I recently found some of my notes from middle school. One of my friends would always use the phrase “I got your back.” It was normally used right after she was encouraging me to do something that was bold or courageous or hard. For instance one note said, “Hey, you should talk to Stacey and stand up for yourself, don’t let her treat you like that, and oh, I got your back!” I love it, it was like this little extra nudge.
Hey I got you.
My friend was letting me know if Stacey does something to you, I am on your side. I will choose you. I will stand beside you. No matter what. I will not make it worse.
I feel like when I know someone has my back it doesn’t matter the outcome, I will be taken care of.
Many single women do not feel like anyone has their back. So I want to teach you how to actually have your own back.
Recently I grabbed this quote from a coaching session.
“To have your own back is to know that when I am in pain I take care of myself, I don’t cause myself more pain.” Brooke Castillo
My mind was blown. This concept of knowing no matter what the outcome of something is, I will take care of me. I will not add on pain, or create more pain because of actions I choose to take. I will not beat myself up even more. I will not pick apart all of the wrong. I will not buffer, numb out, or punish myself. I will take care of me.
I love this. When you know how to actually have your own back you put a flag in the sand and you say I will no longer treat myself horribly. I will not allow myself to think badly of myself. I won’t beat me up even more. I will step back, I will feel the negative emotions that I am creating from my thinking. I will with love and curiosity investigate what is going on with me and why I am feeling this way. I will not accuse or pick apart all the things I did or didn’t do wrong. I will simply see the pain and take care of the pain.
So, how do we do that?
Practically you get really good at noticing the pain. When I am in pain I am great at becoming the watcher. I sense the negative emotion and I get curious as to why it is there, where is it coming from and what is causing it. I own it.
Here is an example. I set my alarm for 5:25 and when the alarm went off I pushed snooze and went back to bed. I woke up at 7am to my kiddos hopping into my bed. I was immediately flooded with disappointment. I missed my workout and my quiet time. Ugh!!
Old me, the one that didn’t have my back, would go into an entire lecture on why my day is ruined because I am now behind, can’t make it up, rushed, etc. I would ignore myself out of an attempt to punish me for screwing up. I would go into all the mistakes i made in going to bed too late. I would somehow blame my husband or kids for why they played into me not waking up to my alarm. I would continue to beat myself up for this mistake in the hopes that this would really get me to wake up tomorrow to my alarm, or the beat down will be there waiting for me if I mess up again. It is change fueled by punishment. You better not mess up again or else.
So I used to not have my own back. I used to have pain and create more pain on top of it.
Now, the version of me that has my own back rolls over and notices the thoughts that make me feel disappointed. Thoughts like, “I really wanted to do a workout.” “I am bummed I missed my quiet time.” “This isn’t how I wanted my morning to go.”
I see those thoughts and I accept them. I totally get why I would think those thoughts. I did want to do a workout and I wanted my morning to start of differently, but it didn’t and that is okay. I didn’t have my quiet time but so what? Now what do I want to do.
I want to see that I am in pain (negative emotion of disappointment) and take care of me. I want to know and believe that I will always meet myself with compassion.
This is how I take care of me. I see me. I notice me. I pay attention, like really look at myself.
“Hey, Angie… I am sorry you missed your alarm and rolled over and didn’t get to do what you wanted to do, that is a bummer.”
I notice that I want to be disappointed and I allow it. I feel the emotions instead of stuffing or pushing them away. I open up to them and don’t explain it off. I just see that the reason I am disappointed comes from those thoughts. I get curious about what I was feeling when the alarm went off. What was going on in me that I wanted to push snooze and roll over? I am curious, not condemning.
Then, I take care of me. What is the kindest thing I can do for myself. Can I use other time in the day for those tasks? Can I put something off and replace it with my quiet time? I start to take care of me by not punishing myself but problem solving. If I can make it happen great, if I can’t, also great. But I took the time to have my own back. To love myself unconditionally and to not add more pain to the situation.
When we know that we have our own back we can depend on ourselves even when we mess up. And we know we won’t add pain onto the situation, so we feel safe. We know we will be met by ourself with grace, love, and care.
It is like we are writing ourself a note saying, “Hey girl, I know you are feeling bummed, and down and in some pain, but I got you, I’m gonna take care of you!”
I love relationships like that. Some of the most growth in my life came when I “messed up” and I met myself with curiosity, understanding, grace, love, and care. Some of the most painful experiences for me were when I “messed up” and met myself with more criticism, harsh words, and discipline.
So no matter where you are messing up, it could be you said something dumb, or you ate that cake and ice cream and bag of chips, or you blew up, or you didn’t show up the way you really wanted to, have your back. When you really have your own back you are on your own team. You know that you got you. You don’t have to have a bunch of people supporting and loving you, you do.
At the end of the day we all want to know we are loved and chosen. Why not love and choose yourself, have your own back and be certain you won’t add on any extra pain.
One of the things my clients say is that they can count on me to have their back. They aren’t so good at that yet and then I teach them how to do that. So if you need some help with this, I got you!
Loving myself through all the mistakes,
Angie
