(Disclaimer: I will talk specifics so if you are sensitive to sexual words… this blog is not for you.)
In working with single women I know many of you struggle with stewarding your sexual desires. Many had these desires awakened before they were ready. This could be because of abuse or a previous relationship, but regardless of your reason, you don’t know what to do now.
You feel like you are plagued by this addiction and can’t seem to get it under control. You’re starting to believe something is wrong with you and that you will never get this figured out. You are scared to open up and be vulnerable with people to get help or maybe you have shared but nothing is changing.
So I want to give you some information to help you understand what is going on with your brain, urges and dopamine and then I want to give you practical steps to take this week to help in figuring this out.
So let’s start with your brain.
If at some time in your life you had a sexual experience and had an orgasm your brain most likely time stamped that experience and said, “Wow… let’s have that feeling again.” You got a dopamine hit and your brain liked it.
Your lower brain wants dopamine hits. It is not picky in how those dopamine hits come. For some it is wine, sugar, flour, gambling, drugs, likes on social media, buying things, etc. But whatever you do that your brain gets a hit from, you are most likely going to be offered that you should feel it again as many times as you can. Your lower brain is going to do its job to offer you a dopamine hit regularly and if you give it a hit, it will want it more frequently. And the amount of hit will need to get bigger and bigger to satisfy. That is why after awhile the small scoop of ice cream didn’t do the job anymore, I had to move to the medium, and then the large.
That orgasm could come from an experience with another person or from self stimulation but it all started with desire. You then ramped up that desire by kissing, touching, or viewing porn or something that got you feeling aroused. When you were aroused you felt the desire to have that urge satisfied and so either masturbated or sought out a sexual relationship with another person.
Scripture says, James 1:13-15
When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
It shows the progression. Desire is not bad. Sexual desire is not a problem at all. It is actually a gift, given to us by God for the purpose of us moving towards a healthy marriage. But in this case the desire is dragged away and enticed. That is what is going on with viewing porn.
You have an original thought that brings on desire. Let’s stop there. What would it look like to feel desire and not have to have that desire met or satisfied. What if you could know that feeling desire is not wrong at all. It is so good. But let’s pause there with the desire and realize that the only reason you have desire is because you are thinking one sentence in your brain that makes you feel desire. What is that one thought?
If you could feel that feeling of desire, figure out what thought it comes from and then not have to “drag the desire away and be enticed by it” you could actually stop viewing porn.
You could see that something in your past created a hit for you, and you know exactly what to do to get that hit again, but you don’t have to.
When you feel an urge to view porn you don’t have to obey that urge. You can allow the urge to be there. You can welcome the urge in and know that it is there because it is running its play to get you to act on that urge. Nothing has gone wrong. You don’t have to panic or freak out. You can feel it and breathe in deeper because you can feel urges.
I am telling you, the first time you feel an urge and don’t have to give in to it, is the hardest one to allow, but is also the most rewarding. This will set your brain up for creating what it most wants, to not have to look at porn anymore.
You think looking at porn is always going to be a part of your life, but I promise you it doesn’t have to be.
I struggled with food and would think about getting my next treat or hit all day long. I couldn’t imagine going one day without a treat let alone 5 days. But I can honestly say that I barely think about treats now. I know when I am going to have a treat and when my brain offers me an urge to eat a treat, I don’t have a problem just allowing it to be there. This could be possible for your too.
You could slowly taper off of looking at porn. It will be a process. You will have to engage your mind in believing it is possible and you will have to start getting some healthier dopamine hits to combat what your brain believes is a good hit for you.
So let’s talk practical steps right now.
You might want to share with someone your struggle. Just opening up about it to someone allows you to talk about your thoughts and get some of your thoughts out of your head. You can share with them your plan and ask for accountability. What is amazing about your brain is that it doesn’t really want the dopamine hit, it most wants connection. But sometimes viewing porn creates a ton of guilt and shame and actually makes you feel more disconnected. That creates a loop of wanting connection, viewing porn, masturbating, feeling shame, disconnecting, and that continues on and on. If you can open up and talk about it you can actually start to connect and break this pattern altogether. Also, sharing alternative healthy dopamine hits with someone can help you make plan to stop getting dopamine hits in this way. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
You taught your brain to desire porn. You can unlearn it. Your brain is so good at rewiring itself. Your lower brain likes to be efficient so if you are super efficient with your thinking and then taking action to get you the hit you want it becomes programmed and feels automatic. Now you have to bring all those automatic thoughts and start examining them and getting rid of the thoughts that are getting you to view porn. This takes you getting conscious in the moment with your thoughts and sifting through them. Staying present with your feelings and not just going numb. Your previous thoughts were I need dopamine and porn will give it to me. Your new thoughts can be I want a real relationship and not just running away to porn. Mark 7:21-23 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.
Get good at delayed gratification. Learn to use your prefrontal cortex more than your lower brain. Allow urges, find the thoughts that make you feel desire. Thoughts like, I want it, I have to have it, it will feel good, just one more time. Notice those thoughts, but don’t obey those thoughts. Focus on what you most want, not want you want in the moment. I remember my brain saying, just this once, and I would counter act that thought with we both know that is a lie. If I give in now you will just keep thinking we have to have this. I don’t have to have this, I might want it, but I want freedom more. Remember each urge felt and not given into creates more space for freedom. Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Focus on the reasons you want to stop viewing porn. Get really good at thinking about those reasons. Thoughts like, “This is a temporary fix and not taking care of my true longing.” I really want connection and viewing porn makes me feel less connected. Come up with a list of 10 reasons why this is important to you. Practice thinking those thoughts regularly and picture your life without this struggle. What would it be like if you didn’t think about porn again. What does someone who doesn’t struggle with porn do with their time, their desires, and getting the connection they most want.
Plan ahead. If you have typical times that your brain urges you to view porn plan for it. If there is a time when your roommate leaves, or if you notice you typically do it the same time each day or on certain days, create a system for that. You can also decide ahead of time when you will not view porn. This is helpful for those that view it every day. Decide and stick to it. This can be helpful to see what thoughts your brain offers you when porn is off the table. These were very helpful to me when I was trying to quit the sugar hits. I would say we will have ice cream on Friday and Wednesday my brain is throwing out all the stops. "We can’t wait until Friday, that is too hard, I can’t do this. I have to have it.” These were all just thoughts I learned to hear but not obey or believe.
I know this struggling with porn is an area that can allow for guilt and shame. I want to encourage you to feel guilt in the moment and then confess. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
To realize that you do want to feel guilty for dishonoring God and sinning is important. You don’t want to get numb to the fact that this will bring disconnection from God because you will want to hide from Him. But also understand that beating yourself up and believing you are messed up is staying in misplaced shame. God forgives your sins. He also doesn’t want you to live in that space where you feel chained to something. He can set you free. He longs for you to believe that you are forgiven and to create new beliefs so that you no longer take the action that leads you to sin. He wants to help you in the process. He thinks amazing thoughts about you and wants you to know He loves you just the way you are. There is freedom here.
I can’t wait to see how this new understanding affects you. If you would like help to find freedom in this I can help you. Click the link below and schedule a before and after and see if working with me is your next step in this process.
