Awareness of yourself is key to being truly known and understood.
I really struggled to understand myself or truly know what was going on with me. I am a verbal processor and would often rely on talking something out with other people to gain a better understanding of where I was with a situation. Many times someone would ask me how I was feeling about a something and often times I didn’t know how I was feeling or even what I was thinking. I was such a people pleaser I often defaulted to asking them how they felt about it, and then tried to gauge if I felt the same way. Most often I would agree with them as to not ruffle feathers or have opposing opinions. I got in the habit of not knowing and over time I became less and less aware of me and couldn’t figure out how to get in touch with my actual thinking and feeling.
Many times I would be dealing with something and just feel off. I could tell there were things brewing under the surface and I didn’t know how to get to that part of me. Then little things would happen, and after they piled up I would hit a wall and fall apart. It felt like a bomb blew up. I couldn’t really sort out the shrapnel it was just all over the place. I was filled with emotions and thoughts but they felt all over. I would typically feel overwhelmed by the mess and I didn’t know what to do but to just keep moving on, hoping things would eventually get better. I would repeatedly feel the need to “get away” or take a break from my everyday life. I would then question my ability to have boundaries or take care of myself. I would be frustrated that I couldn’t manage my emotions or my life and it sort of felt out of my control.
Then came the thought download. The first time I did this exercise it truly gave me insight into so much of me. For the first time I understood what was really going on with my brain. I could see it all out on paper. Now don’t get me wrong, I have journaled so much over the course of my life. Often I wanted to write things out so I wouldn’t forget them. Many times I would hit a wall and think I just need to journal. I think i knew that my mind needed to get it out so I would not have it all swirling. But the thought download has become something that is vital for seeing myself. It is on paper where awareness happens and then understanding can follow.
Let me explain the thought download. It is when you take a physical piece of paper and a pencil or pen and you just start writing. You write out all your thoughts, you don’t hold back. You don’t edit or try and hide. You spill it out and either write for a period of time like ten minutes or for 3 pages or for until you can’t write anymore. You take everything in your brain, all the thoughts you can get out, and you write them down. It is amazing what happens when you stop trying to make sense of it in your head, and you get it all out, and then try and see on paper what is really going on. When we try and figure it out in our head we have conflicting thoughts that we have a hard time seeing. When it is down on paper, we can see it.
The thought download is different than journaling. When I journal I am telling a story or remembering what happened. I seem to be trying to create a narrative so that if anyone picked it up they would be able to see the story. That is not a thought download. My downloads look like this:
Order the belt for Thatcher’s baseball uniform
My throat is sore, I wonder if there is a different allergy medicine that would work
I am behind on posting social media
I want to batch more content
When is the date of Kamp out?
As you can see I am all over the place… after I did my thought download today I came to realize my brain is filled with wants and desires and lots of things that need to go on a calendar or to do list. I haven’t gotten them down on paper to really see them. Now that I see them I can understand why lately I have been feeling very forgetful or fearful that I will forget something. I have a lot of thoughts about don’t forget to…. I have also been feeling like my mind is full. Once I saw everything out on paper I can see that I have been using my brain as a storage unit. It’s like i have stuffed little post it note reminders in my mind. And my monitor has no more room for post-its.
Our brain is not meant to store information. It is meant to compute or solve and when I give it random facts to store it tries to solve them. My brain is struggling to solve all the important dates and events that are going on with the end of school and needing to register for summer things and trying not to forget all of the important details. But because I have filled my brain with random don’t forgets, I am not able to use my brain for solving or processing. I want to use my brain to process but it is like I am getting an error message: too full. So after getting it all down on paper I can begin to see and understand me. No wonder I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Just taking the 10 minutes to get it out I am reaping the benefits of seeing me, knowing me, and understanding me. It is like I just sat with a good friend and got it all out. But the crazy thing is I don’t even need another person to sit there and help me do that. I can just dump, sort, and make sense.
When we just start practicing getting our thoughts out we free up space in our brain. If you practice this regularly you can begin to organize your thinking better. I like to think of it like a closet. The more times I see what’s in the closet the more I can take out what I don’t want anymore, and I can see what else I want to add.
Often my brain just needs a good purge. So the more often I thought download and see myself the more often it stays tidy and the less likely I get to feeling off. Now I know why I am feeling the way I am, it is because of the way I am thinking.
Now sometimes I will do a thought download on a specific topic. I will write a topic and then start getting it out. I did this recently about weight loss. For those of you who did the 5 day challenge you did this about being single, dating, and even marriage. Again the process of just really digging around and getting out every thought about that category is so amazing. You will begin to really see yourself and have an awareness and then understanding as to why you are feeling the way you are about a specific topic.
I want you to feel confident and capable to use this tool yourself. The women who have gone through my group coaching program know what to do after the thought download, but just having this tool and using it regularly can be super helpful as you begin to invest in your mental health and cleaning up your brain.
Here’s to dumping,
Angie
