A friend recently told you that something you are doing is hurting her feelings. She might have shared that she is feeling left out by you. Or you did something that she thinks you shouldn’t have done. Or something along the lines of her bringing up to you that something you did caused her to have negative emotion.
This can be hard because you might feel really bad for whatever you did or you might disagree with what she is sharing with you.
This is an opportunity for growth in the relationship and with yourself but it will take a bit of managing your mind. I want to help you with this one.
For those of you that have been my client you know that you can’t make anyone feel anything. The way they feel comes from their thinking. The way you feel comes from your thinking. So now you know that the way they are thinking about something that you did is making them have negative emotion. You know that you didn’t create that feeling and that they are trying to blame you for their feelings. Which you probably did, not too long ago, but now you know that blaming someone for the way you feel is actually going to give your power to that person. So, how do you handle this now?
Well, a friend comes to you with this problem. You get to think about this however you want.
She thinks that you have made her feel a certain way. It would be really easy for you to think her telling you this is making you feel a certain way. But this is how we throw a wrench in that whole cycle.
You get to choose how you want to feel when she brings this to you. You could choose to be so grateful that she came to you and shared her thoughts with you. You could feel connected to her because you know what she is thinking, or what is going on with her. You could think some very powerful thoughts that make you feel love and compassion for her. You could feel understanding because you can see where she is coming from. All of those thoughts will draw you closer to her and not further away.
After you think those thoughts you might feel sadness for how you acted, or for how she interpreted it. But either way just know that you might want to feel sad or disappointed, or however you want to feel, and nothing has gone wrong. You don’t have to beat yourself up for doing what you did. You don’t have to judge yourself or take her side and think you are bad, or messed up. Get very clear on having your own back and learning from this circumstance. This is a great time to love yourself and think amazing thoughts about yourself too. Be careful not to use anything you did against yourself to feel guilty or shameful. Think about it all with love, grace, and compassion for yourself and her. When you can do that, you’ll feel confident that in the future when things like this come up again, it is something that you can handle. It is something that your relationship can handle and it is something that actually helps you. Your brain won’t fear it, or make it seem like conflict is something you can’t do.
Breaking that pattern in your brain will be very powerful. You will decide how you want to show up. You will use your thinking to create more connection with your friend and though it may seem hard, you can use this to grow together.
But what if you don’t agree with her? What if you feel like what she shared isn’t true or she misinterpreted it totally differently than you meant it?
This is where it gets fun. This is where you can step back and look at it from her eyes. But you must first decide that you don’t have to be right. You put all of your energy into believing that she could be right and you try and see it from her angle. You get very good at asking questions and listening. Tell me what you're feeling? Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what you want me to do? What would be helpful for me to know? Don’t tell her that she is creating her feelings. Don’t try and teach her the model and coach her through what is really causing her her problems right now. You don’t have to try and fix for her negative emotion. You can allow her to be in negative emotion. You can sit with her in that place. You can handle her thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to be defensive when you are just considering her side. Put all your effort into listening and really hearing her.
The reality is that there are facts of the situation and then there are your thoughts and her thoughts. What you just did was listen to her thoughts. You gave her so much love, time and attention just showing up to listen to her. You may not get to share your thoughts, but in this case, that doesn’t have to matter. At this point you can try and agree on the facts of the situation. Once you agree on the facts, it is just her thoughts about it and your thoughts about it. But what is most important is the solution you can agree on. Don’t talk about the problem anymore, just brainstorm solutions together. Only agree to solutions that you both like. This conflict can bring you both together and make your relationship stronger, but really it can uplevel your thinking about your friend and your friendship. Often when we deal with conflict we don’t actually deal with it and that avoidance creates feelings of disconnect and an inability to trust each other. If you fear or avoid conflict, and don’t deal with it, you are actually stifling the relationship right when it has an opportunity to grow.
Anytime there is tension in my relationships I am not afraid of them, because I know I can learn a ton about myself in that situation and learn a ton about the other person as well.
Some of my most valued friendships have been to some pretty rough places and made it back. I know that I think of those relationships with a ton of gratitude because that person has allowed me to be me and grow, even when it was painful. I know you are doing that for your people in your life. When you allow for things to surface in your friendship and deal with them together, you are giving each other the gift of growth.
Not avoiding conflict anymore,
Angie
