I recently read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck and I love how she broke down the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. 

I am a huge believer in leveling up our brains. I am all about taking areas that we struggle in with our thinking and looking at ways to grow it. I know that my thinking has drastically changed and I want you to believe that your thinking can change to. You are not at your peak, have hit your limit or have grown as much as you can. You can change in many different ways over the course of your lifetime and, so when I get my hands on a book that teaches about how to develop your mind more fully, I am all in.

Which got me thinking about you.

When it comes to being single, dating, and creating the life you want, having a growth mindset is going to allow you to grow regardless of the situations you choose to put yourself in or the circumstances you find yourself with. I know so many of you want to do this season well and so I thought that looking at the two mindsets Carol shares would be helpful to you.

So I wanted to break it down a bit in regards to your singleness and how these two mindsets might play out.
A single woman with a fixed mindset wants to look smart and like she is put together and she has a tendency to:

• Avoid challenges and works to get comfortable right where she is. She doesn’t want to feel the negative emotions and so does whatever it takes to not have to take the hardest route.

• When hitting an obstacle gives up or gets defensive. Believes the obstacles shouldn’t be there and wants to remove the obstacles so she will have a greater chance at success.

• Sees effort as pointless. Why try if it isn’t going to work. If I am not guaranteed this date or situation will work out, I am not going to go at all.

• Avoids feedback or ignores useful negative feedback. Is afraid to hear anything that might prove she doesn’t know what she is doing or isn’t perfect at whatever she is attempting.

• Feels threatened by the success of others

Now let’s look at the Growth Mindset and how you can apply this to your season of singleness today.

A single woman with a growth mindset wants to learn and grow and so she has a tendency to:

• Embrace challenges

A single woman with a growth mindset will be able to understand that every season has its challenges. Regardless of if you are single and have never dated, have dated a lot, are divorced, widowed, live in a big town, small town, whatever the case may be, there will always be challenges to whatever you are in. I like to say there is a 50/50 to this season. If you can find the 50% negative and embrace all that it is for this season, that will make you stronger. Because when you hit the next season of your life, you won’t be surprised by the challenges that come with that season. You will have flexed your muscles during those challenges during your singleness and will have gotten stronger. Embracing challenges looks a lot like accepting them. You don’t fight with the challenges of singleness, you don’t try and run from them. You open up to all that this season holds and allow yourself to learn and grow in spite of all the challenges present right now during your singleness. You don’t believe you shouldn’t have to go through this, you are certain that all of this is for you and for your growth. My favorite saying is this is “for God’s glory and my good” and then I find all the evidence of that around me, even when it doesn’t “feel” so good!

• Persists in the face of setbacks

The single woman with a growth mindset understands that obstacles will come and figures out a way to persist, and not give up. She looks at failure differently. She is okay with failing and getting back up, dusting off, learning from it, and then moving forward. If she is dating and it just doesn’t seem to be working out and she has tried and tried, she looks at it from a different angle and tries something totally new. She looks at each setback as an obstacle to tackle and that is the perfect opportunity for her to think differently than before. Often when dating if setbacks happen you can begin to question if the relationship is meant to be. But often times setbacks are what allow you to learn even more about your partner and how they act in a situation.  A single woman knows that these setbacks are just a part of the journey. She doesn’t make those setbacks mean anything about her and who she is and what God is doing with her life. She is able to look at the circumstances and decides who she wants to be in the midst of it all. With each setback she is able to find tune her desires, who she is, her relationship with God, and she gets really good at dealing with negative emotion.

• Looks at effort as the path to mastery

Many women might think they are not good at dating or meeting guys. They might have decided that they just don’t have what it takes to succeed in these areas, but a single woman with a growth mindset knows that no matter what your ability it is the effort that ignites that ability. The fear of putting in effort and it not creating what you want often holds people back from trying at all. They decide ahead of time to fail and chalk it up to it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. But a growth mindset looks at all they will learn and the value that the relationship will create for them, regardless of if it succeeds in marriage or ends in a break-up. Knowing you will learn a ton from this experience and grow as a person through it all gives that person certainty regardless of the outcome. This can help people jump into something with both feet and decide that they will get better at it. What if you looked at that with online dating, or in person dating, or even just meeting people in general? What if you were able to consciously put effort into growing while mastering relationships in this way? I know you would learn a ton about you, about others, about who you are wanting to partner with, and even more about God. 

• Is open to criticism and learns from it

The single woman is not afraid to figure out how she can get better at dating, at meeting people, at changing her tactics to create relationships that work. She is open to hearing others opinions and doesn’t have to take it as true but can look at it and learn from it. When something happens and it doesn’t create the results she most wants she is able to take a step back and evaluate it from a place where she can grow. She doesn’t have to be right, or perfect, or have it all together. She can be herself and learn what little things to tweak to get what she wants. I was working with a client that was able to do this. She had been “talking” to a guy for a few weeks after meeting him on a dating app. She knew she wanted to meet him or zoom with him or do something to move it forward, but he just kept keeping it within texting. She didn’t like that it was there. She decided to own that the only reason it was staying at texting is because she was creating that. She stepped back and asked herself what was she doing right now and what could she do differently to create a different result. She was able to critique her current actions and all from a place of being willing to grow. She did make those changes and the guy never took the lead and eventually she ended the texting relationship, but she was so proud of the decision she made. She was only able to do that by stepping back and looking at the things she could be doing differently and how to change it. She was even open to asking her friends and people she trusted, what she could do differently. She knew she didn’t know how to do on-line dating because she didn’t have much experience in it and so she was willing to share what she was doing and see if anyone had other ideas. 

•  Finds lessons and inspiration in the success of others

When another single friend gets into a relationship it can be so easy to believe that there is one less good guy available. Or when you get your next wedding invitation it can be easy to feel like you are behind. I know from experience that when I liked a guy and he chose my friend, I felt threatened that my chances were dwindling. I really encourage you to look at it from a place of abundance. There are more than enough amazing Godly men to go around to all the amazing Godly women. When someone else succeeds in this area you succeed too. Because you can learn from her. You can find out what she did. You can get inspired by their love story and how they met and what they did during their dating season, etc. I encourage you to find 10 women that are in the place that you most want to be, it could be dating or married, and ask them about how they did it. How did they meet the guy or get introduced or create the connection. Because if they can, you can. Let their story be something that encourages your story. Don’t let men anything close to failure for you. You can learn and grow from those around you. You can believe that the man God has for you will NOT be snagged up by another woman. No, that is not how it goes. So when someone in your circle succeeds in some way in this area celebrate with her and learn from her and him and the whole experience. You have so much to gain when others around you start dating or enter into marriage. 

So understanding that you might have a fixed mindset when it comes to dating and meeting guys in general is okay. There is nothing wrong with figuring out that your tendency might be to look at it through the fixed lens. But you can change. You can take any of the growth mindsets and work on thinking in that way. You could challenge yourself to take one area and practice it. God longs to grow you during your singleness. He doesn’t want you to be hindered by this season. He will use it to teach you so many things about you, about Him, about the world around you.

I know that somewhere in the last few years I have switched to a growth mindset in many areas of my life. I am open to a whole lot more. I make things mean a lot less about me. I am curious about many more situations and people. I have stopped beating myself up when I fail or struggle in some way. I am continually reminding myself that the human journey is a long road filled with many opportunities to make us more like Christ. I pray that this will help you think differently about all the opportunities that are available to you today during your singleness and that all the lessons learned right now will carry into the next seasons as well.

Cheering you on,

Angie

(book referenced: Mindset by Carol Dweck)