Friends, the Holidays are approaching. And with the Holidays come expectations for family gatherings and time spent together. A lot of you have this picture of a Hallmark movie where everyone gets along, everything goes seamless, and everyone gets along. At the end of the evening you are all playing games, throwing the football, and singing together around the guitar or piano. No, not so much. Typically the day or days if you are traveling, are filled with miscommunication, unmet expectations and conversations where people aren’t agreeing. Sometimes there is drama, frustration, and severed relationships. Typically you leave the time either glad it is over or sad that this is the state of your family. I know that is not how you want to be feeling but you don’t really know how to change it or even where to start.
So let’s try some things this year that you haven’t before.
1. Define family for you. What does it mean?
Are you a group of people that should get along? Family may mean people that have shared responsibilities of taking care of one another. Family could be an obligation. You might define family as your family of origin or to your extended family. You may think family is the traditions your parents have created and that you are a part of. Some of you have stepfamilies that you include or wish you didn’t have to include. Some of you are by yourself raising kiddos of your own and you think about your current family as that tight knit group. However you define family just accept where you are with it. Don’t judge that you should have a different definition or meaning but just acknowledge and become aware of what family means for you today.
Take the time to really see where you are at when it comes to defining family. Many of us begrudgingly do the things that our families tell us to do. We show up and kind of go through the motions because we have to and we have not questioned if we want to choose them or not. Last year my extended family got together and one of my cousins came without her husband and oldest daughter. We were chatting and she said he didn’t want to come and she didn’t want to make him be there. I loved that on so many levels. His ability to know he didn’t want to go and her ability to not force him to do the traditions just because. You will know you feel obligated if you have resentment. Start to question that by asking yourself what you do and don’t want to do. A lot of times you decide you do want to do the things your family is offering, but you show up totally different when it is a choice you make and not something that you “have to do”.
2. What do you want family to mean?
When you think about your family what do you most want? Do you want a great relationship with your siblings, and what would that look like? Maybe you want a certain type of relationship with your sister-in-law. Do you want connection and deep conversation? Do you want to feel obligated or do you want to feel like you have a choice and you are creating the kind of family relationships that you most want? Now you might say, “Angie, my brother doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t participate in this relationship.” But without changing anything about him at all and knowing exactly how he acts, how do you want to act towards him. Do you want to be the one that asks questions and gets to know him? Maybe you want to show kindness, compassion and care. Often we want to feel cared about by our family but we aren’t showing up and caring about them. Take the time to think through how you want to feel when you think about your family. Start with the group as a whole and then how do you want to feel about each individual relationship. Some relationships you might have to think through a bit more than others and that is okay. Each relationship is different and we show up differently to each person.
3. What are you expecting from this gathering?
Go to the place of rainbows and daisies where everyone is sitting around singing Kumbaya. What is happening there? People are chatting together, with meaningful conversations and everyone is being nice and kind. Your nieces and nephews are obeying completely and the food is exactly what you wanted to eat. Your family is playing games and laughing. Memories are made and you are so grateful for all of these people in your life. You are not expecting arguments, or children disobeying. You might not imagine doing all the dishes or someone not showing up. These are your expectations and what you will hold reality up against. When we have high expectations we are typically met with disappointment and frustration. So the key is to see what you are wanting and why and then remove those expectations completely. We know exactly how our family really is. We know who isn’t going to bring a dish. We know who isn’t going to do the dishes and yet we continue to set ourselves up for failure when we want people to be different than they truly are. Accept each person as is and come into this gathering with no expectations of others and with a plan for how you want to act.
4. What do you want to create? Who do you want to be?
I love thinking about what I really want and then how do I create it. I didn’t know that I could do that before. I thought I was supposed to just show up and let the chips fall. Which fall they did, and then I was disappointed in how I showed up. I would leave the Holidays filled with frustration in myself that I didn’t have the experience I was wanting. I wanted connection, shared memories, laughter, and love. But I wasn’t doing anything to intentionally create that. So now I know that when we play games together we are connecting, laughing, and making a memory. So anytime we can do that together as a family I really enjoy that and I try and be the one to bring the games. I also think through who do I want to be as a daughter, and sister, and all the different roles I have. Write out your roles and then decide how you want to show up. Decide now who you want to be. I am different in how I want to show up for my parents than for my brothers. I want to be encouraging, loving and supportive to my brothers and to my parents I want to show up as loving, responsible, boundaried, and authentic.
When you take the time to intentionally think about family and what you most want with those people you will begin to understand yourself even more. You can begin to see what your expectations are and why. You might decide you want to stop doing some of the things you are doing and you might want to intentionally start doing other things. Decide right now that there won’t be drama, anger, frustration, or outbursts from you. That is within your control. You will start enjoying your family more. You will start enjoying yourself when you are around them more. You will start owning your Holiday experience and making it what you most want. Don’t let another family gathering pass before you do this work!
Processing right along with ya,
Angie
