Your brain is a processer.
It wants to process information and solve problems. We subconsciously ask questions all of the time. Why is this hard? When will it get easier? What were they thinking? Is this working?
As a single woman you’re continually asking yourself questions about your singleness.
“Will I get married?”
“Is something wrong with me?”
“Should I have stayed with him?
“Was that a bad decision?”
“Have I missed the boat?”
“Why is my life so hard?”
I could go on and on with these very automatic questions that go without examination.
So your brains job is to solve for the questions that you present it with. The only way our brain answers the question is by our thoughts.
There is no one and nothing outside of ourselves that we can go to and figure out the answer for those questions. When I was single I was dying for a book, sign from God, or anything to help me answer some of my singleness questions. But nope, I had to answer them myself, and I didn’t answer them on purpose, I just left that up to my brain.
In order to solve our questions that we pose, the brain has two options: our past, and our surroundings which leads to comparison. And remember when it is thinking through the past or comparing to others it is already looking at it from the negative angle, looking for danger.
So when you think why am I not married yet, your brain goes to your past where it may have little to no evidence to solve, but can pull up lots of evidence of your inadequacies and inability to make it happen. And it is trying to put a finger on the reason you are not married yet, which tends to bring up feelings of not good enough, and sends your brain in a spiral of confirming all that is wrong with you, not all that is right. Leaving your question answered with a very negative spin.
Then your brain starts to look around you. It starts looking for friends that are similar to you to start comparing you to them to answer the question. Your brain thinks that comparing will give you insight into the answer to that question.
Oh Janet is my age and has the same job as me and she is married. So why is she married and I am not… oh it must be my weight. That is why I am not married. Or she has amazing hair, and I don’t, or she has a great voice and I don’t.
Your brain thinks that the evidence it is collecting for you is valuable information to solve for why you aren’t married. But it’s wrong. Again it’s answering the question with a very negative spin.
That is one of the reasons we get into comparison. But when we get to the place of comparison we often don’t stay there but actually make it worse for ourselves by allowing the spiral to go from compare-jealous-covet-envy or some combination of that.
What starts out as comparing to discover resemblances and differences then turns into pain. Either the pain of jealousy which makes you hostile towards someone else or covetous which makes you have a desire for something that doesn’t belong to you, and then to envy which makes you want it so badly you are willing to get it at all costs, even if to harm another.
We started with thinking how we are alike and different and then it ended at her life must be better than mine. Then from there we will do whatever it takes to get the better life we think we should have. From that place it is easy to slip into being a victim, bitterness, and fear for the future.
How do we stop this?
1. Don’t beat yourself up when you find yourself comparing yourself to others.
Understand that there might be a question your brain is solving for, and it is looking around to help you answer the question. Try and figure out what the question is.
2. Answer any questions your brain has on purpose.
Once you are aware that you do this, just start coming up with your own answers that you like.
“Will I get married?” I would like to believe I will get married someday. I don’t know when or how… but I am open to figuring it all out.
“Is something wrong with me?” No, God doesn’t make junk and He has already decided that I am just the way I am supposed to be.
“Should I have stayed with him? I didn’t stay with him, so no, I shouldn’t have stayed with him.
“Was that a bad decision?” That is a decision that I learned from so I wouldn’t call it a bad decision.
“Have I missed the boat?” No, I have not missed the boat.
“Why is my life so hard?” My life is hard when I choose to make it hard.
You can answer the questions once you are aware of them. The best way to become aware of them is to start thinking of results you want in your life and then sit down with a pen and paper and see all of the questions your brain offers you. From there start answering them on purpose.
3. Start asking yourself more powerful questions.
When you ask yourself powerful questions, your questions will be answered by better thoughts. For example, asking yourself, “How can I make today better than yesterday?” will shift your brain toward constructing better thought patterns, and will ultimately create better results in your life.
Powerful questions are positive, deep, open minded, thought provoking, and proactive. They open up a space for appreciation, compassion, inquiry, discovery, and insight. Powerful questions give us back responsibility for everything in our lives, and they offer the possibility of exploring ourselves in new ways. When we ask ourselves powerful questions, we help ourselves discover our own answers.
4. When you see that you are comparing stay there.
Comparing comes from knowing when I look at what she has I can find things that we have in common and things that we have that are different. She is no better or worse than me. We are both 100%. Her life is for her and my life is for me. I shouldn’t have what she has, because I don’t have it. My not having what she has, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the results she created. If I want different results I can create those. Don’t spiral to jealousy, coveting, or envy. Understand that it doesn’t have to keep on going. Keep it right there at comparison. There is nothing wrong with comparing; it is what you do with that which can create pain, suffering and sinning in the long run.
Saul and David as examples
Saul and David had an interesting relationship. Saul is a great example of someone who saw, compared, and could only see what he did not have as less. From there he let jealousy fester into coveting, and ultimately envy.
1 Samuel 18:6-9 It happened as they were coming, when David returned from killing the Philistine, that the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with joy and with musical instruments. The women sang as they played, and said, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” Then Saul became very angry, for this saying displeased him; and he said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, but to me they have ascribed thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom? Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on.
Saul compared himself to David. Those comparisons lead him to jealousy, which fueled a ton of the actions he took towards David throughout their story together. Saul choosing to envy David created a life for him filled with so much pain that he didn’t even get to enjoy the life he had because of being so afraid of David’s life and what David was accomplishing.
That is what comparison can do to you my friend.
If you aren’t careful comparing keeps us from fully living the one life we do have control of. God wants you to love what you have and comparing keeps you focused on others and your lack, not your abundance. Understanding why you slip into comparison is helpful and knowing what to do with it is even better.
Use these steps the next time you find yourself there.
Walking right alongside you,
Angie
