Often times single women will ask me what to do about being nervous when they meet someone new.
Let’s take a look at what these nerves might be teaching you. You are nervous because of what you are thinking in the moment. Often when you meet someone for the first time you are very uncertain about what they might be thinking about you. So that makes you feel uneasy, uncertain, or nervous. Whenever I think the thought, “I don’t know”… it creates the feeling of uncertainty. When that thought crosses my brain immediately it sounds out the nervous feeling.
When I feel nervous I act a certain way. I might over think my words or reactions. I might get in my head and second-guess everything I am doing. I tend to fumble over words or not be clear in what I am trying to say. I am hyper critical of self and feel a lot of pressure to perform. I can’t think on my feet. I tend to have a racing heartbeat. I am not calm, I am not cool, I am sweating. I might be looking to the other person to gain certainty. I am trying to figure out what they are thinking about me. But that leaves me very vulnerable and can keep me feeling insecure.
This, my friend, can be nerve-racking. You are putting yourself in an environment that is new or uncertain, and your lower brain’s job is to look for any sign of danger. You are kind of setting yourself up for disaster. So how can we handle this?
Here are my 4 tips:
1. Decide ahead of time what you think about you.
When you know what you think about yourself you are a lot less focused on what other people think about you. When you don’t know, you are more concerned in what others think because they might be right. But when you know you, and are certain about how you feel about you, it is easier to not focus on what they think. In order to decide what you think about you, take some time investigating your thoughts about you. When I meet new people I sometimes worry that I talk too much. But I decided that I talk the perfect amount. I like that I can carry on a conversation and I like that I am open to sharing my thoughts with others. Once I was able to see that was something I was worried about, I just made the decision what I would choose to think, and then went with that. Also, regardless of how I act when I am with someone, I have my own back. I choose to be proud of me. I don’t beat myself up. I can look at it, learn and grow without the critical and judgmental thoughts towards myself.
2. Be okay with them thinking about you however they want
When you are certain of how you choose to think and feel about yourself, it is easier to let others think about you however they want. I figured out that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s okay. I am willing to love someone even if they don’t choose to like me. You can do the same. When you allow them to be who they want to be and don’t have to control what they think of you it is easier for you to be yourself. Instead of looking to how they act as evidence of the way they are thinking about you, you can focus on how you want to be acting and not just reacting. That allows you to take total ownership of how you think and feel when you are meeting someone new. You can decide ahead of time how you want to be. I love to feel relaxed, at ease, calm, and confident. I practice what thoughts would make me feel this way and then rehearse those thoughts before I meet someone new. Then I can be okay with how they show up and still show up how I want to be.
3. Decide ahead of time what you will think about them
When I go into meeting someone new for the first time having already decided that I am going to love him or her, I like how I act. My brain goes into the meeting believing that this person is going to be amazing, interesting, and so fun to get to know. I set myself up to look for that evidence. I rig the meeting in our favor. I know that when I think that they will be interesting, I go into it super curious and wanting to learn from them. When I go into it thinking that they are super fun, I am already looking for how they are fun. It is great. I encourage you to try this. It might be foreign for you, but it really can be a great way to set your brain up for success.
4. Create certainty for yourself
If I knew that they would love me, that it would be fun, and that I would learn and grow from this experience, I would feel certain as I entered into meeting them. But I typically don’t know that. I feel that way after they do something that triggers these thoughts. I am looking for them to smile, or act accepting of me. I am looking for them to laugh or show signs of a good time. I am looking to them to appear relaxed and at ease. But they might be just as nervous and looking for me to give them those cues. So, do yourself a favor and create certainty. Decide that you can think these thoughts without knowing if they are true or not. Your brain probably offers you the alternative and you believe it. Practice believing the positive narrative. I often don’t know exactly how things will go, but I am certain of how I will act or what I will believe. I know I will create calmness and ease for myself. I know that I will do the best I can. I know that I will accept me, no matter what. I know that I can handle anything that comes my way; any question, any attitude, any opinion, or action. This all helps me feel certain. And you can too.
Your nervousness is actually a flashlight leading you to see what is really going on in your brain and what needs a little work right now. When you get around someone new you might want to try some new thoughts. It could be the way you think about yourself needs a little tweaking. It might be what you believe about the other person. But ultimately all of those nerves are within your control. You just get to try on some new thoughts and see what they create for you. Doing this work has proved to be so beneficial in my life as I started this business. I have met so many new people. I have put myself out there to so many amazing women. I have believed some amazing stuff about them, and I have believed they think some amazing things about me. You might want to try this with new guys you meet. You might want to try this with someone new at church. Wherever you try out your new thinking make sure you give yourself grace and wherever the nerves are leading you see what thought is underneath there. That is going to be so helpful for you to see what is causing you some fear or uncertainty.
This is what I do. I help people uncover what their emotions are leading them to. Often they feel certain negative emotions and those emotions are there to help them learn and grow. Often times they need help to see them. You may not be able to see them yourself. So if you want help looking at what the flashlight is revealing to you, come grab a FREE 30 minute mini-session by visiting www.stewardingyourstory.com/sign-up.
Hoping this information helps,
Angie
