I didn’t even know that choosing your feelings was possible. I thought emotions happened and I had to feel that way. I had to react that way. I had to suffer from whatever feelings were present. I often felt annoyed with my feelings but didn’t know what to do to change that.
When I first heard this, I thought, “Your telling me I can decide which feelings I want to have?” Yes.
You can consciously choose which feelings to have about any circumstance. And your brain may offer you certain feelings that don’t really help you at all. And this is super important to understand, you don’t always have to believe your brain!
When a situation arises you have thoughts. It could be something that happened in the world, or to you, or that you did. But whatever the case, when something happens, we feel. We think we feel because of the situation, but we don’t. We feel from our thoughts. Our thoughts create our feelings. Our feelings are just vibrations in our body.
Think about the last time you were nervous. You might have been in a situation that you believed was making you nervous. It was really what you were thinking about the situation that made you feel nervous. And the feeling of nervousness is vibrations inside your body. For me these vibrations create extra sweat in my armpits, a raised heart rate, and heightened senses. But that is all happening in my body because of my thoughts. I could choose different thoughts and I would have different feelings. But unintentionally you might feel nervous and not know why. You might blame your circumstances for why you feel how you do. That is where I lived. I am mad because of what he did. I am hurt because of what she said. I am frustrated because they choose to do it that way. Name the emotion and their was a reason I was feeling it.
But once I realized that I wasn’t hurt, frustrated, or mad because of them, but because of my thoughts, a light bulb went off. Wait a minute. I am causing this pain? I am causing these emotions?
That is actually good news. Because if I am creating my feelings, I can choose to not create them, or create different ones. I can figure out what thought is making me feel that feeling and then choose whether I want to think it or not. Now sometimes that thought keeps being offered to me, but that’s okay. I can just keep saying, no I’m good, I don’t want that thought anymore. Or thanks brain for letting me know that, but thinking about it that way only creates me feeling like this and I don’t really want to feel that way.
The first step in how to choose your feelings is to become aware of what you are feeling.
Most people don’t like feelings and so they don’t really like to be aware of them or name them, because if they do, they might have to deal with them. So when feelings do happen, they try and push them away or resist them. That feels tense inside of your body because you are fighting against what is. So I want you to begin to acknowledge the feelings and allow them to be there. Notice what is happening. What feeling is there. Embrace the feeling. Don’t do something to ignore or avoid the feeling that is present. You don’t need to escape this feeling. Just move towards it. The feeling is absolutely harmless. It is just vibrations. Those vibrations don’t have to result in outward action, they can just be felt internally.
Second step is to see what thought is creating the feeling.
Sometimes it can be hard to wade through the many thoughts that are there to find which thought is making you feel a certain feeling. There may be many thoughts creating many feelings. Practicing trying on thoughts to see how they make you feel, so you can start to see trends. Whenever I think this is too much, I feel overwhelmed. Whenever I think I don’t know what is going to happen, I feel anxious. These thoughts like to present themselves to me often. But knowing the thought that creates the feeling gives me the power to then choose.
Third step is to decide if you want to think that thought and feel that feeling or not.
Once you identified the feeling, and figured out the thought that is creating it, you can decide if you want to think that way or not. You might decide yes, I do want to think this way and feel this way. Great. You have chosen your feelings. They aren’t just happening to you, but you are allowing them to be there. Even knowing you are creating the feeling helps you gain some clarity and keeps you from giving your power to the person, or situation. If you don’t want to think that thought then practice letting the thought go, changing the thought a little bit, or replacing the thought with something new. Sometimes I can easily let a thought go. I might think I am done thinking that way, or I have thought that way enough, and no more. Other times the thought just keeps coming back in and I need to tweak it a little bit. I often add that’s okay to the sentence in my brain or I change one word. So thinking the trash didn’t get picked up and that’s okay feels different to me than the trash didn’t get picked up! Or she always says that feels different than she chose to say that. Working with your thoughts and not against them can be helpful. You want to see what works for your brain and if it doesn’t feel right, you might try different words or phrases. You might even change the thought completely from this isn’t working to I can find evidence that this is working or it isn’t working. Understand that taking each thought captive is a Bible verse that is so practical. You can take your thoughts and play around with them and choose which ones help you to be more like Christ or which ones keep you acting the same way you always do.
Step four is to just keep practicing this.
All of my clients know that this new way of thinking and feeling takes time. You can rewire your brain and think differently which in turn allows you to feel differently. But it takes practice. It takes resisting a feeling and then realizing you are doing it. It takes trying a new thought that doesn’t really stick. I get coached often because sometimes I can’t find the thought that is creating the feeling that I don’t want. I just know the feeling is there but I am struggling to see it myself. You can get better at choosing your feelings. Things can happen and you can decide how you want to feel about something. I am getting better at this and love it when I show up and choose to feel a certain way. When my clients actually do this, they feel like they have a super power. I did that. I chose a thought. I chose this feeling. I can stop feeling the feelings I don’t want to. It is amazing. Give it a try!
Choosing my feelings right along with ya,
Angie
