Confidence is the key to getting better at anything in your life. And most of the women I work with are wanting more of it. They think that if they had more confidence nothing could stop them and they would be where they want to be.
And they are right.
But there is a difference between confidence and self-confidence.
Confidence comes from doing something over and over and knowing you can do it. I am comfortable doing it. I am not afraid of what will happen. I got this.
You are confident about a ton of things in your life, but it becomes second nature to you.
I am confident in:
Brushing my teeth
Pouring a glass of water
Answering the phone
Making dinner
Driving my car
Washing my laundry
Taking a shower
I have done these things a ton of times. I am very confident in my abilities to do them. You might think I was born this way but at some point I didn’t know how to do these things. Over time I gained confidence. I have three kiddos, age 4, 6 & 7 and they are not confident in most of these things (though they would like to be). You should see my 4 year old answering the phone… she doesn’t know what buttons to push, where to speak into, if we are on a video call or what. She will look at the screen and not understand why someone isn’t there. It is so confusing. When I ask her to answer the phone she gets scared and nervous. What I know is that over time and practice they all will feel confident to do these tasks. They will fail for sure. They will spill water, run into things with their cars and burn some mac n’ cheese while we try, but eventually they will feel confident to do these things.
This is confidence. I know how to do this and I am confident in my abilities.
Self-confidence is different and what is needed to do new things. Things you haven’t done before and things that you aren’t quite certain of your abilities about. So if you try something new you want to be confident but you don’t have your certainty about your abilities to lean on. That is where self-confidence comes in.
Self-confidence is a multi dimensional concept. It is not just being secure in yourself and your abilities. It is your ability to trust yourself, have your own back, and knowing that you can handle any feeling that comes up. I will break this apart.
Your ability to trust yourself: This boils down to you knowing you will do what you say you will do. You will follow through on your plan. You will take care of yourself. You will be responsible and walk out the decision you made beforehand. I see this so often when I work with clients on weight loss. They will figure out the night before what they will do the next day. They have a plan. They are going to do this thing; lose their weight. So they must eat exactly what they decided yesterday. They know that what they said they would do they do. When you have that kind of relationship with yourself it is amazing. You trust you. You know you will do it even when you don’t want to and even when it is hard. Because believe me it will be hard. But you got this. Notice this is different from saying you will do something and then hoping it will happen. That way leaves room for self-doubt which is the exact opposite of self-confidence. If you can’t count on you, you will feel insecure and “at the effect” of you. This will not help you feel in control or self-confident at all. The ability to trust yourself comes from the consistent follow through on your word to yourself. You will earn this with yourself as you practice this and make this a concrete belief and understanding. I can trust me.
I have my own back: is your opinion of yourself. Understanding that to have your own back means I will choose me. When I am in pain (negative emotion) I will take care of me. I will not add more pain onto the situation by beating myself up or thinking badly of myself. I will think about myself in a way that generates self-confidence. I will think I am good, capable, and worthy. I will always choose to give myself grace, love, and care; not condemnation, hatred, and abandonment. I don’t avoid myself or shame myself. I see the pain I am in. I acknowledge it and then I have my own back. I got me. I know God does, so I might as well follow suit.
Knowing you can handle any feeling that comes my way; is just that, the ability to feel. The worst that can ever happen is an emotion. Knowing that you can feel your emotions and they won’t kill you, (they are just vibrations) gives you an ability to not live in fear of things. I know that no matter what happens I can and will feel the feelings that the circumstance brings up. Failure, I can feel it. Sadness I am getting so much better at. Worry is happening less and less because I know exactly where it is and when it starts. Understanding that the feelings are just vibrations that happen inside your body and that come from a thought you have is so vital for you to gain self-confidence. So if you are afraid of feeling failure you avoid it. If you are fearful of rejection you don’t put yourself out there. But if you know you can feel them, you have a super power that you carry into any circumstance. It takes the risk out and give you a “let’s go” attitude.
Having self-confidence is what allows you to try new things. It is what will open the door for dating or a new relationship. It will help you start or grow a business. It will steer you to paying off that debt or saving for a your own place. It is the key to creating a healthy lifestyle or give you that push to take on that leadership role at your church.
Self-confidence is the beginning of it all because you trust you, you got your own back, and no matter what happens you can feel all the feelings that come up.
That my friends is an amazing feeling.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7
I want to put ALL of my confidence in what God can do in and through me. I know you do to. I know you were created by Him. You were created for Him. But we need to get on board with who He has made us to be, and start working on our self-confidence so that He can do all that He is wanting to do in our lives.
He has got you. He will help you feel the feelings. He will remind you of the woman he made you to be. He will help you follow through on your word to yourself. Let Him teach you much about what a self-confident woman in Christ looks like.
As Christians we often fear that we will become prideful or arrogant.
God wants self-confident women not arrogant and prideful women. The difference is that arrogance is thinking you are better than others and trying to prove it. Self-confident women know that ALL HUMANS are awesome and capable. Prideful women deny faults because they can’t tolerate feeling any type of rejection. Self-confident women are humble because they are open to criticism or failure because they are willing to feel any of the emotions that brings up. Arrogance and pride are based on fear. Self-confidence is based on your understanding of how God made us all.
So many women don’t have it because they don’t trust themselves. They don’t manage their mind when they are feeling negative emotion and they add to their pain. They feel out of control with their thoughts and the way they act. They are afraid to feel their emotions. They don’t want to feel the negative emotions and so go into hiding. This keeps you stuck.
But women who do have self-confidence:
set more goals
take more action
talk to more people
take more risks
achieve more
live into their future
Your brain doesn’t produce self-confidence naturally. It does produce fear, worry and doubt naturally. So to create self-confidence you have to practice these new thoughts. You have to practice these concepts of trusting yourself, having your back, and feeling your feelings.
Here are some new thoughts to try on this week:
The worst that can happen is a feeling
I have my own back
I can do what I say I will do
I am becoming someone that believes I am capable
God made me for this
What others think of them is 100% about them
I can feel any feeling
Worry only pretends to be necessary.
The more I fail, the more confident I can become
Do the stuff you are scared to do, repeat. Make decisions, honor those. Feel the feelings. Give up needing anyones approval. Learn by taking massive action. Don’t compare, and don’t be offended.
I can’t wait to see what God does with self-confident single women all around the world!
Angie
