I like to run over ladders that are sitting in the driveway. It is a specialty I have. I am a good driver, I just sometimes hit ladders. But hitting ladders actually taught me a lot about having my own back.
See, I say ladders not because there were multiple of them there when I hit them, but it is because I hit the same ladder twice. I maybe didn’t see it the first time but two times, that’s an art really. Let me set the scene; we had been doing some work in our house and the ladder was on the side of the driveway, out of the way, but when one is not 100% paying attention it is easy to slightly roll over the ladder which is how it went down.
I got out of the car, angry that someone had put a ladder there, and then proceeded to beat myself up internally.
“What were you thinking? You weren’t thinking were you? That’s so dumb to hit a ladder. I’m frustrated that it’s bent. Did I ruin it? That was stupid. My kids think I am an idiot. My husband thinks I don’t know how to drive. Do you know how to drive? You are so careless sometimes. You should pay better attention. How ridiculous to make an error like that. Get it together already. You’re so annoying sometimes.”
You get the picture. Some great self-talk.
And then something happened within me. I think I was really starting to understand that this kind of beat down was ruining my relationship with myself. I would never talk to my best friend like this. I don’t understand why I allow myself to talk to myself like this. Come on, so what, I hit a ladder, get over it. But instead I used that silly instance to berate myself and give me a good talking to. Because apparently that is what is needed whenever we make errors in life. I had come to believe that the only way for me to not mess up in life was to harshly judge myself until I get it and change. Wow, I think I do this to others as well. But that day I realized that this just doesn’t work. I already feel awful for the error I made but then I felt doubly awful because I was rejecting and criticizing myself on top of that.
So I started to sift through the facts. I hit a ladder and it put a dent in it. I can think about that however I want. I decided to start thinking thoughts like: “It’s okay. Nothing’s gone wrong. Sometimes we hit a ladder. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad driver. That doesn’t mean I’m stupid or don’t have it together. It means I am human and make mistakes. Everything is okay.”
That started to shift it. I was choosing to look at it in a different way. And then I thought, “I love you. Even when you hit a ladder I love you. I choose to look past the error and see through to you, and I love you so much right now.”
That moment was a game changer. For the first time I consciously chose to have my own back. I stood by my side. I hugged me with my words when I wanted a hug from someone else.
So, I counted that as a victory of sorts, a turning of the tide. I now know exactly how to have my own back.
And then, maybe three days later, I hit the ladder again.
Another opportunity to practice having my own back. I knew that having my own back was totally worth it. I knew that I wanted to stand by me when I mess up. This second running over of the ladder, solidified for me how important it is to have my own back and be curious with myself as to what happened, instead of accusatory. From love, care and connection I was able to see what was happening that made me run over the ladder not once but twice.
This whole having your back thing is actually amazing. It didn’t matter if anyone else did, I did.
This my friends is available to you too. When you mess up, I want you to have your own back. I want you to think thoughts that remind you that you are with you. You are not abandoning, rejecting, or beating yourself up anymore. You are going to lovingly see what you are doing that is causing you to make the mistake or mistakes you are making.
This concept will help you if you find yourself messing up time and again.
The next time you mess up, have your own back and see the difference it can make.
Check out this blog post on 8 tips for transforming your relationship with yourself. This will also help in making small steps to improve that relationship you have with yourself. A very important relationship I might add.
Believing in you,
Angie
