someday. You could choose to believe the opposite. But I don’t think believing you won’t ever get married, gets you to living the full life that you long for.
We don’t know either way. But our brain would rather believe we won’t. That sounds easier to handle. It feels scary to believe, because it will require us to believe when we don’t know. It requires us to keep believing when it is hard. It requires us to believe when the break-up happens. It requires us to believe when we have yet another birthday. It requires us to believe it could happen, it might happen, I want it to happen.
Remember, your brain wants to protect you from danger. It seems dangerous to believe you will get married because if you don’t, you can’t handle that pain. But really it’s just knowing and feeling the emotion of disappointment. When you master feeling that emotion, you know you can handle it. (My clients all learn this skill when they work with me)
See, I believe big things often. It has become one of my superpowers. I believe things that I know God himself would have to intervene completely to make happen. I love believing big. It requires me to manage my mind. It requires me to be bigger than my lower brain wants me to be. My lower brain wants me to play it safe. It always offers me what I should be afraid of. It continually is telling me how it could go wrong. But I just keep allowing those thoughts to be there and keep holding onto my big belief. I protect my belief.
You can protect your I will get married someday belief too.
You don’t have to have others believe it, so you can believe it. Your dad and mom don’t have to believe it. Your siblings, cousins, friends, and co-workers do not need to believe the same as you. You can believe it just because you want to.
If you believe that you will get married someday I think you play bigger. You put yourself out there. You show up in bigger ways. You require more from yourself. You meet people. You stop playing small. You know there is going to be someone that you will be compatible with, it is just a matter of time before you find him, and/or he finds you. You're constantly learning about what you do and don’t want. You are getting to know yourself more as you interact with the dating apps, the zoom first meetings, or your first and second dates. You enjoy the amazing men that God created and you are getting the opportunity to meet. You are learning to have your own back with each decision you make, while you are working towards meeting the guy you will eventually marry. You are practicing openness and curiosity. You are learning to drop judgment and criticism. You are practicing your communication skills and learning even more about your expectations of relationships in general. You are becoming more and more of who God created you to be.
You might learn all of this just because you are choosing to believe that you will get married someday.
If you believe that you will get married, you will be more likely to take these actions.
Meet as many men and women as you can
Grow your circle of people
Go on dates
Tell people you are interested in dating
Take many opportunities to meet guys in different ways (online, Kelly’s Korner, Drop the Hanky, apps, speed dating, blind dates)
Ask to be set-up
Ask married couples how they met
Get involved in more activities (volunteer, church, singles functions)
Stop sitting at home watching Netflix
Stop hiding
Stop waiting for him to find you
Now you might say, Angie, I am doing these things. But are you fueling all of these actions with belief or are you fueling it all with doubt, scarcity, or even desperation?
You will know because it will feel graspy, hopeless, and hard if fueled with this negative emotion.
But you can decide what you want to fuel all of this action with. You could fuel all of your action with confidence, hope, abundance, assurance, and expectance. This may be new for you because you don’t know exactly how to feel those things when it comes to dating or figuring this all out.
Often I get asked what do I do to meet guys? I typically can give 4 or 5 things they can do today to start meeting guys. But really I am not concerned with what you are doing, but more focused on what you are believing. Because you can do a ton of things, but if it is fueled with the wrong emotion it won’t get you to where you want to be, and you won’t be able to maintain it. Decide what you want to believe and then from those beliefs decide what you want to do. What action are you willing to take? How many doors are you willing to open to meet guys and expand your number of contacts with men in general. Some of you are not interacting with men at all.
I know this can sound funny. It can sound basic, too basic. But really you could be one meeting away from meeting your husband. The question is how many meetings will it take? Will you have to meet 500 different guys to meet your man? Would you be willing to go through all of that to meet him? Some of you have met 30 guys through dating apps and in person and you have deemed it isn’t working. You are ready to throw in the towel. It isn’t going to happen. No ma’m… it just hasn’t happened yet.
Believing you will get married someday you just don’t know when might seem a little crazy. It might seem like an impossible belief. But it is in this process that you grow, change, learn, expand, fail, cry, but when you walk down that aisle at 38, 45 or 65, you will know it was all worth it. You will know that every date that didn’t work out, every zoom call gone bad, or every awkward conversation was leading you to this moment, and it was worth it. Holding on to that belief got you here, walking down that aisle. And when you walk down that aisle you will be so proud of yourself for hanging in there. For believing when you couldn’t see it. For showing up and learning all the things that this process taught you. For having your own back during this whole experience. For choosing your thoughts wisely and consciously. For not letting desperation and doubt drive the bus of your life.
I dare you to believe you will get married someday, you up for the challenge?
Believing with ya,
Angie
