I listened to Curt Thompson share at the IF: Gathering this past weekend all about this topic and I know so many of you are dealing with this very issue. So I wanted to take what I know from before, what he shared in his talk and what coaching has taught me and put together some important things to think about.
Loneliness may start from a thought but can spiral quickly to other thoughts and emotions and become a state of mind.
When we begin to feel lonely it is typically situational. You might be sitting at home on a Friday night feeling those same emotions start to rise up. The same thoughts you have thought many times come back into play. And it doesn’t normally stop there. You then can easily add on layers of thoughts that lead to feeling isolated, separated, alienated, cut-off and even exiled. God never intended for us to be alone. He even says it is not good for man to be alone. (Genesis 2:18) But there are times when we will be alone or by ourself for an extended period of time and we get to think about that however we want. As single women this is a part of your day to day life, being alone. Your default in the lower brain will be to interpret that as danger and spiral from there.
Once we begin spiraling our brain looks for evidence that these thoughts are true.
You have these thoughts, that spiral to others, and then before you know it you are knee deep in a pit and can’t see any way out. You’re looking to confirm the thoughts as truth and your brain will find evidence that it is true. So if you think no one cares about you, you somehow find yourself scrolling IG and finding friends together without you, once again confirming that it is true that your friends don’t care about you. Because if they did care about you they would….. And once you decide it is true, it is really hard to understand that it is just a thought, and that you can change that thought. When your brain offers it to you as truth you think you have to believe it and you have to deal with the truth and that can seem even harder to get out of.
You try and solve for the pain.
When you are in that pit and feeling overwhelmed, in despair, not cared for, hurt, and remember alone, you don’t know where to go. You can’t go outside to the people that you want to connect with because they are the people that are “hurting” you. You don’t really know where to turn and your thoughts are pretty grim. You want to numb out, or try and avoid the pain of it all and then you tend to do just that, check out. You binge a show, get lost in a youtube spiral, aimlessly scroll, eat, or take whatever actions you think will make you feel better, but really they make you feel worse. You are longing for connection and actually you are just getting more disconnected from yourself.
Let me paint a recent story of loneliness and disconnection.
This happened to me right around election time. I had been at home working alone a lot and let me tell you I love my clients, I love the people I interact with but something inside of me was feeling disconnected from the world around me. No church, no in person small group, no hugging my people, no random conversations with people at the park or grocery store, and my world was caving in. I wasn’t listening to the news but knew that there was something going on and I didn’t understand it all. I felt the pressure of voting, of making a difference, of doing the Lord’s will in it all. I felt disconnected from people, from friends, from those around me, and God.
The thought that makes me feel connected to someone is that they know what is going on with me. The thought that makes me feel connected to someone else is that I know what is going on with them. So I felt connected to God because I knew He knew all about me, but I didn’t feel connected to Him because I didn’t know what He was up to. And for some reason I had a ton of evidence that I wasn’t connected to others very well. No one was calling me to check in with me. No one had invited me to hang out. I didn’t know what was going on with a lot of my people. See all the evidence. I knew it was true. I felt justified to believe what I was thinking and even though it was causing me pain, I didn’t know how else to think about everything. My mind was spiraling, finding evidence for it to believe it is true, rinse and repeat. Lots of jumbled mess.
There were a few hours one day where I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. I cried. I didn’t know if I should share what was going on with me or pretend it wasn’t really happening. Shrug it off and think, I’m just having one of those days. My brain offered me to just get back in bed. To pull the covers over my head, but of course I felt worse. I tried to lay down and watch some shows but again pain. My body was physically tense. I was filled with lots of emotions. I wanted to get out of that feeling. But I knew I was looking for something external to change my internal. It just doesn’t work that way. So I was trying to feel better, and nothing was working.
But the training I had received as a coach helped me to know that I was creating this. So I started to investigate why I was feeling all of this. What was going on with me? I began to get curious. I sat with my thoughts. I mean really sat with them. I took out a pen and paper and just started word vomiting. Things I didn’t even know came out. Lots of thoughts about losing friendships, relationships, people, normalcy, fear of the unknown, fear of the future, tons of questions. Wow. once I saw what I was dealing with no wonder I felt overwhelmed and panicked. It was good to connect with myself. Oh… I see what is going on with you, connection! The pain started subsiding.
Now to connect me to God. I knew the struggle was I didn’t know what He was up to. So I went to some of my favorite key verses in Daniel that remind me who is on the throne. I looked at the outside circumstances and put what I knew was true about Him to all that was around me. I went to Psalms and was reminded of how He never changes. How great and mighty He is. I stood in awe of Him and all that He is. Oh… you know what is going on with me, I know who and what you are, connection! The pain still subsiding.
I prayed and laid all of what I just learned about me on paper to the One who hears it all and I cried out in sadness over all the things. He knows there will be pain, sadness, negative emotion and He wants me to bring it to Him. He can bear it, He can handle it. He wants to be in it with me. The pain is now lighter.
Then I went for a walk. Getting outside, breathing in the air, seeing the birds, the clouds and sun immediately made me feel even better. Walking and moving allowed me to feel alive. My heart was pounding, my blood flowing. My brain was surrounded with so many beautiful things. I was connected back to the world.
I called a friend. I shared what was going on. I openly said I was struggling. I was having a hard time with the election. I was feeling sad about the world. I was hurting but didn’t know where it was all coming from. I was tired of not seeing my people. Things were taking a toll on me, and that is okay. I have people, I have a small group, I have a church body, I have friends, I have family, I have a God who loves me and is in control. I have a purpose here on this Earth. Connection.
Steps to connection
Connect with self.
Get out a piece of paper and write it all out. See it and understand yourself even more. Have an awareness about yourself because you paid attention.
Connect with God.
Soak up scriptures. Listen to worship music. Flood your thoughts with TRUTH about Him.
Give your pain to Him
Lament, cry out, weep and wail. He knows, and He wants it. He will be in it with you. Allow Him to be.
Go for a walk outside
Feel your heart beat, come alive. See creation, and connect with the world.
Connect with someone
Make the phone call. Share. Ask them questions, and listen. Know what is going on with them. Tell them what is going on with you and connect.
Practice this the next time you are feeling those same lonely thoughts start. Get in a habit of having this in your back pocket and don’t give the loneliness spiral an opportunity to take you out. Loneliness can be the beginning of a sin cycle for some people. God wants freedom. Satan wants defeat. He will use anything and this might be an easy tactic with you.
I want to equip you to steward your story and singleness and lonely is one part of that. You can be single and connected which feels a whole lot better. And creates better results for you!
Walking through it too,
Angie
